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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to commit to DP...yet

85 replies

BSmart · 29/12/2018 00:18

I know I’m going to be told I’m BU but here it goes.

DP is really upset with me and is currently not taking to me. Last night, we don’t live together by the way, DP asked me “...so BSMart, what are your plans for the future ?”. I relied “Well... I want to open up my own business-“. He then cut me and said “Not career wise but in terms of our relationship. I would really like us to start saving up and buy towards a house so we can all start living together as a family”. I told him “Honestly, I can’t think of that right now when I feel there’s still issues and after what has happened between us during the years I will be stupid to consider living with you now and rushing to buy a house with you”. DP got upset and said “Your childish, that’s why I can’t consider having mature conversations with you”.

Before I get flamed. DP and I have been together since teenage-hood. The first 2 years of our relationship was great, after that, it was horrible. Very abusive, physically, emotionally and sexually. It took a lot of mental strength to come out of that. DS was born shortly after, he was inconsistent with contact, refusing to pay maintenance and I was literally a single parent for a huge number of years. DP and I broke up by that point.

He came back again but soon left and didn’t have any contact with DS for 6 months. After that, he came back in contact realised his wrong-doings and has been having a consistent relationship with DS since then (including paying maintenance).

This now brings us back to the present. It has only been recently that DP and I have gotten back together. We have never lived together because I didn’t want to put DS through living 24/7 in an abusive household. Now, DP really wants to make a go, he has his own flat has been persuading us to live with him or save up for a deposit for us to buy our own house. But I still have this niggling feeling, I’m scared to go back to that low confidence, broken down little girl. Even though he hasn’t been abusive for a number of years (we were both young). I’m worried he will turn abusive again and DS will become mentally scarred. I have my own flat, with DS living there of course. It has been drama free for a good number of years. Noscreaming/ shouting, no police turning up at our door and no revolving round of social workers coming in and out of our lives. I’m currently studying on a vocational course which will hopefully lead to good employment. I’m worried if I go back there with DP, it will disrupt all of that.

I have told this to DP and mentioned to him that it has taken me a good number of years to get to this point after all the abuse. But I feel he is not taking this on board. I also don’t feel a year and a half is enough to prove to me that he’s changed and that he’s soon not going to be dipping in and out of DS life any time soon. Also he says some things which makes me think, do I really want to go back to that again ?

Oh I don’t know. I’m prepared to be told that IABU.

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 29/12/2018 00:21

Run. Run away. As fast as you can.
HTH

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 00:21

I don’t know you or your situation, but with the information you’ve given I’d not have got back together with him, let alone consider living with him.

I would never be able to trust someone again who had abused me in such a way.

UhUhUhDennis · 29/12/2018 00:23

God no. Why are you back in a relationship with someone that abused in many different ways?? Age is no excuse. He can be a dad but fuck knows why you're back with him and even considering at all whether you should be un reasonable to not want to move in with him Confused

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 00:23

The sheer fact you think people will think you’re being unreasonable screams to me that you don’t value or trust yourself.

It is obvious that this is not a man to be trusted.

explodingkitten · 29/12/2018 00:24

Not sure if this relationship is right for you.

Having said that, can you commit to save money for a future house (on your own bank account) while seeing how the relationship progresses? It shows some commitment from your part but in the end you can still walk away from him.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 29/12/2018 00:24

You really shouldn't be with him at all

magoria · 29/12/2018 00:27

DP got upset and said “Your childish, that’s why I can’t consider having mature conversations with you”

Clearly you are making the right decision not to move in with this man yet.

If you are determined to stay with this person (why are you?), then I would wait several years to make sure he is really reformed before even considering it.

TisTheSeasonToSparkle · 29/12/2018 00:27

It sounds like he's playing the long con. Once he gets you trapped in a flat or house with him I bet the abuse will start trickling then flooding in. Just no.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 00:29

It sounds like he's playing the long con. Once he gets you trapped in a flat or house with him I bet the abuse will start trickling then flooding in. Just no.

Yup. This sums it up.

AornisHades · 29/12/2018 00:34

Does he realise how lucky he is that you even give him the time of day?
No yanbu to keep him at arms length and live independently.
YABU to even feel YABU.

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 29/12/2018 00:39

Oh, I don't necessarily agree with PPs. (not disagreeing with them either, btw).

