To not want my Boyfriend doing Drugs

[Piglet96]

long time lurker, first time poster.
this may be long but I wanted to give a suitable back story!
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. I am incredibly anti illegal drugs, and this has previously never been an issue as he, although not actively against them had no interest in doing any kind of illegal drug. however, a couple of months ago we went out for a meal with his friends, then went back to his friend's (Lets call him A) house (an active drug user) and he took ketamine. This was done in front of me, and I ended up having a panic attack because of how uncomfortable I felt, not only that he had done drugs but that everyone around me was doing them. We almost broke up, but after promising he would never touch them again and he didn't know what came over him, we decided to work through it.
I had panic attacks relating to this and trust issues for the next two months, and just managed to feel more like myself again. However last week I then saw a text on his phone where he was messaging A about buying cocaine from him for an upcoming lads weekend away. I confronted him about this, and he admitted that he had done cocaine while on his last lads weekend, just under a month ago.
We again had a huge argument, and I told him to chose between drugs and me. He said he chose me, he didn't want to lose me and he would cancel this next lads trip coming up in less than a month (I didn't ask him to, he said this of his own volition) and that he didn't care about not going, only that he wanted to be with me.
We have stayed together, however he has now gone back on his word (4 days later) and not only is still going on his lads holiday (with A and one of As friends who also does drugs most weekends), but also has said that, while he will try not to, there is no guarantee that he will not do drugs again, even though he knows this will end our relationship as I will not give him another chance. He also suggested he still wants to go to a new years party hosted by A (that we were both invited to but decided not to go to after the argument), and didn't seem to care that this meant he would be going back on his word and also leaving me alone on new years.
I'm really worried that this is how it went last time I forgave him, and he ended up taking drugs again.
Am I being unreasonable in trying to make this work and therefore just ending up controlling his behaviour? he says he's sorry but to be honest I don't trust him around these friends anymore, and he seems to think i'm stopping him from being friends with them (i'm not, and have never said this, i'm just worried that these friends will get him taking drugs more often and this becomes dangerous)
basically i just need peoples advice on whether i am being an unreasonable crazy girlfriend or if i'm justified in not wanting him to go to these events considering they're hosted by a guy who actively encourages him to do drugs on nights out?

Every time you give him the option between you and drugs, he chooses drugs. And you still stay with him??

More fool you.

I'm sorry your in pain, but this pain now is better than a life time of coming second to drugs.

He does not love you enough to stop doing something illegal and dangerous.

He does not love you more than heoves doing drugs with his mates.

Do you want a lifetime of not knowing what drugs he's doing. Not knowing if this will be the time he has a bad reaction and dies? Of having to explain his behaviour away to your future children? I'd being second choice?

You are worth more than.

He is telling you who he is, please listen to him

Maybe i am getting old but when you spoke about doing first time drugs, I was expecting you to say weed not ket or coke. This is not dabbling lovey.

It is his choice to take them. His choice to hang out with people that take them. His choice to exercise no fecking willpower. His choice to blow his relationship with you.

Heartbreaking it may be but do you seriously see a future with someone who puts them over you? Who can't guarantee he won't take them and who lied to you on multiple occasions to cover up his dirty habit?

Be strong. You have him back and he will know you don't mean it.

It would be a deal breaker for me too.

I dont have a problem with recreational drug use

But you do and its more important to you than your partner so go with that

It sounds like you are not compatible. I would bet money that even if he tells you otherwise, he will continue to do drugs behind your back because 1) it seems like his friends do it and 2) it seems like he enjoys it. It seems like you two are not compatible. I personally think you should leave him as otherwise you'll feel anxious every time he goes out with his friends as he has already broken your trust. You can't change a person or force him to share your values so it's better for you to walk away.

I think you're incredibly naive to think he's just suddenly started taking quite serious, heavy duty drugs!

I think it highly likely he's been regularly using the whole time you've been together he's just not hiding it as well any more - and in his mind why should he when he just has to say sorry, make meaningless gestures and you forgive him! Until the next time.

I'm vehemently anti illegal drugs, I wouldn't even date a smoker or heavy drinker.

The Ketamine?! Fuck that I'd have been gone!

His "no guarantee" is him telling you - he is choosing the drugs over you. He knows there's a risk you'll leave he doesn't care. He'd rather lose you than the drugs.

I think you're dealing with a very good at hiding it addict!

"No one goes from nothing straight to ketamine" this with huge great church bells on!!

I come from a family full of addicts and I'm not buying he went from nothing to ket!!

