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Original poster

To not want my Boyfriend doing Drugs

64 replies

Piglet96 · 30/12/2018 15:35

long time lurker, first time poster.
this may be long but I wanted to give a suitable back story!
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. I am incredibly anti illegal drugs, and this has previously never been an issue as he, although not actively against them had no interest in doing any kind of illegal drug. however, a couple of months ago we went out for a meal with his friends, then went back to his friend's (Lets call him A) house (an active drug user) and he took ketamine. This was done in front of me, and I ended up having a panic attack because of how uncomfortable I felt, not only that he had done drugs but that everyone around me was doing them. We almost broke up, but after promising he would never touch them again and he didn't know what came over him, we decided to work through it.
I had panic attacks relating to this and trust issues for the next two months, and just managed to feel more like myself again. However last week I then saw a text on his phone where he was messaging A about buying cocaine from him for an upcoming lads weekend away. I confronted him about this, and he admitted that he had done cocaine while on his last lads weekend, just under a month ago.
We again had a huge argument, and I told him to chose between drugs and me. He said he chose me, he didn't want to lose me and he would cancel this next lads trip coming up in less than a month (I didn't ask him to, he said this of his own volition) and that he didn't care about not going, only that he wanted to be with me.
We have stayed together, however he has now gone back on his word (4 days later) and not only is still going on his lads holiday (with A and one of As friends who also does drugs most weekends), but also has said that, while he will try not to, there is no guarantee that he will not do drugs again, even though he knows this will end our relationship as I will not give him another chance. He also suggested he still wants to go to a new years party hosted by A (that we were both invited to but decided not to go to after the argument), and didn't seem to care that this meant he would be going back on his word and also leaving me alone on new years.
I'm really worried that this is how it went last time I forgave him, and he ended up taking drugs again.
Am I being unreasonable in trying to make this work and therefore just ending up controlling his behaviour? he says he's sorry but to be honest I don't trust him around these friends anymore, and he seems to think i'm stopping him from being friends with them (i'm not, and have never said this, i'm just worried that these friends will get him taking drugs more often and this becomes dangerous)
basically i just need peoples advice on whether i am being an unreasonable crazy girlfriend or if i'm justified in not wanting him to go to these events considering they're hosted by a guy who actively encourages him to do drugs on nights out?

OP posts:
OutPinked · 30/12/2018 17:32

Oh dear OP. I dated a ket user/addict years ago, never again. He was always ‘quitting after this time’ and never did. Went behind my back a few times, tried hiding the fact he was high around me but it was so obvious. I left him, it was clearly never going to stop.

Not saying your DP is an addict but he knows how you feel about drug use yet he has still chosen to do it. You should leave.

AsleepAllDay · 30/12/2018 17:38

Just no. Ket and coke are addictive substances and he has been lying to you & gaslighting you about it. He has chosen the drugs first before you

BMW6 · 30/12/2018 17:41

Seriously OP don't be such a fool and stay with this loser. He is a serious drug user. Drugs will always. always come before everything.

Why stick with him and waste years of your life in increasing misery, when you could walk away now relatively unscathed. Sure you will be very unhappy for a while - but you will get over him, and you will never get back time wasted in a dead-end relationship.

If you choose to stick with him you might as well take drugs yourself so you can go down together (how romantic).......

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/12/2018 17:49

I agree with PP. I don't know anyone that tried ketamine as a first time drug. I am sorry but he was doing this before, he's done it since you told him it was a deal breaker and there don't seem to be any consequences. With the coke, it wasn't just something he stumbled on when on a night out and his inhibitions were lowered through alcohol - he was actively trying to arrange for some in advance while sober. There is no way he will stop.

And he wants to leave you alone at new year??? That's not nice irrespective of any drugs issues.

I'm sorry but I think you're on very different pages on this one. If you're having panic attacks at the thought of him taking it I'm not sure there will be a middle ground. Sorry OP

Onestep2 · 30/12/2018 18:26

I am going to get roasted on this but it's just a bit of perspective.

Back in our younger days both me and DH would "dabble" and take cocaine at social events with friends.

