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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more than a mumbled apology?

293 replies

Mamapuddlefluff · 30/12/2018 08:34

This is my first post, but I've been here for a long time. This may be rather long.

Yesterday was my daughters 8th birthday. She has been treated under CAMHS for the past year and a bit for anxiety and panic disirders and was discharged just before Christmas, which she is very proud of - it's been a tough year. Her birthday is the only thing she has looked forward to or been excited about in a very long time.

So all going well yesterday we take her out for lunch upon her request; me, my oh, ds and other dd plus my mum. Having a lovely time until my brother drops by as he's lost his key so wants to borrow my mums and drop it back. No problem. He comes back ans makes a snarky remark to my mum and is told to hold his whisht and carry on. My oh, however started a full blown argument in the restaurant with him. They do not get on, never have but there's no real reason except a clash of personality. My daughter starts crying as its her birthday and i tell my oh to stop as he's upsetting the kids.

My brother leaves and my oh is clearly fuming. The manager comes and asks is everything ok as my daughter is now v upset. I tell my oh calmly that whatever his issue is, now is not the time as its our girls birthday just calm down. I'm very quickly given a mouthful and told she is full of attitude she needs telling off not him - meaning our daughter who only told him to stop nothing else. He declares he may aswell go as he's clearly causing a problem.

We all leave and walk home, less than 10 minute walk. On this walk our daughter begs and pleads with her dad to not go anywhere, that she is sorry and she will do anything to resolve the argument. He gives her the front door keys and says I'll be back when I'm back. She literally crumples and is in bits as her main trigger for her anxiety is people leaving/dying. I tell him enough is enough and to stop can he not see what he's doing to her. I'm swiftly told to shut up and she wouldn't be like that but for me anyway and that i can take the kids and f**k off. He stalks off and thats that.

I talk the kids home and try my best to calm our daughter down and reassure her. My mum is aghast but busies herself helping with my other two kids. My oh turns up an hour or so later and goes to bed for a bit. I try to keep things as normal as possible for my daughter so play jigsaws with her until my oh comes down and demands i stop as he wanted to do it with her. My daughter tells him she wanted me to do it but he can help later. He gets all ragey and says that we're excluding him, but we weren't i just wanted my girl to have something to do to occupy her mind and give her something else to focus on. He then sits in a strop for the evening.

The evening carries on we have some party food. We have birthday cake and my mum gets ready to leave and he gives a general applogy for the way he acted. My mum tells him it should be more than that really and she leaves. My oh tells me my mum has no right in saying this its his house etc. He apologises to our daughter and the kids go to bed. He literally mumbles a sorry to me and goes to bed himself.

This isn't the first time he's acted like this. I think he owes us more than a mumbled sorry but more than that he needs to address his temper i think. Or AIBU?

If you've gotten to the end thankyou for reading. Xx

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 30/12/2018 09:32

How will you look your daughter in the eye when she becomes an adult with severe mental health issues?

Kleinzeit · 30/12/2018 09:34

He declares he may aswell go as he's clearly causing a problem.

And he is right.

We all leave and walk home,

You should not all have had to leave. If this was just a simple temper outburst then he would have gone, alone, to calm himself down. But this is something a lot nastier and more controlling than that. If you had agreed that he should go, would he have changed his mind about leaving and continued to abuse you and DD in the restaurant? Or would he have left and then behaved even worse after you and the children came home, when your mother wasn't there to see?

her main trigger for her anxiety is people leaving/dying.

Yes well, we can see why. He's playing on her fears, and yours. His irrational behaviour probably triggered her anxiety in the first place. He is tormenting you all.

OP this is abuse, he is abusing you and your DD. Are you getting any professional help yourself? Have you talked to Women's Aid? Because you really do need to protect yourself and your children from him.

MrsSarahSiddons · 30/12/2018 09:34

take charge. YOU leave HIM. and take the kids.

LettuceP · 30/12/2018 09:35

Open your eyes! Please leave this man for the sake of your children. I'm gobsmacked by your OP, his behaviour is beyond awful. Your poor DD Sad

SylvanianFrenemies · 30/12/2018 09:35

The fact that he's not like this all the time doesn't make him a fantastic Dad. No one is awful 100% of the time. He's forcing your daughter to keep her emotions on shifting sands. There's no way she can be confident and relaxed when the threat of this is always there.

Rip off the plaster. Let her experience the split, help her survive it, help her and your DS know what security is.

Women's Aid could give you advice on leaving. He doesn't have to hit to be abusive. I'm sure your Mum would help too if she can?

