New baby and DH jealous.

[GripeyG]

At my wits end.

DH is a lovely Dad. He adores our 10 week old, but gets fed up daily when he cries when I pass him over. I don't know what to do. I want him to be with DH lots so they can bond, but every time he screams his head off. He's so attached to me. It's draining but he's too tiny to leave to cry. When he screams my whole body tells me to take him back, but I feel like if I do I'm making DH feel bad.

He thinks his son hates him. Won't listen when I tell him he doesn't technically love either of us as everything is instinctual at the moment.

I'm knackered as he won't be away from me without screaming, DH is disheartened and I am starting to think he needs to get a grip and realise there's nothing I can do about it.

Why do I feel guilty about it? AIBU to feel stressed out by this? I'm a hormonal mess so don't know what's normal anymore.

@Brenda
For fuck sake.
Having a child is a major event for both parents so I don't see why you are unable to accept that it could be the trigger for depression in the male partner. Of course no one can say whether it is the case for the OPs husband but to reject the premise that men can develop depression after the birth of a child is choosing to refuse to accept scientific evidence.

He probably should start getting up in the night and changing nappies some of the time, so that his child learns to associate him with the feeling of being helped and comforted.

There are a lot of books about how to care for and bond with tiny babies, including how to deal with crying without getting angry/frustrated all the time. So he could read one of those if he wanted. Not much you can do if he’s just stropping off in a sulk rather than try anything, though.

Agreed, 53rdway. He should take some of the shitty jobs like nappy changes as that's good bonding time, and just be patient.
If you are concerned that he might have PND, take him to the GP. Otherwise just encourage him to keep trying and that this is normal.

Men don't get post-natal depression ffs. They haven't given birth

OP I would read up on the 4th trimester with your partner. Some babies really take a bit of time to separate from their mother, especially when they're exclusively bf.

I would do things together - change him together, bath him together, dress him together, play with him together. He will eventually trust your husband as much as he does you.

Sorry @user139328237 - I thought you were referring to me.

My DH doesn't have depression. He is stressed though, which isn't great. And yes men can develop depression at any time in their life. Especially after a life changing event. It's not really the same as PND. Baby blues were shocking for me and was caused by hormones associated with having a baby. Men cannot experience this for the same reason, but I do agree that depression in men is equally as important.

What happens if you hand over DS and leave the room so that DS can't smell you?

I think that you both need to work at DS bonding with DH. I presume that DH is jiggling him and talking to him. Persevere, it's early days.

Do you have a sling? If so, maybe DH could talk DS for a walk around the block.

@Gripey, this was my DS to a tee. For the first four months or so, he wouldn’t settle for anyone but me. My DH was amazing - he tried loads of ways to calm him - but more often than not, it didn’t work. And he would stop crying the second he came back to me. Your DH just needs to go with it for a while - it will pass. But right now your baby needs and wants you. I would wholly ignore the posters who tell you otherwise. It’s a short phase and it will end - your baby is tiny, and wants the familiarity of you. That’s all. There are lots of resources online - and also just other dads who have been through exactly the same thing - that my DH found helpful and reassuring.

Have you any practical advice user139328237, or have you just come one here to shout at feminists and make this all about the poor men?

OP, I would say his frustration is born more out of hurt. If his other child wasn’t as distressed when being handled by him, then he’s probably feeling as if he’s being rejected by the baby. I know it’s a silly and immature reaction, but feelings aren’t always rational. Lots of posters have given you good advice so I hope some of it helps.

but it's not possible for DH to fully experience and understand the way I am connected to DS. I would never say any of this to him, but it is a reason why I can't sit and listen to him scream for 20 minutes when I know I can pick him up and he'll stop.

I'm not sure I agree, yes you have a different bond as you have grown him before he was born and are still growing him now. But I think any parent would not want to hear their baby crying for 20 mins. Like I say, I think this is a problem with your man, not men in general because they can't settle babies. They can, you need to sit down when your partner is calm and try and develop some strtegoes he can use, but the first is not being stressed or anxious as baby will pick up on this.

strategies!

Next time. Got you dh to drape a t shirt you have warn recently over him then lay the baby against it. See if that helps.

You don’t need to give up breastfeeding for your DH to be able to give a feed. You could express if you are comfortable with that so your DH can give the odd feed too.

My youngest was the exact same. My DH used to sit with us and cuddle us both so she felt safe with me but he could be involved too. He also used to be the one to get her when she cried and took care of all the nappy changes he was home for. He understood her need for me wasn’t personal but I know it still hurt him. Her needs came first for him and he dealt with it.

Then she switched to being a proper daddy’s girl for a little while. Now it is balanced and she is happy with either of us.

@Blondephantom our DS was born very small at 5lbs and wasn't strong enough to get any colostrum out. It took me 4 weeks to get him off bottles and on to breast feeding. It was awful and I nearly gave up. I don't think I want to take the risk of putting him back on a bottle as it took me so long to get him to forget them.

