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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more than a mumbled apology?

293 replies

Mamapuddlefluff · 30/12/2018 08:34

This is my first post, but I've been here for a long time. This may be rather long.

Yesterday was my daughters 8th birthday. She has been treated under CAMHS for the past year and a bit for anxiety and panic disirders and was discharged just before Christmas, which she is very proud of - it's been a tough year. Her birthday is the only thing she has looked forward to or been excited about in a very long time.

So all going well yesterday we take her out for lunch upon her request; me, my oh, ds and other dd plus my mum. Having a lovely time until my brother drops by as he's lost his key so wants to borrow my mums and drop it back. No problem. He comes back ans makes a snarky remark to my mum and is told to hold his whisht and carry on. My oh, however started a full blown argument in the restaurant with him. They do not get on, never have but there's no real reason except a clash of personality. My daughter starts crying as its her birthday and i tell my oh to stop as he's upsetting the kids.

My brother leaves and my oh is clearly fuming. The manager comes and asks is everything ok as my daughter is now v upset. I tell my oh calmly that whatever his issue is, now is not the time as its our girls birthday just calm down. I'm very quickly given a mouthful and told she is full of attitude she needs telling off not him - meaning our daughter who only told him to stop nothing else. He declares he may aswell go as he's clearly causing a problem.

We all leave and walk home, less than 10 minute walk. On this walk our daughter begs and pleads with her dad to not go anywhere, that she is sorry and she will do anything to resolve the argument. He gives her the front door keys and says I'll be back when I'm back. She literally crumples and is in bits as her main trigger for her anxiety is people leaving/dying. I tell him enough is enough and to stop can he not see what he's doing to her. I'm swiftly told to shut up and she wouldn't be like that but for me anyway and that i can take the kids and f**k off. He stalks off and thats that.

I talk the kids home and try my best to calm our daughter down and reassure her. My mum is aghast but busies herself helping with my other two kids. My oh turns up an hour or so later and goes to bed for a bit. I try to keep things as normal as possible for my daughter so play jigsaws with her until my oh comes down and demands i stop as he wanted to do it with her. My daughter tells him she wanted me to do it but he can help later. He gets all ragey and says that we're excluding him, but we weren't i just wanted my girl to have something to do to occupy her mind and give her something else to focus on. He then sits in a strop for the evening.

The evening carries on we have some party food. We have birthday cake and my mum gets ready to leave and he gives a general applogy for the way he acted. My mum tells him it should be more than that really and she leaves. My oh tells me my mum has no right in saying this its his house etc. He apologises to our daughter and the kids go to bed. He literally mumbles a sorry to me and goes to bed himself.

This isn't the first time he's acted like this. I think he owes us more than a mumbled sorry but more than that he needs to address his temper i think. Or AIBU?

If you've gotten to the end thankyou for reading. Xx

OP posts:
OyOy · 30/12/2018 09:09

he's a fantastic dad

Genuinely perplexed at how so many women post threads about cruel, abusive men and follow it up with this line.

These women also tend to blame their poor kids for keeping them in this situation

my kids would be distraught if we weren't together

A man who chooses to behave like this at any time, let alone in these circs, is in no way a fantastic Dad, ever.

Your poor kids...

MessyHouse91 · 30/12/2018 09:10

I could have lifted this story from my own childhood. If he acts like this with your DD when she’s little and wants everybody to get on, imagine how he will react when she’s 13 and begins to voice her own opinion of his behaviour.

I was well into my twenties before I addressed some of the issues from my childhood with a counsellor, and it was only very recently that I could confidently say that I’m not suffering with ongoing anxiety because of it.

My mum now admits that she only stayed with my father because she wasn’t confident that she could support us all financially as a LP. I always tell her that I’d have been happier in a flat on a council estate than in the beautiful 6 bedroom home where I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells and bracing myself for his next tantrum.

Please consider whether this is a one off or a repeated pattern of behaviour.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/12/2018 09:10

There isn't much point in your daughter having treatment for her mental health when the root cause isn't being treated.

SleepVampireVictim · 30/12/2018 09:14

he's a fantastic dad

Genuinely perplexed at how so many women post threads about cruel, abusive men and follow it up with this line.

These women also tend to blame their poor kids for keeping them in this situation

my kids would be distraught if we weren't together

A man who chooses to behave like this at any time, let alone in these circs, is in no way a fantastic Dad, ever.

Your poor kids...

^
This.

He isn't going to change. You need to act now for your kids sake and get them away from this abusive man.

Karmin · 30/12/2018 09:14

I am reading your post and it gives me chills.

Your daughter's mental health issues, given what you have posted, are likely to be being caused by her dad.

You are not helping by focusing on the apology.

You say this is not the first time, so she, and you, are being continually abused.

I am not going to insult him, but I dearly want to.

He will NOT change

Only YOU can change how things are.

Ask yourself this: Is he more important than your daughter's life?

Because your daughter is 8 and has already been hugely impacted by him, to the point of mental health issues. What's to say she won't take it further, so torn inside??

For you and your daughters wellbeing you have to find a way to leave for your own safety. Do NOT tell him your plans. He sounds dangerous and volatile.

You need to leave, contact women's aid, get yourself on the freedom project and stand up for your daughter's life.

You are teaching her that this is what she should expect from a relationship. That this is how she should be treated by a man.

MoreCheeseDear · 30/12/2018 09:16

Connect the dots. This man is damaging your child. Get him out.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 30/12/2018 09:16

He’s a horrible man and a terrible father to have upset your DD in this way on her birthday. You and your DC are being emotionally abused. As pp have said, he is causing your child’s anxiety issues. Now that you know this, what are you going to do about it?

