New baby and DH jealous.

[GripeyG]

At my wits end.

DH is a lovely Dad. He adores our 10 week old, but gets fed up daily when he cries when I pass him over. I don't know what to do. I want him to be with DH lots so they can bond, but every time he screams his head off. He's so attached to me. It's draining but he's too tiny to leave to cry. When he screams my whole body tells me to take him back, but I feel like if I do I'm making DH feel bad.

He thinks his son hates him. Won't listen when I tell him he doesn't technically love either of us as everything is instinctual at the moment.

I'm knackered as he won't be away from me without screaming, DH is disheartened and I am starting to think he needs to get a grip and realise there's nothing I can do about it.

Why do I feel guilty about it? AIBU to feel stressed out by this? I'm a hormonal mess so don't know what's normal anymore.

@Luxembourgmama see I'm just being completely honest but I think it's really sad that is a factor re deciding not to breastfeed. It's almost choosing what's best for your partner over what's best for your baby. I understand that this may not be the case for you though as you say it's only one of the reasons.

I agree with reading up on the fourth trimester together, might help him take it a bit less personally if he understands why it's happening. Also agree with doing things for DS together so DS gets used to DH and DH doesn't feel excluded.

You need to talk to each other too, calmly when DS is sleeping and there are no immediate stresses. I had a little bit of this with my DH when DD was tiny and we came to the conclusion that his best approach was to focus on supporting me rather than doing too much directly for DD, just for those first few weeks while we were finding our feet.

We'd pick times when she was settled for him to do the more hands on stuff, so he'd do nappy changes when she wasn't cranky and cuddles when she was sleepy and contented which worked much better than fighting her when she obviously wanted me. He kind of had to change his viewpoint though and see his role more as supporting me so I could look after DD in those very early days.

I think DD crying when he had her made him feel like a failure so it worked well for him to do the support role because that was something he could do well and he still felt involved.

My DD was EXACTLY the same. It was so hard. She is now 2 and worships the ground her daddy walks on. Now it's me feeling left out!
It does get easier, just re-adjust both of your expectations. It's not personal. It's the 4th trimester and it is over before you know it xx

@GripeyG it wasnt the only reason. I never really saw any benefit to breastfeeding other than purported population level benefits.
It's hard for Dads these days they're expected to muck in in a way they didn't generations ago but biology doesn't really favour it.

@Luxembourgmama it isn't heartbreaking for dads if the mother breastfeeds. It would only affect the relationship between father and baby if the father was already prone to jealousy and lack of interest. Dads can do everything else bar feeding - nappy changes, baths, wearing in a sling, skin to skin, cuddles, burping, taking out in the pram etc etc. Both mine were exclusively breastfed and have an excellent bond and relationship with their dad. They don't differentiate between us if they're ill or hurt or sad or whatever.

The simple answer here is DH to do all tasks and activities that HE CAN DO.

At the moment, the list of tasks does not include settling the baby.

There are plenty of other tasks on the list he needs to crack on with, have you told him outright you need his help?

In due course he will of course bond with baby and be able to settle etc. Just not now. It's still early days, he needs to understand babies develop in stages... and be patient and loving towards you.

If this were us I would start by making sure to let DH hold the baby when she is content for increasing periods and hopefully she will get used to his presence/smell a bit, then try and build it up. If you have a baby who hates bath time or bottles or whatever then don't go straight in with that or she will scream herself blue so it will just play on his insecurities.

Also I would make sure to discuss it with your DH when he is feeling normal and had some sleep because (again I am projecting from my own relationship) no good can come of trying to talk through this while your partner is tired and upset.

I realise some will interpret this as me suggesting you pander to your DH, but really I think there are also a lot of mums out there who feel upset and worry that their new born doesn't like them and doing a little bit to try and ease that feeling for your partner is kind and reasonable.

MumW I do this whenever I have a shower, or bath etc. I end up with a knock on the door and being told I need to get out as DS wants me, or DS ends up coming in the bath with me.
I remember your pain well.

Next time you want a shower (start small and build up to a soak in the bath) tell DH he's to take DS out of the house for at least 15 mins. Doesn't matter if DS is in a sling, the pram or in the car. For your sanity, you need those breaks. My MIL was fantastic, she'd take DD1 out in the pram and walk her for miles so that I could get some sleep. The crying is definitely easier to deal with outside. I also remember my DH pushing the pram around the estate at 3am one particularly bad night.

It will get easier but DH needs to try and cope with the crying long enough for you to at least shower.

Before your DH takes him, makes sure he is fed, nappy changed and all is good to go. Have your DH take his shirt off and do skin to skin. Babies love it. Put a shirt over baby that has your scent on it and you next to them.

Skin to skin is fantastic for both baby and dad. Hearing the heart beat directly next to your baby is good for bonding.

I know the pain of not being able to feed and having to transition. Our daughter was in the nicu and struggled to breastfeed. If it is any consolation, she struggled to give up feeding when it was time so it went well once she got the hang of it!

My DH couldn’t hold her for some of the time she was in the nicu as we had to limit holding her and prioritised trying to breastfeed. They have a lovely bond now so feeding certainly isn’t the be all and end all for bonding.

If you aren’t comfortable expressing and a bottle being offered, I’d think about other ways to involve him in feeds and parenting tasks. As PPs have suggested, wear his top for a while so it smells of you. He could then hold you as you feed the baby and then do the winding or immediate post feed snuggle.

I’d also talk to him about how fast things change. In the not too distant future, there will be more interaction as baby grows and then solids, etc. It goes far too fast! There will be something that will be his special thing with baby.

It gets easier for dads. Most tiny babies are most comfortable with mum because they know your smell/sounds. For the first three months or so you are likely to be their main source of comfort. Once baby gets more mobile and starts doing things like eating dads can play an active role more easily. My DD still makes it clear at 2 1/4 that she’d rather be with me given the choice (I did the majority of early care for several reasons), but she loves going to the playground with daddy, he does almost every bathtime etc. You build in routines where they get to spend time exclusively with that parent, but only when the baby is ready for it. Forcing it won’t help!
Can you both bond with baby at the same time? E.g. doing nappies/bath time together? He puts his arms around you and baby for a while before you transfer baby?