NYE - what are we doing wrong??

[SnapMeOutOfIt]

I'm sure I'm just feeling sorry for myself but please be kind. NC'd for this.
We've had the crappiest year - big stuff. Loss of my DM (we were close), near loss of DF which will happen soon, redundancy with associated financial worries, and a few other lesser things. Have another job now so financial worries no longer an issue.
We're quite social and try to make an effort with other families as our DC (age 12 and 10) don't have cousins. This year we hosted two big events (and a few small BBQs) - one for a big birthday which was a weekend away for 55 including children. So much fun that everyone has asked me to organise again for 2019 with everyone chipping in this time (I paid the first time). The other was a garden party at ours. Since September we haven't been able to host anything as our house has been a building site due to major works which are almost but not quite finished (only two families offered us a meal in the 10 weeks we had no kitchen but that's another moan).
We love new year and have always tried to do something. We saw one family three years running but then they dropped us. Don't know why. We tried to organise something but got brushed off. No falling out - they were at both events we organised this year and were one of the families that cooked us a meal when we were kitchen-less). The last two years not seen them at NY. Two years ago invited another family round (in fact by 3.30am we really wished they'd leave!) but they dropped us soon after (by dropped I mean started walking past us in street and not acknowledging us but they're a funny pair so I don't read too much into that).
Invited a few families to pop round last NY but all said they had plans (this was true, I know). A relative of mine always holds a big NY party and have been invited once or twice but not this year - again I'm trying not to read anything into it - we were invited to another party they had this year.
So this year, for the second year running, we have nothing to do. But we wanted to have a social night with friends and their children, but it feels like no one wants to do new year with us although they do all spend it with other families.
I think we'll get a takeaway and watch tv. This is what we did last year. Going to a pub full of strangers doesn't appeal.
I know it's just one night - I just feel disappointed. I wanted to mark the end of a rubbish year - I know 2019 won't be better, the one thing I do know is I'll lose DF. I know some aren't bothered and want to stay in, but for NY we wanted to be with friends. But they're all doing stuff that doesn't include us.
Reading this back it feels childish and U. I'm not miserable - everyone comments that I'm still smiling after everything.
I suppose the AIBU is WIBU to just give up on NY for future years. Not in a huffy way, I just feel so low how the last two new years have turned out. I know lots of people are at home alone and so will we be, despite not wanting to be and despite best efforts to build a social life.
Are we doing something wrong?

I think some people have a fixed group of friends they always do stuff with and other people (like me) are more floaters. I've had parties, I've had years when it's just the family and other years when we've been invited out.
If you're feeling a bit thin skinned (and understandably so) then enjoy the company of your nearest and dearest and stay off SM for a few days. Have a good one!

I would be more irritated with yh3 general lack of reciprocity after your hosting. We know a couple who never ever invite anyone to theirs and it can be very annoying but we think they are self conscious about their house for some reason and always turn up for events laden with treats and drinks to compensate. But it does get tiring.

Dd has a friend whose mum is lovely and always up for things but just never thinks to invite us over. It's so frustrating as the one or two times we have gone over it's usually because we are out and about and she then suggests coming back for tea. But dd is desperate for a play Date and I don't feel we can invite ourselves over (even though, ironically, I don't think my friend would mind).

My point is that a lot of people are terrible about inviting people.back. and if you are the host a lot of the time they may not even occur to them to suggest you come to theirs. Which would annoy the hell out of me but I don't know what to suggest.

This is really difficult to guess at. Some people really don't want to make a fuss at NY and find the whole thing terribly overrated. I am one of those people and unless we go to close friends for a small dinner party we tend to lie low and hope no-one asks us to do anything. Big parties are really not my thing and DH just hates NYE full stop. We've been known to pretend we are busy elsewhere just so we can stay home and be in bed by 10.

Other people will be doing something, but prefer to host a small group rather than a large party, so perhaps they've just stuck to one or two other couples and they don't wish to expand it - perhaps because they don't feel the mix of people will gel well.

Some people are really organised and get their night booked up months in advance. If people have already agreed to go elsewhere that can't really be helped.

Some people hate hosting, or are just incredibly lazy about taking a turn. They are happy to come to something you host, but it never occurs to them to host something themselves if you are not forthcoming.

You say you paid for 55 people to have a weekend away. I'm assuming you are pretty well off to be able to do this, and that might be intimidating others into offering to host you. Or maybe you want to do something which is out of the budget of most of your friends.

You say a few people have inexplicably dropped you. Perhaps you are just a bit too sociable and full-on for them? Maybe they were starting to feel that you were monopolising them a bit?

It's hard to know without knowing you, what the reasons could be.

sorry I meant it might be too intimidating for some people to offer to host you. They may feel if you are very generous and well off that they can't possibly compete.

Could you do something nice for NYE? The hotel near us does a really nice dinner and dance with fireworks. We've been a few times when we haven't had other plans. It's lovely.

Is everyone assuming you're hosting and they haven't been invited? Could explain why they've not invited you if they think you're having your own party.

NYE is an odd one though isn't it? Talked about more than celebrated. Getting anywhere is a ball ache and celebrating anywhere other than in peoples' homes is terribly expensive (and a bit unpleasant). Are there actually NYE parties you are not being invited to or are people not really bothering to have large gatherings?

