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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New baby and DH jealous.

61 replies

GripeyG · 29/12/2018 15:44

At my wits end.

DH is a lovely Dad. He adores our 10 week old, but gets fed up daily when he cries when I pass him over. I don't know what to do. I want him to be with DH lots so they can bond, but every time he screams his head off. He's so attached to me. It's draining but he's too tiny to leave to cry. When he screams my whole body tells me to take him back, but I feel like if I do I'm making DH feel bad.

He thinks his son hates him. Won't listen when I tell him he doesn't technically love either of us as everything is instinctual at the moment.

I'm knackered as he won't be away from me without screaming, DH is disheartened and I am starting to think he needs to get a grip and realise there's nothing I can do about it.

Why do I feel guilty about it? AIBU to feel stressed out by this? I'm a hormonal mess so don't know what's normal anymore.

OP posts:

GummyGoddess · 29/12/2018 15:46

Get him to read up on attachment theory? Babies are programmed to latch onto a primary carer, in some babies that instinct is stronger and they only want that carer.

When he is older and capable of forming another attachment it will be your DH he wants to be with.

PositiveVibez · 29/12/2018 15:47

I agree with you. He does need to get a grip and realise how ridiculous he sounds saying a 10 week old baby hates him. He sounds like a big baby himself.

I know it's hard, but would you be able to pop out for a bit and leave him in sole charge?

Bambamber · 29/12/2018 15:48

My husband felt exactly the same as my daughter always cried when I handed her over too. Your baby just wants his mummy, he has been inside you for 9 months, you're all he knows for now.

It does get better with time. He used to sit next to me while I fed my daughter and do nappy changes and hold her while she slept. Over time she got used to him and they built a bond. As time went on she would be happy to spend more time with him, but I never forced it as I didn't want her to associate him with negative feelings. It worked well for us

Eilaianne · 29/12/2018 15:51

Op, you don't have the energy or capacity right now to take care of a newborn and sooth/manage your Dh's feelings about rejection.

He needs to knuckle down, put baby's needs first (tell him to read about bonding with newborns, advice for dads), and get over himself.

You don't have time, and should not be expected to, Molly coddle a grown mans feelings to such an extent - you're doing everything you can, tell him to grow up and think of his DC and wife now FFS.

Fatasfook · 29/12/2018 15:53

Baby is probably sensing his ridiculousness and hostility. He sounds a bit of an idiot tbh

user139328237 · 29/12/2018 15:58

Next time there's a thread where a new mother has all the signs of post natal depression I'll make sure to post that her husband hasn't got time to cope with her feelings on top of his child responsibilities and work as that's clearly what you all think...

Handsfull13 · 29/12/2018 15:59

Bonding is difficult when you aren't sure what your doing. I had it as a new mum.
Sometimes it's easier to work it out alone. Could you pop to the shop or something short so you're only gone 10mins but that gives him enough time to start finding his own way to comfort the baby.

Also could you wear his jumper for a while to leave your smell on it then he can wear it while comforting the baby. Your smell might help while he is still finding his way.

Doghorsechicken · 29/12/2018 16:02

I’d pop out for an hour and leave them to it. Let them have some alone time to bond without you interfering.

adaline · 29/12/2018 16:02

He does need to get a grip and realise how ridiculous he sounds saying a 10 week old baby hates him. He sounds like a big baby himself.

That's a bit harsh. He's a first time dad and it can't be very nice to see your wife being able to calm your child instantly whereas with you, they scream and scream.

If mums can find having a newborn stressful and overwhelming, why can't men? I've read loads of threads on here where mums are upset because their baby won't settle for them and all they get is sympathy! Why is a man told to get a grip because he sounds ridiculous?

hoki · 29/12/2018 16:04

My DH was the same. It used to physically hurt me when he wouldn't give me back my crying babies. He was adamant they didn't need me over him but they did. It caused so many arguments. I wish I had been stronger and not tried to appease him. I wish I hadn't had that extra stress of him being such hard work. Really your DH's role is to support you in whatever way he can and in time him and the baby will "bond". It pretty much works the way Mother Nature meant it to.

diddl · 29/12/2018 16:09

How hard is he trying to settle his baby?

It's not an excuse to do nothing is it?

Original poster

GripeyG · 29/12/2018 16:14

He hasn't got PND. Where are all these signs of PND I've listed?

I have PNA.

He's also not a first time dad.

I have sympathy for him. I'm sure lots of people do. Most mums however don't sulk because their baby cries. At the end of the day there's nothing I can do that I'm not already. I'm still recovering and am struggling with PNA, breastfeeding, a prolapse, self esteem issues, exhaustion (we sleep in separate rooms so DH can sleep as he's up early), and I just can't deal with DH going off in a huff.

I will happily sit down and talk about it but I'm just exhausted by it all...

OP posts:

rubyroot · 29/12/2018 16:33

Never had this myself. In fact my bloke was very good at rocking and settling baby. I think you need to give your husband a chance to learn how to settle him. Maybe he's just not doing it right, more than he only will be settled by you. I don't think newborns are usually that fussy- stranger anxiety doesn't kick in until 6 months at the earliest.

