Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about this

81 replies

Footloose80 · 30/12/2018 19:19

Dh needs to have 2 operations. Just had one privately. I wasn't overly impressed about this as it cost 14k but the NHS wait was long. My aibu is that whilst waiting to go down he suggested that he will use my savings account to pay for the next one. Now these savings were part of his father's inheritance but still. I said now was not the time to discuss. Since than he has been asking about my child benefit account. I keep saying that he neds to chase up NHS referral for second procedure but I get the impression that he just wants to pay privately again.
Aibu to be angry

OP posts:
GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 30/12/2018 20:13

This sounds familiar, did you post about this previous to the surgery?

Purpleartichoke · 30/12/2018 20:17

It completely depends on the surgery. Is he in horrible pain? Is the issue preventing him from earning an income? Then every extra day makes a difference and going private might make sense.

If it’s an annoyance, then wait and save the money.

Eliza9917 · 30/12/2018 20:21

If I was sitting on money and dp was in pain/ill and it could be fixed with an op, I'd suggest going private myself.

But then our money is ours so I expect my responses would be different to people who have separate money..

notapizzaeater · 30/12/2018 20:23

It all depends on what the surgery is and if he's suffering. Tbh if I was in constant pain and you where not letting me have an op when you had the money I'd be considering the entire relationship

Fontofnoknowledge · 30/12/2018 20:25

I am assuming his father left the inheritance to him and for tax allowance reasons (you work and earn less so probably don't use all your allowance) some of the money has been put in your account ?

Nevertheless it's your DHs money from his late father. Not yours. He should be the one to decide what he does with his money.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 30/12/2018 20:25

It sounds like he should have waited, if the wait is only 3 months and clearly not an emergency. He's probably screwed himself on the list, though, by going private for the first one ... and spent a tremendous amount of money on it when he could have waited. And now he wants the rest of the family safety net for the other one? I would struggle with this too if I had young children still depending on me.

Birdsgottafly · 30/12/2018 20:30

You have to look into the new wait time, as said it will be a new refferal etc.

Then ask him to consider the riskyness of not having savings.

If it involves time off work or pain, if he delays then he gets to spend his inheritance on the surgery.

You've had the pension pot added to and your house improved, which will up the value.

So I don't think you get to decide this.

What 'principle' are you working off? The one that says money is more important than health or happiness?

TheBigBangRocks · 30/12/2018 20:31

It sounds like the money is DHs and just in your account for tax purposes, therefore unless it was willed to you direct he can spend on whatever he likes. His family money not yours.

Not much of a relationship when your partner would rather you wait for an op and forbid you to spend your own inheritance is it.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 30/12/2018 20:39

It's not about money being more important than health. It's about potentially leaving the family financially vulnerable, which would also be detrimental to their health and happiness. It's really hard to know without knowing the details of what the surgeries are for, but I personally wouldn't want to jeopardise my family's financial security for my own comfort/convenience (again, it really depends what the surgery is!). And this is actually a situation I've been in and made a decision about, albeit mine was a life and death type decision.

Janedoe5000 · 30/12/2018 20:46

Depends what the operation is, how urgent he needs it, and the consequences of not having it urgently. Without that info it's impossible to say.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 20:55

Not much of a relationship when your partner would rather you wait for an op and forbid you to spend your own inheritance is it.

The OP has already said that the wait will be the same whether or not he goes private.

Original poster
Footloose80 · 30/12/2018 21:08

Sorry been putting youngest to bed. Being vague as I don't want to out myself. Operation is needed to improve quality of life. Initial concern about having it done private was due to fear that it could go wrong and private hospitals do not have Icus etc and also ridiculous principles. The feeling that the NHS should be there when you need it. Thankfully the procedure went well although it has left a big hole in family finances.
The NHS referral was for both operations. Although I guess he does need to check if having the first op done privately will impact on the referral process.
I guess I am just concerned about the future. Dd1 takes her GCSEs this year so will have travel expenses next year and dd2 is starting secondary so it is going to be an expensive year. Worried about how we are going to manage on my paltry income and ssp. Need to try and up my hours.
I also haven't paid into a pension since giving up full time work after dd2s birth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Footloose80 · 02/01/2019 12:27

To be honest I am starting to resent the situation. I feel like such a bitch but today he said he was enjoying not having any responsibility and was thinking about not returning to work between ops. He can work remotely. He hasn't even checked on the financial implications of this for the family.
Meanwhile I just carry on whether I'll or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Footloose80 · 02/01/2019 12:28

Ill

OP posts:
Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 12:33

He's taking the piss OP.

I hope this solidifies in your mind that you shouldn't give him the money for the op and let him have it on the NHS.

You need that nest egg. Save it for the future.

If he's not contributing to the household then you need to review all expenditures and see what can be cut out. And don't let him moan about keeping anything he likes. If it's inessential, it goes.

Original poster
Footloose80 · 02/01/2019 12:41

Definately need to sort out a sensible budget.

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 02/01/2019 12:49

He's cheerfully announced he won't go back to work without seeing if you all can keep living in your home, paying your bills and eating, etc, while demanding you hand over the rest of the savings?

Yeah, no.

Omzlas · 02/01/2019 12:50

Does any of his 2/3 share remain? Could he use that?

It makes no sense to me that if (IF) the wait times are the same, that he'd pay for the procedure done privately over NHS

'Improve quality of life' is a bit vague but it doesn't sound essential, would it prevent him working?

TheBigBangRocks · 02/01/2019 13:13

I do think it's a but rich to moan about him working remotely or not for a short period whist you only work part time anyway. I'd be resentful if being blamed for poor finances whilst the other had the luxury of part time work.

Maybe a review of finances is due as they seem very unbalanced at the moment.

Original poster
Footloose80 · 02/01/2019 13:50

Tbh I think right now if I was working full time I wouldn't be able to cope as I am doing everything around the home. I do all the childcare and I am working,around this in a physical minimum wage job. On top of this I have the added strain of naming sure dh has everything he needs. Long term I will probably look for another job but right now definately not. The two older kids help a bit but not nearly enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Footloose80 · 02/01/2019 13:51

Making not naming.

OP posts:
Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 19:29

He really has the life of Reilly!

Were you doing all housework and a job when he was working too?

That's very unfair to you OP. You need to make changes when he's recovered. It sounds like he takes you for granted.

Original poster
Footloose80 · 03/01/2019 11:45

Pretty much yes but more balanced than.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 03/01/2019 13:56

The savings are not ops they were his inheritance

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 14:03

I don't think it matters who the primary breadwinner is. You're married and a team it should be a joint decision, discussed and decided on between both of you. I don't think many people would take on being a sahp if it meant being a second class citizen with less access to health care than their partner!

Swipe left for the next trending thread