To think you always get found out?

[mumbleds]

Not something I'm considering - just a debate with a friend.

Affairs/cheating.
I think that most of the time, it'll be found out, no matter how well you try and hide it.
She's insistent that it happens more than people think and people can get to the end of their lives/marriages and never be caught out.

What's everyone's opinion/experiences on this?? Even if you didn't get found out, wouldn't you just live in fear that you would anyway??

No.
I have personal experience/knowledge about several things NOT getting found out.

You don’t know what you don’t know.

I couldn’t.

I believe that if you have kids you are doing it as much to them as you are to your spouse. You’re doing something utterly selfish that would shatter their little worlds if it came out.

I haven’t been an angel with past boyfriends when I was young and silly but when you get married and have kids, all bets are off.

Also I don’t have the energy and I couldn’t live with the stress.

I was single and seeing someone (FWB type thing) for 20 years or so, nobody ever knew about us so no, not hard

I can understand a drunken shag easily. But a pre-planned ongoing relationship seems very cold. Have cheated many times and never been caught. Sober now and single

I have had two boyfriends before which I was seeing both for a few months. One had suspicions but only because of something one of my work colleagues slipped up and said but the other had no clue.

I also cheated on another boyfriend with 3 different guys and he had no clue

Now I’m older I wouldn’t ever cheat it’s pointless but you don’t always know

@NewPapaGuinea some people develop intense friendships which can be seen as a threat to the partner(s) of one or both parties, when there's actually no likelihood of cheating occurring. And on the other hand, sometimes some of us ARE so bowled over by meeting a new friend we have that instant deep connection with, that we can feel the need to consume each other in a way which is a threat to a preexisting relationship. But it's often just because of the connection.

I believe we were most likely polyamorous back at the creation of mankind. But I also think where as some are more predisposed towards being poly-am, that others aren't. And some aren't sexual at all.

I'm on the asexual spectrum, I'm 'demisexual'. Means it takes a particular connection with someone for me to actually want to be with them in that way. My best friend, who is male, is asexual. But we love each other deeply, are affectionate and can happily sleep in the same bed without touching genitals or swapping bodily fluids. Which so many narrow minded people will tell you is just not possible.

I have cheated in my past. There was always a reason I got to that point. I am now with someone I cannot imagine ever cheating on. And one of his best points is that he totally 'gets' my connection with my best friend. Few people have.

I honestly thought my XH knew I had sought comfort elsewhere but when I eventually told him, years after we split, he was genuinely surprised.

I think that most affairs are undiscovered. From personal experience anyway.

I've worked in sexual health for more than a decade in various parts of the world. I've not looked into the literature but in my anecdotal experience sex outwith the main relationship is extremely common.
If, again totally unscientfically, apply that amount of extra sex to the people I know then it would seem to me there are an awful lot of people not getting caught.

I know someone who was never caught out. Only the one though, everyone else has.

I think it's mostly hard to keep up the lies that go with it and they will eventually unravel.

That being said though, some people probably ignore the signs because they would rather not have their world turned upside down.

IDontLikeZombies wouldn't your job bring you into contact with a disproportionate number of people more likely to be cheating? When you think about it someone in a long term monogamous relationship probably wouldn't be seeing you.

When you think about it someone in a long term monogamous relationship probably wouldn't be seeing you.

I've known people in long term monogamous relationships who didn't know that their partners weren't IYSWIM - and could have done with consulting someone in GUM.

by definition the ones that hide it successfully are not known about, and the ones who get caught are known about. so yes of course there is a lot of it going on out there.

I have 2 female friends who have had affairs - husbands none the wiser.

During a bad patch with my husband it's something I've considered. Mutual attraction with work colleague, he is single, we work away in a hotel about once a month. I think I'd get away with it but like pp have said it's not just him I'd be betraying it would be my children. Plus and this sounds cold but I'd worry about my career it it ever came out.

My husband also works away frequently and it would surprise me if he has had dalliances but at the end of the day our family comes first.

Wouldn't surprise me that should say.

I've always been dead against cheating as my dad did it to my mum and broke her. But having lived in a no intimacy relationship for about 5 years now (and to be honest it wasn't great before then either) I've been really tempted to stray. He won't leave and I refuse to uproot the kids. I'm just biding my time to get out soon.

New pap Guinean I agree with you. This expectation that one person should be able to provide you with everything, be your best friend, confident, perfect lover,perfect parent etcfor a long life time is frankly a bit ridiculous. It puts so much pressure on families. This concept of an emotional affair is somewhat ridiculous.

Affairs are and have always been common place. Ime unless a person wants to be found out either on a conscious or subconscious level they very rarely are and are very very easy to hide. People don’t want to believe this as it means their partner could be having an affair.

@AnnAbbieLian
Just sounded like bragging when I typed it, ‘look what horrid thing I did and got away with, haha.’
It’s really not how I wished to sound.

All the people saying "everyone gets caught out"

How can you know? You know about the ones that got caught out because they got caught out. If they're able to hide it from their partner then they can probably hide it from casual observers as well

I think it's the opposite, people usually get away with it. I have known people who have done the most outrageous things and never got caught. Seems like people only get caught when they want to, they want to blow up the relationship so they make it obvious.

I discovered my H’s affair sort of by luck but I had a serious inkling that something was amiss. I even knew who it was with.

Her husband had no clue. I wonder if men are less attuned to their instincts than women? We are more aware of subtle cues maybe?

They definitely didn’t want to be found out as neither wanted their marriages to end (bully for them 🙄🙄), but h has subsequently admitted that he is glad I found out (I mean he has no choice!). I know the ow and her husband and I’d say he would much rather not to have known, based on how he has acted since. Although of course I might be wrong!

Sexual health isn't just about treating symptoms of STIs, though. We do loads of work in contraception, genital problems not connected to infection, problems involving sexual function, etc.
Often, the existence of other sexual partners gets picked up during routine history taking.