Missingstreetlife · 29/12/2018 16:37

So sorry but parents thinking the baby hates them is a bit of a red flag, it's past thinking the baby is naughty, also ridiculous. Tell him if he can't be helpful fuck off.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/12/2018 16:43

To have post natal depression you must have recently given birth. I would hope that person is getting cared for, yes. This manbaby has not given birth. He's just feeling resentful that his newborn baby needs his mother. And she has tried to manage his feelings, but he won't accept reason and logic - though perhaps thinks a 10 week old should be able to? He needs to grow up.

user139328237 · 29/12/2018 16:44

Yes, because telling a person who feels bad because they seem to be struggling to settle the baby while their spouse seems to be adapting naturally to either figure it out without help (while not actually giving them the opportunity by insisting the baby is handed over as soon as it cries) or fuck off is a totally reasonable position to have.
Men can never win on here, either they let the mother do all of the care and are called lazy or they try and help and they are called interfering.

user139328237 · 29/12/2018 16:48

@brenda
The science suggests 1 in 10 men can get depression after the birth of their baby. While feminists may want to insist it is not post natal depression the exact wording is not really the issue as 'normal' (not the right word) depression can be just as difficult to cope with as post natal depression.

WisdomOfCrowds · 29/12/2018 16:53

My son was the same way, probably until he was about 18 months. Then he decided that dp was the book reader, and everytime he sae him he would toddle over with an armful of books and sit in his lap. It was such a lovely thing for them to share. Now at 2 dp is the one he calls out for when he wakes in the night. I will admit I've had a fair bit of jealousy myself over that! Basically, your dp needs to realise that nothing about having a child is static and its going to change so often. He needs to be patient, and not take it personally. Easier said than done though!

Original poster

GripeyG · 29/12/2018 16:54

@user139328237 I don't tell him to pass him over straight away. I sit there and watch him get frustrated and angry. If I try to help him I'll get told I'm not letting him do it himself, but if I don't say anything DS will scream for 20 minutes until he's handed to me.

I certainly wouldn't tell him to fuck off.

What do you suggest I do? I've tried helping in every way possible. Should I give up breast feeding so DH can feed him? Shall I start sleeping in our bedroom again so DH much to his disappointment will have to get up at night and do a nappy change?

I don't think he's interfering but it gets to a point where you do what's best fo baby. And when baby has been screaming inconsolably for 20 minutes and I know he'll stop when I pick him up, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Men will never understand that hormonal, instinctual feeling women have towards their children. That's a fact. Picking up my child when he is screaming knowing that he will settle with me (after a prolonged period of crying already) is hardly a nasty thing to do.

OP posts:

rubyroot · 29/12/2018 17:01

"Men will never understand that hormonal, instinctual feeling women have towards their children. That's a fact. Picking up my child when he is screaming knowing that he will settle with me (after a prolonged period of crying already) is hardly a nasty thing to do."

I'm not sure about this statement- perhaps 'your man' doesn't. But I think the majority of men have instinctual feelings towards their children- they want to nurture, protect and provide for them just as women do. It sounds like there are issues with your husband if baby won't settle after twenty mins, but I don't think this means all men are incapable of settling babies. It sounds like he is frustrated and stressed and that the baby is tuning into this. Is there any way of speaking to him about how to handle/comfort baby when he is calm and receptive?

BrendasUmbrella · 29/12/2018 17:02

"The science suggests" is a meaningless phrase,you can apply it to anything.

Post natal depression comes about because of the massive hormonal changes that take place in a body that has grown and delivered a human being. No physical or hormonal changes take place in the father's body.

They may be unhappy that their home environment has just changed and they are getting less sleep and having to adjust, but it's nothing compared to post natal depression or even baby blues. Being unhappy about something is not depression. Otherwise I could say I'm depressed at all the stories I read about new and recovering mothers having to baby the men who should be taking care of them.

user139328237 · 29/12/2018 17:03

@op
My posts were more aimed at some of the advice (much of which have tried to exaggerate the situation to make him sound worse) rather than the OP

Vampiratequeen · 29/12/2018 17:03

It does sound to me like he may have PND. I remember having it with my DD and there were times that she would cry for me and yet my DH would calm her straight away, it was soul destroying. No amount of logic helps.

Anotheronebitesthefluff · 29/12/2018 17:04

My daughter was the same, I still took her if she needed me and her Dad took her whenever he could. She loves her Daddy now and started going to him when he came home from work as soon as she could crawl. It'll pass if he is patient and loving, and doesn't take it personally because it's totally natural.

Original poster

GripeyG · 29/12/2018 17:05

@rubyroot I'm talking about the hormonal shift. The way it actually hurts when you hear your baby cry. The way your boobs start leaking and your nipples hurt when you hear your baby screaming. Men are of course instinctively protective and fiercely love their children, but it's not possible for DH to fully experience and understand the way I am connected to DS. I would never say any of this to him, but it is a reason why I can't sit and listen to him scream for 20 minutes when I know I can pick him up and he'll stop.

OP posts:

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