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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about this

81 replies

Footloose80 · 30/12/2018 19:19

Dh needs to have 2 operations. Just had one privately. I wasn't overly impressed about this as it cost 14k but the NHS wait was long. My aibu is that whilst waiting to go down he suggested that he will use my savings account to pay for the next one. Now these savings were part of his father's inheritance but still. I said now was not the time to discuss. Since than he has been asking about my child benefit account. I keep saying that he neds to chase up NHS referral for second procedure but I get the impression that he just wants to pay privately again.
Aibu to be angry

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 30/12/2018 19:42

Depends on what the surgery is for.

Hezz · 30/12/2018 19:42

Depends what it's for I think

Consolidateyourloins · 30/12/2018 19:42

The NHs wait is a little as 3 months. This is the same length if time he needs to leave before having the second procedure. So no real gain going private on this occasion.

It sounds like he's either testing you or resents you having savings of your own.

I would keep those savings as a nest egg for YOU, OP, you may need it one day.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/12/2018 19:42

Yabu.

I cannot think there is another answer bug yabu.

His procedure, his inheritance to use.

cheesybiter · 30/12/2018 19:42

Is this a reverse?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/12/2018 19:43

The inheritance from his father is in your savings?

I needed an operation. NHS with a long wait would've put me at square one, private would put me miles ahead. We paid. DH had been the main breadwinner because of circumstance and any time the op is mentioned, he says money well spent. We don't differentiate who brings the cash home.

We're a team who look out for each other. Surely that's the main point?

littlemissmanchet · 30/12/2018 19:47

he will use my savings account to pay for the next one. Now these savings were part of his father's inheritance but still

So is the money yours or his from his father? Because if the latter then obviously yabu. What is the surgery for?

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 19:49

Depends what the op is.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 19:51

Who’s the primary breadwinner? If you are (or even if joint) then it’s reasonable for you to decide. If not then you are being very unreasonable.

I actually feel the opposite actually. If her husband is earning well than he can spend from his saving skills and replenish it from his salary. If the OP has no income of her own then that money could be her only security if she decides to leave. He can't just choose to spend her money, and it's especially bad if she has no way of replacing it. I guess because it came from his father he feels it's still his but he's wrong. He gave it to the OP, its in her account, legally it's hers.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 30/12/2018 19:52

I'm surprised how many people think you should just spend your savings on the surgery. Would this leave you without any other savings? That's a precarious situation to be in, especially if your partner's health problems might affect his ability to work.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 19:52

Just try and ignore my many typos please...

Original poster
Footloose80 · 30/12/2018 19:53

After home improvements and a lump sum into the pension the inheritance was split into two accounts. 2/3 Into dhs and 1/3 into mine. This is our only savings bar a few grand in the account child benefit goes into we have. I only work part time as I manage the house and do all the wrap around and holiday childcare.
At the time he booked the first procedure we didn't really know about waiting times. Hence why op said it would be long. Since than we discover the wait is approx 3 months so imo no advantage going private on this occasion.
But I will take on board that Iabu. Maybe I let my principles get I the way. Also I guess I am stressed and struggling to hold it all together.

OP posts:
birdladyfromhomealone · 30/12/2018 19:54

I wouldnt ever have a private op unless its in an NHS hospital with NHS doctors and nurses.
Private hospital have no emergency cover.
If you have an emergency you get blue lighted to an NHS hospital, by then you could be dead????
AND who wants to be operated on by a doctor that has just finished a 12 hr shift on NHS time , comes over to the private hospital tired after a normal shift and operates on his private list for £££ in his pocket.
AND it is true before I get slated as MY DD is a doctor.
This is how they make their NHS salary boom.

Original poster
Footloose80 · 30/12/2018 19:55

That is my other concern what. It won't be long until he goes onto ssp.

OP posts:
Original poster
Footloose80 · 30/12/2018 19:57

I kind of feel the same bird The op was carried out by an NHS consultant who has a private list also. He implied that the NHS wait was 6 months. I now know that this was exaggerated.

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 30/12/2018 19:58
  1. If there is no advantage into having the surgery privately, then why would you?
  1. Why can't he use money from his 2/3 share?
WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 30/12/2018 19:59

So he won't be in any way medically disadvantaged by having the surgery on the NHS? If that's the case then I think he's being very irresponsible trying to use all/most of your savings for it.

Bombardier25966 · 30/12/2018 20:01

And the procedure is...

Three months is good going for NHS surgery, especially over the winter months. My local Trust have no non essential surgery scheduled for January (and most of Dec), so that's six weeks on the normal wait time already.

Is he still on the NHS list?

losingfaith · 30/12/2018 20:03

Where private cover is concerned 3 months is a pretty long wait. I've never waited longer than 2 weeks (including waiting to see consultant for initial consultation) when going private (covered by work health insurance that is taxed), on one occasion it was literally 3 days. Re your question, reasonableness depends on the operation / condition.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/12/2018 20:04

It sounds like savings are around the 14k mark of the original surgery? And that's also the anticipated cost of the second surgery? If this is the case YANBU at all. I would be very concerned about spending that money on a private operation that you can get on the NHS when there is no significant benefit to going private. That's just not sensible spending.

Has he said why he thinks going private instead of the NHS route is worth the big expense?

FascinatingCarrot · 30/12/2018 20:04

Whats the surgery?
Until then we cant agree or disagree with your 'principles'
Has he got a big nose and he wants to look better? Or does he need knee surgery?
It matters, answer the question.

PrincessConsuelaBannanaHammock · 30/12/2018 20:05

If that's the time he has to wait been surgeries and he's likely to get the surgery within the months on the nhs there's no benefit of going private then no yanbu, the savings could come in handy when he is on ssp etc.

Fink · 30/12/2018 20:07

Where private cover is concerned 3 months is a pretty long wait.

The OP is saying that 3 months is the minimum time her dh has to wait between having the two operations, for recovery time. E.G. if you have cataracts done in both eyes, there's a minimum time you have to wait between each eye so that you get the eyesight back in the first eye before having the second one done. She's not saying that the private waiting list is 3 months long.

MortyVicar · 30/12/2018 20:07

How do you share your finances day to day?
If you needed surgery (or anything else serious) would he be happy to spend the money or would you be expected to wait?
And what's happened to his share of the inheritance? Has he already spent it? (in which case it was very sensible to give some to you to save - but you don't have to spend it on him now).

I think this goes beyond money for the op, private vs NHS. It's about your family dynamic.

Bombardier25966 · 30/12/2018 20:09

If you've elected to have the first part of the treatment privately it's likely he'll have been removed from the NHS waiting list. It's not impossible but you can't usually jump between the two, so he may have to start the second referral again.