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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my Boyfriend doing Drugs

64 replies

Piglet96 · 30/12/2018 15:35

long time lurker, first time poster.
this may be long but I wanted to give a suitable back story!
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. I am incredibly anti illegal drugs, and this has previously never been an issue as he, although not actively against them had no interest in doing any kind of illegal drug. however, a couple of months ago we went out for a meal with his friends, then went back to his friend's (Lets call him A) house (an active drug user) and he took ketamine. This was done in front of me, and I ended up having a panic attack because of how uncomfortable I felt, not only that he had done drugs but that everyone around me was doing them. We almost broke up, but after promising he would never touch them again and he didn't know what came over him, we decided to work through it.
I had panic attacks relating to this and trust issues for the next two months, and just managed to feel more like myself again. However last week I then saw a text on his phone where he was messaging A about buying cocaine from him for an upcoming lads weekend away. I confronted him about this, and he admitted that he had done cocaine while on his last lads weekend, just under a month ago.
We again had a huge argument, and I told him to chose between drugs and me. He said he chose me, he didn't want to lose me and he would cancel this next lads trip coming up in less than a month (I didn't ask him to, he said this of his own volition) and that he didn't care about not going, only that he wanted to be with me.
We have stayed together, however he has now gone back on his word (4 days later) and not only is still going on his lads holiday (with A and one of As friends who also does drugs most weekends), but also has said that, while he will try not to, there is no guarantee that he will not do drugs again, even though he knows this will end our relationship as I will not give him another chance. He also suggested he still wants to go to a new years party hosted by A (that we were both invited to but decided not to go to after the argument), and didn't seem to care that this meant he would be going back on his word and also leaving me alone on new years.
I'm really worried that this is how it went last time I forgave him, and he ended up taking drugs again.
Am I being unreasonable in trying to make this work and therefore just ending up controlling his behaviour? he says he's sorry but to be honest I don't trust him around these friends anymore, and he seems to think i'm stopping him from being friends with them (i'm not, and have never said this, i'm just worried that these friends will get him taking drugs more often and this becomes dangerous)
basically i just need peoples advice on whether i am being an unreasonable crazy girlfriend or if i'm justified in not wanting him to go to these events considering they're hosted by a guy who actively encourages him to do drugs on nights out?

OP posts:

Biancadelriosback · 30/12/2018 15:48

I don't think your relationship will survive this tbh. He will continue to do drugs behind your back, you will continue to be hurt by this. You have very different views. I'd walk away tbh

Chickychoccyegg · 30/12/2018 15:51

it's his choice if he takes drugs or not, nothing to do with his friends, he's an adult with a mind of his own
if I were you, I would end the relationship, he obviously wants to take drugs, you dont want him to, this will lead to more lying on his part and lack of trust.
yanbu at all to feel this way,definitely not an unreasonable crazy girlfriend I would have no interest in having a dp who takes drugs, dump him , you'll someone else who can have a good time without resorting to taking drugs

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 15:51

We have stayed together, however he has now gone back on his word (4 days later)

Of course he has.

and not only is still going on his lads holiday (with A and one of As friends who also does drugs most weekends), but also has said that, while he will try not to, there is no guarantee that he will not do drugs again, even though he knows this will end our relationship

well there is your answer then. You asked him to choose between you and drugs. He's choosing drugs. You know what you need to do. This won't get any better.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 15:55

I don't trust him around these friends anymore, and he seems to think i'm stopping him from being friends with them (i'm not, and have never said this, i'm just worried that these friends will get him taking drugs more often and this becomes dangerous)

This is about him, not his friends. He's a grown man. His friends don't make him do anything. He does drugs because he wants to. Their girlfriends are probably saying the same thing about your boyfriend.

People who have decided they love drugs will fight very hard indeed for the right to carry on doing exactly as they choose and they genuinely don't see how it impacts in any negative way on you. They will never see.

Decide now whether you want to put up with years of that shit, or not.

Chuffingchuff · 30/12/2018 16:05

Seems like he has enjoyed his dabbling with drugs and wants to keep doing them. He won't stop. And someone who says they can't promise they won't do something basically means they are going to do it. I would walk away, it's only going to cause you more heartache in the long run.

Jackshouse · 30/12/2018 16:07

If you don’t want your boyfriend to do drugs then you need to choose man who does not do drugs. This man does drugs.