@MumW I do this whenever I have a shower, or bath etc. I end up with a knock on the door and being told I need to get out as DS wants me, or DS ends up coming in the bath with me.

It's exhausting for us all.

My children would only settle for me in the first few months, my dh didn't take it personally but would facilitate my doing most of the soothing by stepping up in other ways.

I couldn't listen to my baby cry for ages without wanting to help them OP. I think your DH should accept the situation for what it is, and realise it is not personal. I am sorry he is being like this. Things are hard enough with a new baby without adults being huffy about a newborn's preference for their mother.

He understood her need for me wasn’t personal but I know it still hurt him.

This. There was a period when my baby would settle for DH and not me. I tried not to take it personally but it was fucking heartbreaking when there's this tiny thing you love so so so much it hurts and you feel so useless and inadequate that they don't want you.

Your DH does need to put the baby first, of course. But he is absolutely allowed to feel awful about it, because it's truly horrendous and yes I did feel the the baby must hate me (luckily only a brief period, then the baby was settled by either of us).

We tried to be equal parents as much as possible from the start, so as I was doing all feeding DH did all nappy changes. We both held the baby in a sling round the house etc. Make sure they get plenty of non-crying time and the bond will improve. Try to be gentle with each other. It's emotionally tough having a baby!

I agree with the suggestion of getting DH to have something that smells of mummy in him when he has baby. And you need to both realise that there will be a lot of crying in the months ahead and you just need to persist a bit with this as it will get better.

As for all the business about men getting PND obviously they can't but I am very worried about women who think that male depression isn't as bad as baby blues. Need I remind people that suicide is the number one cause of death for men under 45 in the UK. Playing MH "top trumps" is crass and insensitive.

You cannot force attachment. In many cultures including uk 40 years ago, the baby was exclusively cared for by the mother, Maybe handed to dad when fed and contented. By passing him a baby who is fretful you are making him feel stressed and inadequate. Not a good way to bond. Bonding with a child can grow at any time. There is no window. Some dads are better when the baby is more interactive. Be patient and don't try to force it. If the boot was on the other foot you would struggle. It is never good to disempower someone male or female. There is huge pressure on Dads these days, to some, it doesn't come easy, as some mothers also struggle. It doesnt always have to be out of the textbook, find what works

I think some posters are being rather unkind to OP's DH. In the early days, my husband could often calm DD better than I could. I said many times that I thought she hated me. I didn't actually mean it, but I did feel rejected and stressed.

Then when DH went back to work, I got to had to spend all day figuring out how to stop her crying, and with my new knowledge became better at settling her. DH then felt a bit useless and rejected. At times I felt exhausted and fed up of being with her all day every day, but she'd scream when left with anyone else. She's largely moved past it now, but in times of stress or upset still wants me.

Tell him it's a phase that will pass. Try and hand ds over when he's happy, well rested and fed, then smile at baby and talk to him happily while ds is with your dh. DS will be picking up on both your anxiety and DH's so you need to keep it relaxed and chilled when DH has ds. Good luck!

My daughter would scream if anyone but me held her. My husband didn't take it personally, he understood that she needed me as a tiny baby. She is a real daddy's girl now

Please ignore posters who think he should be forced

It sounds like your DH needs some bonding jobs with the baby for example being responsible for bathtime or an afternoon walk together maybe.

If you're up to it, also maybe expressing a bottle so he can bond that way.

PND can arise in men is just less common and not widely known about.

My baby was less than 5lb when born so I know what it's like to have a tiny baby. Mine tended to prefer my husband to me though and I got very distressed that my baby "hated" me and I was resentful of my husband that he seemed to have such a natural bond with our son. Doesn't mean I actually blamed either of them, and I don't know why you feel guilty about your husband feeling this way, it's not anything to do with you, it's just how he feels.

Unfortunately, it's going to take time and patience. Every new step brings its own challenges: right now your baby loves you the most, but give a few months and suddenly your baby will be bored of you and its first word will be daddy and you'll be the one resenting your husband.

Who's suggesting 'forcing' him to do anything, Confusedbeetle? He wants to care for the baby without tears and stress, that's totally understandable. It's not fair to tell the OP she's the one making him feel stressed and inadequate by passing him the baby.

I think that must be really tough for your DH. It was one of the reasons we decided I wouldnt breastfeed our kid. She has never differentiated between us since day one. I think it must be heartbreaking for Dads and then crappier dads use it as an excuse to not do anything with the baby. I don't know what the answer is though

Yeah, agree that making something like bathtime his job would be good.

Useful tip I got for caring for dealing with lots of crying is putting in headphones with music - you can still see the baby, you're still interacting with the baby, but the crying doesn't frazzle you as much.