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Original poster

To think you always get found out?

71 replies

mumbleds · 28/12/2018 19:24

Not something I'm considering - just a debate with a friend.

Affairs/cheating.
I think that most of the time, it'll be found out, no matter how well you try and hide it.
She's insistent that it happens more than people think and people can get to the end of their lives/marriages and never be caught out.

What's everyone's opinion/experiences on this?? Even if you didn't get found out, wouldn't you just live in fear that you would anyway??

OP posts:
LettuceP · 28/12/2018 19:28

I don't think so. I know a few people that have never been found out and IME it's a lot more common than you'd expect.

I can't say if I would be able to hide it if I cheated, I'd like to think I would admit the truth (well I'd like to think I'd never do it) but I can't say for certain whether I could face confessing.

PooleySpooley · 28/12/2018 19:30

I got away with it with my first husband and he never found out - not that I am proud of that and I have been faithful in my second marriage.

Original poster
mumbleds · 28/12/2018 19:30

@LettuceP don't know why it seems so mad to me that people can do it and never get found out! I would constantly be on edge that it was going to come out somehow so it's so strange to me that it's more common than you realise.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 28/12/2018 19:31

I think some people on an unconscious level want to be found out, so they don’t have to keep up the lies and keep hiding anymore. They might find themselves getting sloppier and more obvious without realising.

Original poster
mumbleds · 28/12/2018 19:33

@PooleySpooley was that just a one off or a full blown affair??

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 28/12/2018 19:37

I think the majority of people get found out one way or another. A one night stand might be easier to hide but engaging with someone else emotionally and physically is going to be obvious to the other partner - unless they don't really care.

PooleySpooley · 28/12/2018 19:38

Several affairs Blush

I much prefer being in a faithful relationship.

skippy67 · 28/12/2018 20:03

No, people don't always get found out.

Thewifipasswordis · 28/12/2018 20:10

They only get caught if they want to. Long term adulterers who wish to remain so rarely get caught. It's why people have second lives or their affair partner is also married and neither want to leave their primary relationships. Both serve different needs.

MerryFuuckingChristmas · 28/12/2018 20:13

Seems like you always get caught out to me.
But probably not a balanced opinion since he only got caught out last week and I'm still reeling.

Original poster
mumbleds · 28/12/2018 20:14

@MerryFuuckingChristmas really sorry to hear about your situation!

OP posts:
NewPapaGuinea · 28/12/2018 20:15

I’m a believer that humans are not monogamous so the “it happens more than you think” is true. I also believe there would be less family breakdowns if polygamy wasn’t “taboo” and was socially acceptable. And it doesn’t even have to be just sexual. Being able to spend time with a member of the opposite sex because you enjoy their company, whether or not you find them attractive should also not be frowned upon.

This ideal that you have your lobster and everyone else is off limits is bit boring imo. We have one life on this planet, make the most of it!

Original poster
mumbleds · 28/12/2018 20:15

@NewPapaGuinea I actually somewhat agree with this!!!

OP posts:
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 28/12/2018 20:16

Thanks. Sorry, not really helpful to your thread. Somehow any chance to get anonymously angry seems to make me feel better..!

MerryFuuckingChristmas · 28/12/2018 20:17

Also I actually do see the point of the PP, but I do think the lobster has a right to know and decide if they're ok with it...

Mountaingirl54 · 28/12/2018 20:18

I’m with New really, and I think it is more common than people expect. The ‘successful’ affairs seem to be where both people are already attached and neither want to leave the original relationship.

MerryFuuckingChristmas · 28/12/2018 20:21

Which is exactly what my husband had. Both attached. Noone wanted to leave.
Trust me, it doesn't feel good being the one who's not in the loop.

Original poster
mumbleds · 28/12/2018 20:22

@MerryFuuckingChristmas how did you even find out (if you don't mind me asking)?

OP posts:
MerryFuuckingChristmas · 28/12/2018 20:26

He tried to end it. She got angry/drunk and came and told me what had been going on. He denied it. She told me some details and forwarded some messages and he couldn't really deny it any longer. I also ignored other signs along the way in hindsight.

NewPapaGuinea · 28/12/2018 20:26

The typical problem with affairs is, I would argue, is not the sex, it’s the lying and deceitfulness that goes with it. That feeling you’re being laughed at behind your back. Now, if polygamy was socially acceptable the lying and going behind someones back ceases to be an issue.

Florries · 28/12/2018 20:27

So sorry Merry I've been there. Fucking horrendous but it does slowly get better. You'll get there.

Lifeofsmiley · 28/12/2018 20:28

Yes I think they always get found out. I found out after the old sent me a message meant for the ow chestnut

MerryFuuckingChristmas · 28/12/2018 20:28

You're right and it's the hardest part to forgive.

Birdie6 · 28/12/2018 20:28

I left my husband because he was a serial cheater ....but he's never known that in fact I did cheat on him once. That was about 20 years ago and if he'd known or even had an inkling, he would have made a big thing of it. But he never did, and apparently the OM never said anything either . So no you don't always get found out - as long as everyone keeps their mouth shut.

GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 28/12/2018 20:30

I also believe there would be less family breakdowns if polygamy wasn’t “taboo” and was socially acceptable.

And legal....?

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