If you let this just blow over it is not fair in your kids. It will affect them. It won't just disappear. Your daughter is already learning how to manage and placate a volatile man - it us clear from your description. Consider what sort of relationships that is setting her up for. She's 8. She and your DS, and you, deserve more.

Topseyt · 30/12/2018 09:35

Your relationship with this arsehole is making your 8 year old DD ill. You need to get rid of him. Use your Mum for help. Call Women's Aid too.

She is ill with anxiety at a very young age.

Every time you post about him he is sounding worse. I would be willing to bet there is even more to it than you have written here.

GirlFliesHome · 30/12/2018 09:36

Freedom Programme.

Look it up. Do it.Please.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You are in a horrifically abusive relationship and you can't seeit because you are in the middle of it.

You have a responsibility to yourself, your children who are witnessing this diabolical situation and your mother who loves you to get an handle on what it you are facing.

Missingstreetlife · 30/12/2018 09:37

Outrageous to carry it on like this. It's one thing to have a strop but quite another to terrorise everyone. You need to get some legal advice on how to get him out, or leave yourself. Why cams don't refer this to child protection is an indictment on how emotional abuse is seen, but it is v serious

BookwormMe · 30/12/2018 09:37

On this walk our daughter begs and pleads with her dad to not go anywhere, that she is sorry and she will do anything to resolve the argument.

This is heartbreaking to read. Your poor DD has become conditioned to think that she must absolve for your husband's appalling behaviour. No wonder she has mental health issues.

My dad was like this and I've experienced a lifetime of anxiety since. I wish my mum had done something about it when I was a kid. Please don't let your daughter down by staying with this pathetic excuse for a father.

StoppinBy · 30/12/2018 09:37

Just read your updates, I think at this point I would be actually taking my kids and leaving the home, he sounds like a total dirt bag.

If anyone else treated either you or your children this way, would you tolerate it? Just because he is their father/your husband, that does not give him any right to treat you that way!!

BookwormMe · 30/12/2018 09:38

Oh, and my dad wasn't like it 100% of the time either. But the low percentage that he was still did a right number on me, my mum and my sister.

Huggybear16 · 30/12/2018 09:38

I can completely see the link, but i don't know how to make this better

Yes you can. Break the link.

LovingLola · 30/12/2018 09:38

If he was beating your daughter what would your reaction be?

Original poster
Mamapuddlefluff · 30/12/2018 09:39

Thankyou everyone for making my eyes open to what i knew deep down.
I'm packing now.
I can't let my kids live like this anymore.
He won't leave so we are.

OP posts:
BookwormMe · 30/12/2018 09:40

That's a great update, OP. However hard this is for you, because he's your husband, you are being a fantastic mother right now and, trust me, your children will thank you for it one day.

CottonSock · 30/12/2018 09:41

Was he drunk? Your poor family

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 30/12/2018 09:41

You mention that your DBro and OH don't get on?

What is your DBro seeing? Sometimes someone outside of the situation can see things more clearly (because you re not Sad )

I think a level headed talk with your brother might open your eyes a bit ?

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 30/12/2018 09:41

I'm glad to rad you're doing. My father was like this when I was young. Everything was mine or my sisters fault and I spent years being a peace keeper. It still impacts me now. You're definitely doing the best thing for them.

Topseyt · 30/12/2018 09:42

I will wish you all the best. Stay strong. Think of your children.

Dothehappydance · 30/12/2018 09:43

You are doing the right thing for you and your dc. As they say the only way is up.

Take care from here though, he will either up it or turn on the charm. It sounds like your Mum and brother will have your backs though.

DoJo · 30/12/2018 09:43

At his best he's a fantastic dad and my kids would be distraught if we weren't together but it's doing them no favours like this.

But at his worst he is causing/exacerbating your daughter's crippling mental health problems. Leaving would be hard to start with, but it would become the new normal. This is a death by a thousand cuts and none of you will come out of it unscathed.

GroovieGazelloo · 30/12/2018 09:44

It sounds like you're drawing the line now op. Do take good care.Thinking about you and your kids.

Heatherjayne1972 · 30/12/2018 09:45

Blimey. Dump this man and watch your daughters mh improve hugely

HRTpatch · 30/12/2018 09:45

Reading this with horror. Please listen to posters. You are damaging your child..and children...by staying with him.

MeganBacon · 30/12/2018 09:45

You are right that a mumbled apology is not enough. He needs to recognise and correct his behaviours that contribute to your dd's mental health issues. It sounds like you are doing a good job and the very best you can, but you should not want to keep this man at the expense of dc's wellbeing. He either takes a long hard look at himself and acknowledges his part in her issues and undertakes to correct them, or you have to get rid.

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