At the time both held down full time jobs, were financially well off, have never been addicted or become druggies or had any mental health issues. Nor are we bad people. We done it because to us it was fun and enjoyable. (I'm not saying everyone will accept this but this is just my opinion)

( before i get hung out to dry- I'm in no way saying drug use is acceptable nor am i proud we use to do it but just giving a bit of perspective.)

If your beliefs about being anti drugs is stronger than being with your partner then it's only fair that you end it.

Lookingforadvice123 · 30/12/2018 18:30

YANBU because you're entitled to your views on illegal drugs and had made your position clear. That's all you can do though, I strongly suggest you end the relationship now if you can't accept his life choices (and you shouldn't have to, you obviously weren't aware of his drug taking when you got together).

For what it's worth this would be a deal breaker for me too, at this age (I'm 30!). My college boyfriend took cocaine, ecstasy etc and I did dabble in one or two at the time, although not cocaine. But I was 18-19, I wouldn't do it now.

Pollypopit · 30/12/2018 18:50

@Piglet96

Apologies if I am wrong in my assumption but going by your username Im going to guess you're in your early 20s.

My first boyfriend took ecstasy every single weekend he went out in the 90s we argued over it every night he did it. He got aggressive and then the next day told me he would never do it again. Then he started taking cocaine. Then it became a daily habit. Every night out centred around finding and taking drugs. Over the 2 years we were together he spent our saved deposit on a binge, stole from my purse and missed my sisters wedding.

I believe he still "enjoys" drugs living as if he is 20 still. I gave him the same ultimatum and his behaviour proved time and time again he would never stop.

You need to understand that your relationship is not "special" (as we all imagine ours to be the exception to the rule) and that he has already chosen drugs. So you either stay with him and drugs risking all the shit that will bring or dump him.

I advise the later.

Pollypopit · 30/12/2018 18:53

I will also add that I took drugs with exboyfriend. Ecstasy was everywhere. But the important distinction is that i did not prioritise it over anything - whereas all ex cared about was getting drugs

brighteyeowl17 · 30/12/2018 18:53

:( I feel for you

Are you sure he only took ketamine when you were with him, for the first time? It’s pretty hardcore for a first time? My ex said he did coke for the me first time when I was there but I found out a few years after he sold it/used it long before. Illegal drugs are a funny thing. I know many people who dabble but are not addicts. However they are open about it. If he is so curious as to risk your relationship, or cannot resist and tired to hide it, I would walk away now. If his circle of friends is into them it’s a no win situation if he wants to he will. Plus comedowns etc can lead to terrible mood swings and change a person.

mama17 · 30/12/2018 20:41

End this relationship! This is from personal experience and started off very similar to what you have said. It will get worse, he will continue to lie and has already basically chosen the drugs. Don't put yourself through it

Yellowmellowed · 30/12/2018 20:57

@Onestep2

I completely agree with you, myself and DH were in the same position. I’m shocked at the comments saying he’s a serious drug user.... really? Unless OP has stated he does this every single day or weekend, he’s hardly a serious drug user is he?

Before any says - yes he very well may be eventually but he’s not right now. Plenty of people have dabbled in drugs, I’m not saying this is right but to label everyone the same for dabbling is ridiculous.

Hope you’re ok OP

Original poster
Piglet96 · 30/12/2018 21:27

We discussed it, and again, he could not guarantee he would not do drugs on his next lads holiday. I said this is the ultimatum, me or drugs and if he can't guarantee it he chooses drugs, and he still could not guarantee. We decided we both needed time apart to think about what we want. We're now 'on a break' and I'm entirely heartbroken

OP posts:
notacooldad · 30/12/2018 21:49

piglet
You are going to be hurt for a while. It is horrible to be heartbroken over a relationship and the hurting doesn't stop over night.

However you would have years of constant hurt if you stayed in this relationship with the drug use likely to escalate and bringing all sorts of trouble to your door.

Stay strong.

Handprints2018 · 30/12/2018 21:50

Im sorry you are heartbroken. The reality though is that he chose drugs long ago.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2018 21:54

How many ultimatums (that you don't follow through) are you prepared to give him ?

