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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more than a mumbled apology?

293 replies

Mamapuddlefluff · 30/12/2018 08:34

This is my first post, but I've been here for a long time. This may be rather long.

Yesterday was my daughters 8th birthday. She has been treated under CAMHS for the past year and a bit for anxiety and panic disirders and was discharged just before Christmas, which she is very proud of - it's been a tough year. Her birthday is the only thing she has looked forward to or been excited about in a very long time.

So all going well yesterday we take her out for lunch upon her request; me, my oh, ds and other dd plus my mum. Having a lovely time until my brother drops by as he's lost his key so wants to borrow my mums and drop it back. No problem. He comes back ans makes a snarky remark to my mum and is told to hold his whisht and carry on. My oh, however started a full blown argument in the restaurant with him. They do not get on, never have but there's no real reason except a clash of personality. My daughter starts crying as its her birthday and i tell my oh to stop as he's upsetting the kids.

My brother leaves and my oh is clearly fuming. The manager comes and asks is everything ok as my daughter is now v upset. I tell my oh calmly that whatever his issue is, now is not the time as its our girls birthday just calm down. I'm very quickly given a mouthful and told she is full of attitude she needs telling off not him - meaning our daughter who only told him to stop nothing else. He declares he may aswell go as he's clearly causing a problem.

We all leave and walk home, less than 10 minute walk. On this walk our daughter begs and pleads with her dad to not go anywhere, that she is sorry and she will do anything to resolve the argument. He gives her the front door keys and says I'll be back when I'm back. She literally crumples and is in bits as her main trigger for her anxiety is people leaving/dying. I tell him enough is enough and to stop can he not see what he's doing to her. I'm swiftly told to shut up and she wouldn't be like that but for me anyway and that i can take the kids and f**k off. He stalks off and thats that.

I talk the kids home and try my best to calm our daughter down and reassure her. My mum is aghast but busies herself helping with my other two kids. My oh turns up an hour or so later and goes to bed for a bit. I try to keep things as normal as possible for my daughter so play jigsaws with her until my oh comes down and demands i stop as he wanted to do it with her. My daughter tells him she wanted me to do it but he can help later. He gets all ragey and says that we're excluding him, but we weren't i just wanted my girl to have something to do to occupy her mind and give her something else to focus on. He then sits in a strop for the evening.

The evening carries on we have some party food. We have birthday cake and my mum gets ready to leave and he gives a general applogy for the way he acted. My mum tells him it should be more than that really and she leaves. My oh tells me my mum has no right in saying this its his house etc. He apologises to our daughter and the kids go to bed. He literally mumbles a sorry to me and goes to bed himself.

This isn't the first time he's acted like this. I think he owes us more than a mumbled sorry but more than that he needs to address his temper i think. Or AIBU?

If you've gotten to the end thankyou for reading. Xx

OP posts:
Bloomcounty · 30/12/2018 09:47

Your poor wee girl, and poor you too. What horrible behaviour from both your OH, and your brother. If they can't be adults and put a distressed child first, especially as its something she struggles with, then I'd seriously be considering a future without either of them, myself. I won't tell you what to do as that's your decision, but I would put my vulnerable child first personally, whatever that takes.

DaysLikeThis1 · 30/12/2018 09:47

OP I hope that what you have just posted is true. That you really are taking the children away. You have been abused and downtrodden for a long time. You will have to be both brave and strong for the children and yourself. It won’t be easy, but I promise you it will be better.

Yulebealrite · 30/12/2018 09:48

Usually the fear is worst than the reality. When her worst fear happens and life continues as you all learn to manage without him and the stress he causes, she can begin to recover. If things don't change, she'll get worse.

DameSquashalot · 30/12/2018 09:48

Good luck OP. 💐

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 30/12/2018 09:48

Leaving is the right thing. A year's intervention by CAMHS is bloody serious (they wouldn't treat my suicidal 8 year old as he wasn't "bad enough," for example) and you say the anxiety is triggered by separation and then say your DP is 'always' threatening to leave. Hearing you say say he was begging him not to go, she'd do anything - please please break that cycle. Put all your shit in one sock and go - call WA and get a paper trail so that he doesn't get to pull this abusive shit every other weekend.

greathat · 30/12/2018 09:48

Sounds like he's the source of your child's issues

oatmilk4breakfast · 30/12/2018 09:49

Well done OP, so so sorry you’re going through this. But you are making best decision for your children because you are thinking of them.