Sorry, didn't mean to sound grand. We're quite average. The 55 people event was an exclusive hired campsite with facilities and I hired a band, hog roast, etc. It was our biggest splurge and a one off. The other things we host are usually one big thing (20-30) in our garden for bbq, and a few other small things when we have one or two other families. I'm careful not to over invite people as worry about seeming too keen.
I think as a PP said people have groups for specific events and we just don't fall into one.
I like the garden idea with hot choc - except ours is a building site and currently has a collapsed area due to relaying of pipes Will definitely make the best of it by ourselves. Not brave enough to ask to tag along as had a few knock backs before and am bit fragile at mo.
Thank you everyone - I've read everything and really appreciate the perspectives. Feel less alone.

You took 55 people away for the weekend!!! Wow - that was very, very generous. Could it be that people felt uncomfortable? It seems odd that so few of them reciprocated by helping you out when you had building work done.

You have also been dropped by a few folk - maybe have a think through why this could be. Are you maybe too intense - expect too close a friendship without letting it grow organically?

Although I would say lots of people don’t have nye plans - it’s a hassle to organise and a night mare to get taxis etc. Buy a bottle of bubbly and the m&s New Years meal and have a low key night.

Sorry cross post

It might not be anything you are doing and things like this do happen depending on how your friendship groups work out. We have done a variety of things on NYE but not parties for the last few years. We did when the kids were older but going out in the cold and wet is not my thing and clearing up if you have a party at yours is a pain and expensive just after Xmas. This year we are going round to our DDs and her husband as they have young children. Just a few games and probably home at 10.30 as they have a baby.

Maybe your friends assume you are doing something else or just want a quiet one or have been invited elsewhere. If you organised a big event this year and have suffered a bereavement maybe they think you want a quiet one. The thing is though if you do all these parties with the idea they will be reciprocated you may be disappointed. Some people have no scruples about accepting hospitality and then not returning it. If you invite them over to yours do it because you want to see them not because you think they epwill return the favour. Some are just thoughtless. Get better friends.

FwIW you and your family sound lovely and generous.

I have friends like you, and have not invited them to ours for a while as the DH is nice but gets very drunk and does not go home (by 3am I quietly despair ) so pretty much never invite them over

Also, my DH can be anti-social and does not like my friends DHs that much

I am always amazed we still get invited places, I mainly socialise with my own group of female friends, without the DHs....

Anyway, just some reasons

I would love a NYE party, but DH won't have people over for it (grumpy and tired) and I have not been invited anywhere...

... so it'll just be us. Youngest DS will probably take himself off to a party though... oh well, I still have the dog to talk to

Will silently raise my glass to you OP. Hope 2019 will be a better year for you

Another reason why people might not want to reciprocate at NYE is getting rid of people. Personally I struggle to make midnight now and found when I went to parties they went on for far to long for me and I was probably the first to leave which can be awkward when the host wants to keep going. Much worse when it's your own home and you can't exactly kick people out when you want to crawl into bed.

I think you might be surprised how many people actually want a quiet night in or a very low key event but feel pressured into the NYE celebration thing.

I’ve read somewhere that socialising as an adult with a family is a bit like dating; lots of trials before you find your match. I’m a bit like you, kids are tween/teen so we’re no longer exhausted, we just bought a big house, but don’t really have “our people” to invite over.

So right now we’re in the hit-and-miss stage, where we have people over occasionally and see if we click.

Don’t give up, OP. I’m sure there is a lovely family out there who would love to spend time with you on NYE

That's so true Bats I am exactly the same and it's one of the reasons I don't really enjoy NYE in particular.

Aw I feel for you. Bet your friends don’t realise how you are feeling. Let your best friend know If you are able. It’s just one more night to me but I know some people like to celebrate.

I'm anti-social. Looking forward to buffet style dinner, board games and a movie with dh and dc's - bliss

I'm generally sociable but by NYE I'm so knackered from Christmas I just can't be arsed. My heart sinks slightly when I get an invite because I really want to be in bed by midnight.

I think many people feel like this. Plus the faff of finding babysitters and paying extra.

I think NYE is really for teenagers.

Maybe see if there's anything nice on for New Year's Day you could go to? We go to Longleat where there's fireworks, safari and Festival of Light and just nice to celebrate the start of year. NYE events likely to be booked up now and most don't do children, wouldn't fancy pub either.

Most people I know have quiet NYE. We tend to go to a party, stay in a cottage for a week over Xmas / NY, that sort of thing. I think you should continue to celebrate it but try to be less placing your happiness on other people coming - do things were you can still do it if they come or not. You can have plenty of fun with your kids and husband.

Though do think its a bit rubbish people haven't invited you back assuming they are inviting others.

We do lots of socialising with friends throughout the year, and even on Christmas Eve, but never for New Year, not sure why. This year we're hosting a family party but usually it's the five of us + party food + TV - although we do always go to the Panto on NYE in the late afternoon to kick off celebrations, oh yes we do! But none of our friends have ever invited us; but I haven't taken that to heart, maybe they think you're doing your own thing?

There will probably be a NYE party thread for people alone on the evening, have a look out for it OP.
Sorry about your shit year.

I was always having gatherings and would invite the same people. It then struck me that we were rarely invited back. I think some people just don’t like hosting.

Maybe people think you won't be up for partying after the year you've suffered? Could you spend the evening with your DF?

Sorry about the loss of your DM. It sucks, bigtime, I know x

I hate nye, happy to socialise and host at other times but nye always seems forced. Maybe I’m not the only one to feel this.