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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to commit to DP...yet

85 replies

BSmart · 29/12/2018 00:18

I know I’m going to be told I’m BU but here it goes.

DP is really upset with me and is currently not taking to me. Last night, we don’t live together by the way, DP asked me “...so BSMart, what are your plans for the future ?”. I relied “Well... I want to open up my own business-“. He then cut me and said “Not career wise but in terms of our relationship. I would really like us to start saving up and buy towards a house so we can all start living together as a family”. I told him “Honestly, I can’t think of that right now when I feel there’s still issues and after what has happened between us during the years I will be stupid to consider living with you now and rushing to buy a house with you”. DP got upset and said “Your childish, that’s why I can’t consider having mature conversations with you”.

Before I get flamed. DP and I have been together since teenage-hood. The first 2 years of our relationship was great, after that, it was horrible. Very abusive, physically, emotionally and sexually. It took a lot of mental strength to come out of that. DS was born shortly after, he was inconsistent with contact, refusing to pay maintenance and I was literally a single parent for a huge number of years. DP and I broke up by that point.

He came back again but soon left and didn’t have any contact with DS for 6 months. After that, he came back in contact realised his wrong-doings and has been having a consistent relationship with DS since then (including paying maintenance).

This now brings us back to the present. It has only been recently that DP and I have gotten back together. We have never lived together because I didn’t want to put DS through living 24/7 in an abusive household. Now, DP really wants to make a go, he has his own flat has been persuading us to live with him or save up for a deposit for us to buy our own house. But I still have this niggling feeling, I’m scared to go back to that low confidence, broken down little girl. Even though he hasn’t been abusive for a number of years (we were both young). I’m worried he will turn abusive again and DS will become mentally scarred. I have my own flat, with DS living there of course. It has been drama free for a good number of years. Noscreaming/ shouting, no police turning up at our door and no revolving round of social workers coming in and out of our lives. I’m currently studying on a vocational course which will hopefully lead to good employment. I’m worried if I go back there with DP, it will disrupt all of that.

I have told this to DP and mentioned to him that it has taken me a good number of years to get to this point after all the abuse. But I feel he is not taking this on board. I also don’t feel a year and a half is enough to prove to me that he’s changed and that he’s soon not going to be dipping in and out of DS life any time soon. Also he says some things which makes me think, do I really want to go back to that again ?

Oh I don’t know. I’m prepared to be told that IABU.

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 29/12/2018 08:53

Please never, never move in with this man. He will abuse you again. Please don’t do that to yourself.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 11:30

I keep thinking about this thread and getting really upset and worried.

OP - I hope you’re ok Sad

Original poster
BSmart · 29/12/2018 13:39

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I have known him for many years and he is the only partner I’ve ever had a relationship with.

We started a relationship again because I could see he was trying to change and I saw how attentive and caring he was towards DS, including supporting him and maintaining regular contact with him. This was a side to him that I’ve never seen before and when he asked me “to make a go of our relationship again”. I thought, ok, we’ll see how it goes.

However, getting closer to him again and what he does now has reminded me of little snippets of what he did when we were teens and I’m not sure if I want to go through with that again.

OP posts:
WeirdAndPissedOff · 29/12/2018 13:52

Not RTFT so not sure if another pp has said this - but if he has really changed he will understand the full impact of what he did to you, understand why you may be hesitant to jump back in fully, and be supportive.
He won't undermine you, gas light you, make snide comments or put you down.

But this doesn't seem like it's the case?
More likely, he's making a token effort. Whether he has changed or not, he's still showing signs of undermining, and low-level emotional abuse. And this is while he's trying to win you over. Once you move back in with him, then he "has" you.

Merryoldgoat · 29/12/2018 13:52

Please don’t OP - there’s so much better out there. Show your child what a healthy happy parent looks like.

My DH has never ONCE belittled me or patronised me even when we disagree (which we do frequently) - never even shouts. We’ve been together 13 years.

Hold our fit someone who treats you properly. Please.

crispysausagerolls · 29/12/2018 15:09

Your attitude re having wasted 10 years so wanting to make it work is known as the “sunken cost” fallacy, or, “throwing good money after bad”.

You will not get the last 10 years back, but you should leave now before also “wasting” another 10. Because you will feel you have wasted them, except then it will be 20 years, then 30 and onwards until your life is over and you are unhappy with how it was lived.

You are young and will find someone else; and until then would be far better off on your own.

Moonstoned · 29/12/2018 15:13

Exactly what crispy said about the sunken cost fallacy. Don’t waste another ten years on this man. It’s perfectly possible for him to be a decent co-parent to your son regardless, but you’ve already given this man far too much of your life.