It sounds like your mother and brother have the measure of your DH and would be supportive if you left him. I’d hate to see one of my DCs being treated so badly and would (secretly) be delighted if the relationship ended.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 30/12/2018 09:17

You could have been writing this about my dad - as an adult I suffer from anxiety and after years of therapy I've come to the realisation that he's the cause.

My mum spent my childhood trying not to enrage him, brushing over it and acting normal while he was kicking off. All that did was enable him. She now regrets not giving him an ultimatum - sort it out or get out.

If you really want to protect your daughter this is the only option. Growing up with a man like this in the house will teach her that it's fine for them to act like this and women around them just deal with it - she may end up in an abusive relationship like I did.

pasanda · 30/12/2018 09:18

Apart from his constant threats of leaving, is there another reason why your dd's anxiety stems from fear of abandonment/dying OP?

Has she been bereaved in the past?

OlennasWimple · 30/12/2018 09:19

He's not a fantastic father, he's an abusive father.

Get him to leave permanently, for the sake of your children if nto yourself

Karmin · 30/12/2018 09:20

my kids would be distraught if we weren't together - No, they wouldn't have to put up with being psychologically abused. Do NOT use your kids as an excuse to stay with him. You are the adult and have a choice to let them continue to be exposed to this creature. If you can't leave for yourself or them then Social Care should step in, and look at legal action.

glueandstick · 30/12/2018 09:20

How can you not see that he’s the problem?!

None of what you’ve written are the hallmarks of a ‘fantastic dad’ Your daughter clearly has a mental health condition AT EIGHT caused by it.

Wake up. Get out. For her sake as well as yours.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2018 09:20

Get rid of him before your daughter's mental health deteriorates to a point she won't recover. Your mental health and that of other DC is also at risk from having this abusive prick in the house. CAHMs, SS and Women's Aid will all be able to back you up on forcing him out and severly limiting his contact with DC.

Your mum clearly sees through this shitbag and will support you, too.

Don't waste time or money on 'family therapy' - therapy involving an abuser does not work, it just gives the abuser additional tools.

DaysLikeThis1 · 30/12/2018 09:20

Sorry OP, but I just knew when reading this that at some point you would say he is a ‘fantastic dad’. As others have said he really, really isn’t. He is an abusive arsehole and probably the cause of your daughter’s mental health problems. You need to act decisively. Don’t kid yourself that you are acting in your dd’s best interest by allowing this to continue.

glueandstick · 30/12/2018 09:21

The kids would be distraught?

The fact your daughter is under a mental health team for anxiety AT EIGHT YEARS OLD (yes highlighting this again) suggests that they really would be.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 30/12/2018 09:23

Your main issue with this is that the apology was not good enough?!

Your issue is your dh and his sticking bullying attitude and how this is causing your daughters mental illness. He needs to leave for her sake. Pack up his shit and send him off.

Original poster
Mamapuddlefluff · 30/12/2018 09:23

I can completely see the link, but i don't know how to make this better.
I've just now tried talking to him and he's so angry. I've asked him to have a serious think about the impact he's having. He started screaming in my face that I'm not perfect and said he'd had enough of me blaming him for our daughters problems.
He won't leave. He uses it for effect. He just said he may aswell go so i said ok, and he screamed at me that i can't tell him what to do.
I don't know why or how I've let the situation get this bad.

OP posts:
sollyfromsurrey · 30/12/2018 09:24

You can spend the rest of your dds childhood getting help for her mental health or you can get away from the toxic man you are with. Your choice.

Karmin · 30/12/2018 09:27

I've just now tried talking to him and he's so angry. I've asked him to have a serious think about the impact he's having. He started screaming in my face that I'm not perfect and said he'd had enough of me blaming him for our daughters problems

Please, re-read that as if your daughter had said it to you about her partner.

He will never take responsibility
He will never change his behaviour.
He will become more dangerous.

You need to call women's aid and leave, or pack a bag with ID and go to your mums or your brothers.

You can only make it better by getting him out of your life. Your relationship is damaging your children.

StoppinBy · 30/12/2018 09:28

Oh, my heart just broke for your daughter, she is not much older than my daughter and I couldn't help but picture how she would be if her Dad did this to her.

He is being a complete and utter A Hole and I assume also does similar things to your other children. Is the treatment she receives family orientated? If not it needs to be, clearly her home life could be having a large impact on her.

NO amount of 'making up for his actions' by you is going to be enough and no amount of apologies from is going to fix things if he continues to act just the same.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2018 09:28

He is clearly one of rhe causes of your child's mental health issues. He's ruined her birthday, purposefully left knowing it was one of her triggers and is now screaming in your face and I assume the kids can hear.

You need to end it and protect them. This is going to have an impact for the rest of their lives.

CalmConfident · 30/12/2018 09:29

You do not make it better, you leave.

Call your mum, ask her for help, go with your dd and stay with her

UnsungHero · 30/12/2018 09:30

You know the solution op

But you won't do that.

DaysLikeThis1 · 30/12/2018 09:30

Can you take the children and go to your mum’s? She knows. See a solicitor ASAP. But whatever it takes you and your children need to get somewhere away from him where, hopefully, you can all have a calm, safe space to heal.

glueandstick · 30/12/2018 09:32

Pack your bags and go to your mother. You can fix this- by leaving.

If this isn’t enough to make you leave then what is? You’ve got a young daughter who has been made so unwell by this that she’s under medical help- they don’t give our CAMHS support like sweets. It’s serious and you’ll be failing her if you don’t do something.