Seriously get out now! It does not get better. You will be caring for him and any children, you'll be subsidising his habit, dealing with the vomit, piss & shit, possibly even violence.

You'd be a mug to stay.

Ever heard the saying

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me?

He's fooled you on several occasions now are you going to carry on being his fool?

Even aside from the drugs issue, he's lied, prioritised 2 other things in his life above you (friends and drugs), made promises he had no intention of keeping, let you down on a significant event.

The lying alone is worth binning him for!

I have absolutely no problem with recreational drug use, people are adults and can do as they please. But if you're so against them it causes you panic attacks then it's not going to work is it.

His "no guarantee" is him telling you - he is choosing the drugs over you. He knows there's a risk you'll leave he doesn't care. He'd rather lose you than the drugs.

I'd tweak this slightly to say it's not that he doesn't care, I'm sure we would care if you left him OP. But he'd be all sad for a few days then say 'Fuck it, who does she think she is? She can't control me.' and drown his sorrows in a nose full of coke.

He just doesn't care enough to change for you. He's telling you 'This is who I am. This is how I like to live. Don't try to change me or control me.'

And he'd have a point. If you feel the need to force a partner to improve in some way before you can relax and be properly happy then they aren't really right for you, are they?

You are young with loads of time to meet The One. It's better to focus on finding a guy you who doesn't spark any major stress and anxiety in you than to waste your energy trying to hammer out the flaws in someone who is fundamentally wrong for you. I know you'll be thinking 'But apart from this, he's not wrong, he's perfect.' But if he were, there would be no 'but apart from this.' Clearly this is something that he won't change, and you can't change.

His recreational drug may get out of hand and cause major addiction, mental health or financial problems for him - or it might not, and he might grow out of it in time.

But do you want to spend the next few years of your life worrying about which way it will go? The further you go down this road the harder it is to walk away.

You might one day have a child and a home together. What happens when you need money for food and the 50 quid you thought was in your purse has gone? What happens when he goes AWOL for three days on some bender and misses an important event with you, or gets fired from his job?

Do you know what it's like laying awake at 4am, AGAIN, wondering if he's dead in a ditch? OD'd? Stabbed? Because whether it's excessive drinking or drugs, if you choose settle down with someone who likes to party a bit too hard, this is how your life will be.

Youve given him another ultimatum? Are you just going to keep giving ultimatums in the hope that at some point he will actually choose you? You realise this isnt working right? You also realise going on a break is an excuse to do drugs while you're not officially together right?

I hate to be the one...but wake the fuck up.

OP will not leave this guy. She’ll twist herself in knots to accept his drug use even though she hates it. The fact she keeps making threats and not following through shows this.

Fast forward two years and she’ll have DC1 aand he’ll be off with his mates for lads weekends without caring how she’s coping. She’ll be on here complaining whilst actively TTC DC2.

He’s already made his choice he’s telling you what you want to hear (that he chooses you) and then immediately goes out and gets high.

Be thankful you don’t have children with this man. He will never change

I agree. I don't think the OP is even close to being ready to give up on him. She'll put herself through a few more years of worry and stress first, before she accepts she can't mould him into who she wants him to be.

I think some of the posters on here saying he'll be dead in a ditch or turn into some sort of hardcore addict are over egging it. Most recreational users don't end up shooting up in an alleyway or turning to petty crime, the vast majority just indulge occasionally and grow out of it eventually. So stop with they hyperbole please

However.. the OP has indicated that ANY drug use is a major deal breaker for her and not something she can compromise on. She has the right to make that judgement and the obligation to uphold her standards with consequences if they are not met. So OP, I don't think you have any option but to end it.

I knew someone would come along and say that Russell. It's not that he might end up sitting on a filthy sleeping bag, shooting up in an alley, (although plenty of people do end up doing that) but when you are with a partner who regularly prioritises partying hard over coming home at a sensible time because he has a job and a family to think about, and who regularly makes promises he doesn't keep because the right to go out and get wasted becomes more important to him than how you feel about it, then you have a problem.

One minute it's 'I don't go out that often so I'm entitled to blow off some steam now and again' and the next it's:

'I'll be on the next train, home in an hour' at 8pm then his phone mysteriously goes off, his 'last drink' turns into six more, or his last line turns into another line and a few pills, and the next thing you know it's 9am on a Saturday, the kids are asking where he is and you have no idea if he's had a car crash, is in another woman's bed, has been taken ill or is dead.

It's a horrible, horrible feeling and it's a feeling some women tolerate month in month out for years because they didn't have the courage to walk away when all the signs were there that this would be their life.

And now they are stuck because of children and financial commitments.