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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you always get found out?

71 replies

mumbleds · 28/12/2018 19:24

Not something I'm considering - just a debate with a friend.

Affairs/cheating.
I think that most of the time, it'll be found out, no matter how well you try and hide it.
She's insistent that it happens more than people think and people can get to the end of their lives/marriages and never be caught out.

What's everyone's opinion/experiences on this?? Even if you didn't get found out, wouldn't you just live in fear that you would anyway??

OP posts:
snowone · 28/12/2018 20:31

I personally believe that I married my husband as I want to be committed to him and only him for the rest of my life - and I really hope that he feels the same way too. We didn't start dating until our late 20s and have had plenty of time to 'shop around'.

People willingly enter into relationships / marriages, perhaps the answer for the serial shaggers is that they do the right thing and stay single rather than entering into committed relationships??

SirVixofVixHall · 28/12/2018 20:34

I have never cheated, but a good friend has had one long affair and a couple of shorter ones in her thirty year relationship and her DH has never known. She has a job which is a good cover though.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/12/2018 20:35

Not always. My ex friend was with a married man for a few years, she was his third long-term mistress if you like.

He had many casual flings as a taxi driver. Afaik his DW knew of one of his long-term affairs as it was her best friend, that was a decade before my friend. He was a sleazy dickhead.

ExFury · 28/12/2018 20:35

I think as long as both people want it hidden then they’ll get away with it. As soon as one person wants it to come out then it will.

NewPapaGuinea · 28/12/2018 20:37

I must have used the wrong word because I didn’t mean multiple wives/husbands. Just not be tied to one partner.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/12/2018 20:46

“I’m a believer that humans are not monogamous so the “it happens more than you think” is true.”

I’m a believer that many people are monogamous and some aren’t. Please don’t tar everyone with the same brush Hmm
You are judging people by your own values and experience (as am I)

Gonnagetflamed · 28/12/2018 20:46

In my experience, you only get caught if one of the offenders wants to be found out.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 28/12/2018 20:51

I believe that most infidelities are not known about by the person being cheated upon

FBEH · 28/12/2018 20:57

Read the news story’s about people who have done their geneology checks only to find out they’re a product of an affair. There are a ton of them so seems pretty common and obviously not always discovered for a long time.

ChiaraRimini · 28/12/2018 21:06

Nope. Loads don't get found out.

PooleySpooley · 28/12/2018 21:10

I have often wondered if I was my dads child. I have decided that I would rather not know.

arranbubonicplague · 28/12/2018 21:45

I didn’t mean multiple wives/husbands. Just not be tied to one partner.

I know people in polyamorous relationships - it's far from sunshine and roses. Particularly when some of the partners are married, have had commitment ceremonies with other partners, and have other relationships as well.

For the people for whom it works, it's fantastic but I seem to know as many broken-hearted people for whom it doesn't work as in plain and pots and pans traditional dyads/couples.

PooleySpooley · 28/12/2018 22:03

I played with my ex husbands heart. I risked shattering his life and hurting him which he did not deserve.

I should have had the decency to leave way before I did but I worried about what people thought and about my parents (who were not supportive when I did leave).

I regret the person I was then and I would never behave that way again.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/12/2018 22:03

I don’t think it is frowned upon to have opposite sex friends is it ?
Both DH and I have them. I would think it weird if an adult man had no female friends.

AnnAbbieLian · 28/12/2018 22:04

I would because I have a pathological need to confess my sins to everyone I meet :p

TheGreenDot · 28/12/2018 22:06

No way to say it with out sounding like it’s bragging.
I’ve done it several times and never been caught.
Not with current partner, I won’t cheat on the father of my Childern.

AnnAbbieLian · 28/12/2018 22:08

TheGreenDot why would it sound like bragging to admit you’ve done a horrible thing ?