Did you honestly think Mn was going to chorus ‘Of COURSE you should move in with an abuser!’?

gimmeadoughnut123 · 29/12/2018 15:14

DP got upset and said “Your childish, that’s why I can’t consider having mature conversations with you”

This sounds like very manipulative behaviour and ties in with everything else you have said about him. He doesn't like something you have said and is twisting it to try and get his own way, making you feel bad and ultimately leaving him in control.
Big red flag for me.

gimmeadoughnut123 · 29/12/2018 15:16

To be honest my view on things like this is that it is better for your children to grow up with separated parents that are happier, than let them live in a toxic environment that they think is the norm.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 29/12/2018 17:25

Has he done anything to actively change his own behaviour ie counselling/abuser programmes to help him really alter his own mindset? Cos if he hasn't then there is no way he accepts that he was wrong or is interested in changing himself. The fact that he is already causing you to feel this way again just screams out that you shouldn't be anywhere near him.

Let him co-parent if he is proving capable but stop being in a relationship with him.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2018 22:22

However, getting closer to him again and what he does now has reminded me of little snippets of what he did when we were teens and I’m not sure if I want to go through with that again

You don't and you shouldn't.

And more importantly your DC shouldn't.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 29/12/2018 22:31

He’s not going to change, sweetheart. I think you know that.

You don’t know any different from anything else and that is the saddest thing. Every time you allow or accept his behaviour- snippets, flashbacks etc- you’re setting the benchmark for your child.

I know it’s hard and I really, truly feel for you; but, the greatest role model you can be is to be amazing and strong for your child.

He’s a waster. Manipulative and destructive. Be the person to break that cycle of abuse.

comingintomyown · 29/12/2018 22:33

What Nannyogg said

Soconfusedbylife · 29/12/2018 22:52

I’ve only read the first page but it sounds like he’s still being abusive but in a different way.

RayRayBidet · 30/12/2018 08:35

Please don't move in with him. You should end this relationship, he is not going to change.

OohLookAtThat · 30/12/2018 08:42

I think you’re with him out of habit and because he’s all you’ve ever known. However it is not good for your DS. Put him and yourself first. He can be a father without you needing to be in a relationship with him.

He isn’t going to change. Set your bar higher, a lot higher.

strawberrisc · 30/12/2018 09:00

If you make the move to live with him you may never move out.

BlueSuffragette · 30/12/2018 09:08

Do not ever move in with him.

OohLookAtThat · 30/12/2018 10:30

Have a read of this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Have a look at the Freedom programme as it may help you work out why you are back with him. Do SS know you’re back together? Don’t move in with him, don’t even be with him. You can parent without being with him, but I expect he’ll change his tune as soon as you say you aren’t moving in. He won’t change, he is an abuser. You can do better.

Original poster
BSmart · 01/01/2019 14:42

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven’t been replying. I’ve been having a think about what you all have said. The issue is, if I don’t have a relationship with him, I don’t think he will want to make the effort to build a relationship with DS. He’s the type of person who thinks that families should stay together no matter what.

OP posts:
The4thSandersonSister · 01/01/2019 15:21

Is that the sort of Father figure you want your DS to model himself on. The kind of man who uses his DS as leverage to keep an unwilling Mother tethered to a relationship she doesn't want?

RayRayBidet · 01/01/2019 16:36

So you would prefer him to see you being a doormat to your abuser? OP your son will grow up thinking that it's OK to treat a woman that way.
It will damage him more to live in a toxic situation than having no relationship with his abusive father would.
If he would drop his son like that it just proves what a worthless piece of shit he is. You deserve better.
One day your son will be an adult and he will understand why you split with his dad. End it now while he is used to his dad not living with you. Chances are he moves in and then your son will witness the abuse.
Are you frightened to be alone? Is that why you are saying this? Has your DP made you afraid to be by yourself?

WhoAmIToDissABrie · 01/01/2019 16:48

I’m sure your DS would rather not grow up watching an abusive relationship and wondering why no one did anything about it.

SilverySurfer · 01/01/2019 18:29

You have set your bar low because you know no different. Some women believe any man is better than no man in their lives, no matter how awful he is. It's not true and if you read threads on here from women who have left their abusive partners/husbands, most will say that their lives are immeasurably better after leaving.

Your DP is a habit and one formed at a young age but there's better out there, both for you and your DC.

I wish you all the best.

Popc0rn · 01/01/2019 19:10

"The issue is, if I don’t have a relationship with him, I don’t think he will want to make the effort to build a relationship with DS. He’s the type of person who thinks that families should stay together no matter what."

Your DS will probably be better off NOT having much of a relationship with him if he's abusive tbh. Some of the nicest guys I've dated have had little or no contact with their fathers.