LostInShoebiz · 30/12/2018 16:09

He’s spun you a line about not being interested in dabbling in drugs. No one goes from nothing straight to ketamine. For the last two years he’s been on best behaviour and presented a different side of himself. The real him is coming out now and I think it’s highly likely it’s here to stay.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 30/12/2018 16:10

I agree with pp that his friends are not to blame. He's an adult and he makes his own choices.

It seems fairly clear to me that he was already using recreational drugs regularly prior to becoming involved with you and he probably just pretended that he wasn't interested in them because of your anti-drug stance. People who don't take any drugs at all don't tend to randomly decide to take Ketamine and cocaine on a night out. Drugs are obviously a feature of his social life and he's unlikely to give that up because of pressure from someone else, he'll either outgrow it of his own accord or he won't.

Wolfiefan · 30/12/2018 16:11

Jacks speaks sense.

Starlight456 · 30/12/2018 16:16

You are already over . You don’t trust him ( I wouldn’t either)

He will take drugs again behind your back you may or may not find out. I can guarantee he has done drugs you don’t know about.

SaucyJack · 30/12/2018 16:17

Yeah- was just about to say what LostInShoeboz said. Absolutely no one picks ket as their first experiment into illegal drugs.

He’s already a recreational drug user, and probably has been for a long time. He’s just testing the boundaries now to see what he can get away with in front of you.

You two are not the people for each other. Wish him well, and walk away.

notacooldad · 30/12/2018 16:18

You gave him a chance and he Pissed on it.

You keep having him back so he will keep doing it.
Stop being a bloody fool and at least you stick to your word.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2018 16:19

Take off your blinders, raise the bar, and get rid. He's a drug user and he will never change. If anything, he will get worse.

Munchyseeds · 30/12/2018 16:35

He has made his choice and you are not it
Sorry

Original poster

Piglet96 · 30/12/2018 16:36

I did think about it, but tbh I actually find the idea of not being with him more painful than him doing drugs again :(

OP posts:

notacooldad · 30/12/2018 16:49

I did think about it, but tbh I actually find the idea of not being with him more painful than him doing drugs again

You are staying with him?
If so you are the mug he takes you for and your future threats will be of absolutely no concern to him because they mean fuck all.

ForalltheSaints · 30/12/2018 17:07

End the relationship. It may be painful for a while, but have some dignity.

MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2018 17:11

I did think about it, but tbh I actually find the idea of not being with him more painful than him doing drugs again

Don't be a mug. He's picked the drugs over you, so just walk away and soothe that broken heart away from him. It's not going to work.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 30/12/2018 17:14

So, where is this relationship going then?
You'd rather be with him than not, even if he continues to be becomes a regular druggie.
You going to marry him? Have kids? How do you see co-parenting with him, when he's been out on a bender? Could you guarantee your baby's safety with him in charge? Or know that your toddler couldn't accidentally come across some illicit substance and ingest it?

Get rid of this loser now, ffs.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 17:15

tbh I actually find the idea of not being with him more painful than him doing drugs again sad

That's because it hasn't got that bad yet. Just wait.

Starlight456 · 30/12/2018 17:16

Have some pride.

This man picked drugs over you now you want to settle for been second to drugs

gendercritter · 30/12/2018 17:17

I would agree that he's most likely been using drugs this whole time and some quite serious stuff.

I really really really hate drugs for multiple reasons. I have friends who do them and that isn't my business. I wouldn't judge them per se and it doesn't really affect our friendships. But I absolutely couldn't date someone who did them. It's just not right for me. I think honestly with your partners choice of drugs this is going to cause issues for you and potentially a lot of hurt and pain. While it might be really hard to walk away, I would say do so now before you get in deeper. There are a lot of people who would say you're very lucky you've found out now.

Shockers · 30/12/2018 17:18

You set your bar and he went under it. That’s his doing, not yours.

You will be better off without him.

Bambamber · 30/12/2018 17:19

I agree with a pp, that was not the first time he did drugs. No one jumps straight in at ketamine as a first time drug user

UghFletcher · 30/12/2018 17:26

Run,
Run far away.

This fuck nugget has shown you who he is so heed the warning and cut things off.
Drugs will always be more important than you, more important than any family, more important than any plans you have.

Please don't be a mug.

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