Tony2 · 28/12/2018 22:13

I think the literature, fwiw, does indicate that many people have affairs and don't get caught. Affairs vary of course, and that's their fascination. The secrecy, the underhand nature, the getting one over are as big a rush as the sex maybe. Some want to be found out eventually so they get the thrill of exposing you as a foolish sap. I'm proving to you that you don't love me cos you didn't notice. Some with a humongous sex drive unlike the partner, where there is no major intention to humiliate. Just shagalot. Some completely separate sex from emotion, as one woman I knew said, I go for a coffee with someone, I go for cake with someone, I go for sex with someone, what's the difference? Good point. Seems to me, that if you love and trust your partner, you work and live your lives freely, then conducting an affair is piss easy.

ginandbearit · 28/12/2018 22:23

From many years observation of different workplaces (nursing , retail ,consultancy ) and in counselling practice I'd say many people have affairs and dont get caught and the vast majority of people who don't get caught are women . Almost every man I've known who's had an affair has been found out and almost every woman hasn't .

Graphista · 28/12/2018 22:44

I think most of the time the spouse/partner finds out. Whether they tell the cheating spouse they know I think doesn't always happen.

I'm 46 I've rarely in my life come across anyone where there's been/is infidelity going on and the spouse doesn't twig at some point.

I've known several people who cheated who THOUGHT their spouses didn't know but it was an open secret that they did and were not addressing it.

I've known a couple of instances where the spouses had no clue but there were serious levels of denial of clear indications in those cases.

I'm another that thinks that monogamy isn't necessarily a realistic state to live in. Openness is far better than faux monogamy and deception.

My ex was actually stupid on this score as he knew my thoughts on monogamy, as pp, it wasn't the sex that hurt me the most it was the lying and being made a fool of!! Didn't help that she was supposedly a mutual friend so LOTS of lying going on. It was the betrayal of the honest communication we had that hurt most.

I was asked by a few people after if I could have forgiven and taken him back had she not been pregnant, it wasn't the pregnancy I had a problem with though, by that stage what I couldn't forgive was his shitty treatment of our dd.

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 29/12/2018 00:07

I had an affair and didn't get caught. Not proud of it, it was a shitty thing to do, I knew my marriage was over which is probably why it started, the man I was having an affair with was married as well. I ended the affair and my marriage

Never cheated since and wouldn't

SirVixofVixHall · 29/12/2018 00:22

I don’t personally find monogamy hard to live in. I would find the deceit and guilt of an affair incredibly stressful, i don’t hold emotion in very well. I am sure that DH would guess right away that something was wrong.
Also i really love my husband and haven’t wanted to stray.

Unobtainable · 29/12/2018 00:32

Having worked in HR for three decades Ive seen a lot of infidelity and had numerous people tell me theyre having secret affairs and even have children from those affairs - spouses dont find out unless someone tells them.

When I started to compile my family tree on Ancestry I found out about a ‘secret’ child who was the result of a long affair (the mother hadnt told anyone else).

Ive never been married and I’m the faithful type but did date someone for six months who told me he was srparated and getting a divorce. He was nothing of the kind of course which I found out after doing some detective work when he ghosted me. His wife had no idea as far as I know. They were in the daily mail several years ago after he got involved in some pioneering medical technology. They spoke of their devoted relationship and the fact that theyd been insepetable since Uni. Some people are just blind to the obvious. Travelling for work makes it easy for people to cheat.

LadyBathory · 29/12/2018 01:14

@MerryFuckngChristmas me too I found out last week than my ex had been cheating on me in August with my best friend and godmother of my child (same person). I suspected something for months I thought I was going crazy he was acting like a dick as well he drank away the summer...grrrr the whole thing makes me so angry and sad 😢

Lovingbenidorm · 29/12/2018 01:20

I really don’t understand how anyone can proclaim to love someone and conduct an affair.
Really
I know I sound like Mrs Prudy McPrudarse but how can you shag someone then go home and shag your partner?
How has anyone got the fucking strength and energy to maintain 2 relationships?!

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