OP - why did you get back together with him? (you don't have to answer, just think about it).

Also, forget what he wants and the pressure he's putting you under. What is your 'end game' with rekindling your relationship?

I assume with your DS, you don't want men trickling in and out of both your lives.

I get your fears and worries and TOTALLY understand you not wanting to go back to being the abused person you were. But how do you feel about the relationship as it is now? Is it working for you? Do you love him? Do you enjoy his company? Do you feel valued?

You don't have to follow his agenda at all, but do have a good think about what it is you want and how well you feel he could provide that. THEN make your decision.

Popc0rn · 29/12/2018 00:44

DP got upset and said “Your childish, that’s why I can’t consider having mature conversations with you”.

Not an expert, but isn't this technically 'gas lighting'?!

You are obviously NOT being childish to take your relationship with him slowly. He shouldn't be pressuring you.

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2018 00:45

YABU to stay in a relationship with somebody you dont fundementally trust. Maybe best for both of you to draw a line under it and move on.

Original poster
BSmart · 29/12/2018 00:46

Thanks for your replies !

Keep I do love him. It is working for now but I feel like it’s working because we are at an arms distance. I don’t know how that will change once we are together practically 24/7. I do feel valued but he calls me childish or stupid if I don’t agree with what his saying.

I understand he doesn’t want to waste time and he wants to settle down. He is 26. But I feel his wasted 10 years of my life. I can’t get those years back and I’m hesitant to waste another 10 more years on him.

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 29/12/2018 00:47

You are being very sensible.

Are you with him because this relationship is familiar and what you know, or do you really love him?

I’d be scared of the abuse pattern. I’d be more scared that he doesn’t respect the fact that you have had police and social workers and he doesn’t take that as a factor as to why you are tentative.

It’s easy to slip into old familiar routines, habits and roles- especially if you’re putting yourself back in the original situation.

You sound like you have done so much to better you and your DCs life, don’t jeopardize that now. He is being immature, not you. If he can’t see that then that is the overriding reason you should say no.

Stompythedinosaur · 29/12/2018 00:47

I think you might be unreasonable to pursue a relationship with an abuser at all, but you are definitely not being unreasonable to be cautious. I suspect if your dp had any intention of changing his ways he would understand that.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 29/12/2018 00:58

Listen to that niggle. If it goes away, consider moving in with him. If it doesn’t, then don’t.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2018 01:09

I never, ever understand these threads.

How can you love him? What is it about him that's loveable?

He's treated both you and your son abysmally to the stage you've had police and social worker involvement.

Have you ever had counselling?

fizzthecat1 · 29/12/2018 01:11

OP sorry but WTF? Why are you voluntarily in this situation? Did you grow up in an abusive household with abusive parents?

And no don't let you son live in an abusive situation, he didn't ask to be born, that would be worse than anything.

PolkaDoting · 29/12/2018 01:12

How would you define love, OP?

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/12/2018 01:15

Why the hell are you with this person? Don’t you value yourself, your life and your prospects?

You are attached to him because: history - but that isn’t a good reason. That’s habit and fear of the unknown.

Don’t throw your happiness away on that waste of time.

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 01:16

There's no reason why a couple should EVER live together. You can carry on living apart for as long as it takes even if that's forever. You are being sensible, not at all unreasonable!

Fairylightfurore · 29/12/2018 01:17

Absolutely don't move in with him, especially not until your business is off the ground and you are financially stable. Personally I would steer clear altogether.

DeepanKrispanEven · 29/12/2018 01:20

But I feel he's wasted 10 years of my life. I can’t get those years back and I’m hesitant to waste another 10 more years on him.

Exactly. You could spend a few more years wondering whether you can ever trust him again - - or you could get on with your career plans and a relaxed life with your child where you aren't wondering when your partner will turn abuser, because your abusive partner is out of your life. I know which I'd go for.

DeepanKrispanEven · 29/12/2018 01:22

I do feel valued but he calls me childish or stupid if I don’t agree with what his saying

How can you possibly feel valued when you're not allowed to have an opinion that contradicts his opinions?

It's quite telling that he always resorts to insults to shut you down, rather than trying to support his points with valid facts and reasoning. He sounds incredibly immature himself.

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