FlyingElbows · 30/12/2018 09:51

Your husband is my mother. I learnt to apologise to appease her, just like your daughter, and it became my default setting. I still do it and I'm in my 40s now. I lived in fear of her volatile temper and her tantrums and it affected my mh too. I wish to God someone had intervened to save us from it. She wasn't awful all the time but enough of the time to do us lasting damage.

You know what you have to do and you're lucky enough to have family to support you in doing it. Your children may be sad initially but they will thank you in the long run.

RoboticSealpup · 30/12/2018 09:51

He's emotionally abusive. I hope you leave.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 30/12/2018 09:53

Huge relief to read your update. Please follow through with this OP. Don't let him stop you. Your mum will want to help.

beanaseireann · 30/12/2018 09:54

What exactly did your brother say that caused a big argument to start in the restaurant while celebrating your daughter's birthday ?
Couldn't they, as the adults, not behave themselves on her special day.
You and your Mum are being so stressed by this selfish man.
I believe stress can lead to physical illness so you need to look after yourself / sort out this bully because your children need you.

fatpord · 30/12/2018 09:54

Leaving is the only choice you have to protect your children and yourself. But you will need to be very very strong. He will make your life miserable with guilt and use your children's emotions to get to you. He is emotional controlling and will NOT change. Please be careful about unsupervised contact with the children - he won't let go easily.

Huggybear16 · 30/12/2018 09:55

I can't let my kids live like this anymore.
He won't leave so we are

You won't regret it, OP. Sounds like your mum will be on board with this, as would your brother. Take all the support on offer. Remember that any short term disruption that this may cause is only temporary. In the long term, you leaving now will bring massive benefits to you and your children.

Good luck. It's tough but it will be worth it.

ChristmasFluff · 30/12/2018 09:57

Your daughter is terrified of abandonment because she sees her father threatening it all the time. By leaving him due to his bad behaviour, you will be teaching your daughter not to tolerate this type of abuse, and you will be demonstrating that when someone threatens to leave, the best thing to do is to cut them loose because you don't need them.

youaremyrain · 30/12/2018 09:57

You've spoken to him about his behaviour but he has a go at you and nothing changes?

To expect more than a mumbled apology?
ElainaElephant · 30/12/2018 09:57

Good luck op.

If it helps, I did the same thing, my children were slightly older.

Ten years on, I am still happily single. Life is so much better than it was living with someone that was emotionally unavailable and selfish to the core. It took me a while to get back to who I should be, but it was like a huge weight was lifted. My children are now both adults at university. They can see what he was doing at the time despite me trying to be positive about him for their sakes and see him very occasionally nowadays.

You will come out the other end stronger and happier, and your children will thrive.

Missingstreetlife · 30/12/2018 09:57

So be prepared for his bluster and abuse, crying and promises.
No good leaving for effect, and crawling back later, you have to mean it.
He will promise to change, but you need to see the change over a long period. Get help it won't be easy

ElainaElephant · 30/12/2018 09:59

Much better to have one parent fully in your corner than one that is a selfish ass and one that is trying to protect you from that.

DameFanny · 30/12/2018 10:02

Please OP engage with Women's Aid - it's great that you're leaving but you need to stay gone, and they can help you with this. They'll help you find a Legal Aid solicitor so you can protect your children from unsupervised access, and get you the assets you need from the marriage to look after your children.

It's really important that you get the emotional abuse documented, especially for your DD, so that she can be protected. Being a victim of domestic abuse also makes it easier to access support to stay safe - such as Legal Aid

You don't have to do it all at once, but make a start so you can keep going when things get tougher Flowers

mummyhaschangedhername · 30/12/2018 10:02

Your poor daughter.

I think leaving is perhaps the right thing, although I am not sure doing it in the heat of the moment is. Prepare, get everything together, including all you paperwork. Make a plan and get out. Prepare what you will say to the children and know where you are going.

StoppinBy · 30/12/2018 10:02

If you feel unsafe leaving, please call the police and they will escort you elsewhere and stay while you pack etc.

SauvignonBlanche · 30/12/2018 10:05

Good luck, please get advice from Women’s Aid.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/12/2018 10:05

Well done OP and good luck x

staffiegirl · 30/12/2018 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiderplantsalad · 30/12/2018 10:12

Well done OP - long term your daughter will thank you. Be prepared for some serious backpedaling and promises to change once you're gone. He won't change. Don't believe him. Stay away.