No wonder he takes the piss. You say you don't want a bf that takes drugs but this is who he is

Take it. Or leave it. But you won't change him.

losingfaith · 30/12/2018 21:55

He was likely doing drive before he met you. Now he likes you but also likes the drugs and maybe feels a little torn. At the end of the day do you want to be in the situation where you have kids and you're wondering where he is / what he has taken?

sparklepops123 · 30/12/2018 21:55

Sorry but he likes drugs more than you. Please don’t chase after this loser

losingfaith · 30/12/2018 23:21

*drugs not drive

RussellSprout · 31/12/2018 00:00

You're right to choose what you will or won't tolerate, but I can't see this one working as clearly he wants to indulge. Don't beg him to stop, just walk away. He's indicated his preference through his actions and it aint you I'm afraid.

BertieBotts · 31/12/2018 00:14

You have incompatible core beliefs. You believe drugs are intolerable, he believes they are perfectly fine and even normal/enjoyable.

This isn't about who is right or wrong, and you're fighting a losing battle trying to change his mind just as he would be unlikely to change your mind - this is a fundamental case of non shared values.

It's OK to end a relationship because you realise that you don't have the same view of important things. In fact, it's an extremely important aspect of healthy relationship behaviour to do so. Recognise what you want and don't want to deal with in a relationship, and act accordingly. No person is so special and wonderful that they are worth compromising over this kind of thing for.

BertieBotts · 31/12/2018 00:26

Break ups are painful, absolutely, but try thinking long term - a husband, long term partner or co-parent who uses drugs regularly, is addicted or has other problems related to drug use - ultimately the long term effects of these things are massively more painful than a break up, although it is very sad to lose somebody that you love.

If you just want a boyfriend for right now then you might be able to overlook these issues until the point where they outweigh any positive points. However if you want a long term, settled relationship, marriage, shared life together and/or children, then you need to be more ruthless when something comes up which shows clear unsuitability. You can't build a shared life together if you simply let a relationship get to the point it's unbearable before you start again, and if you do want children then there is only so much time - you can't afford to waste time with a bloke who would not be a good father or role model.

You might be stuck in a thought pattern of "most men are shit and I've found a rare one which has X, Y and Z good points, therefore I ought to overlook some bad ones" - if so please don't be, this is absolutely categorically not true and it can cause you so much heartache. There are plenty of decent blokes out there but if you're constantly expecting them to be shit you'll only see the shit ones.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 31/12/2018 00:28

Previous poster @BertieBotts says everything I was going to say.

You have incompatible beliefs therefore your relationship can never last the distance. I am very anti-drugs and this would be an absolute deal breaker for me - I couldn't ignore my own strong beliefs to make way for someone else to indulge in that behaviour in front of me, knowing I would hate it.

Chocolate1984 · 31/12/2018 00:29

A break will work because now he can take drugs with no guilt. Probably sleep with someone on the lads holiday too. You'll pull him up on his behaviour and he will throw it back in your face that you were both on a break, he was upset, his head was all over the place, he loves you, will never take drugs again, please forgive me boohoo etc etc

He keeps choosing drugs over you. You keep saying you will leave him if he takes drugs, he keeps taking drugs and you never leave.

jimmyjammy001 · 31/12/2018 01:38

Op it is quite clear that he does not feel the same way about you as you do him, he has chosen drugs over you, hard as it is time to move on, you really don't want to be going down that route, he will not change if you give into him and just allow it, if he cared about you he would give them up.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 31/12/2018 02:16

Chocolate1984 has hit the nail on the head. Also agreeing with PPs - ketamine is not the first foray into drug taking. He’s been taking these for a long time and has hid it.

I rarely say this and mean it, but ditch him. Seriously.

You don’t need the problems that drugs will bring to your door. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who you realistically don’t know how much of your time spent together, that he has been off his face. Do you want children and that to be a role model?

The heartbreak might hurt now, but it’s better than the alternative. He has already made his choice- you need to make yours.

Having said that I know it’s miserable Flowers