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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of in-law threads?

102 replies

Alwaysonholiday · 28/12/2018 17:19

Just stop it.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/12/2018 20:10

I think some of the threads are trolls tbh, they know they'll get a lot of attention for a start. There's been quite a few in law threads deleted lately I've noticed.

Chloe84 · 28/12/2018 20:11

OP sounds like she's probably a MILzilla

LaurieMarlow · 28/12/2018 20:14

PIL are inherently problematic.

You don't chose them, yet you have to play happy families with them. They probably have slightly different values and cultural norms which can feel threatening to your own.

Christmas is peak PIL exposure time with people often crammed into too small houses, fuelled by too much rich food, alcohol and high expectations.

It's a recipe for a car crash. MN rants are only to be expected. In fact MN is probably providing a valuable social service by letting people rant without repercussion. Grin

bibbitybobbityyhat · 28/12/2018 20:17

I'm a bit sick of all the seasonal threads, tbh!

I do find it grinds my gears that inlaws are nearly always the enemy. There seems to be a lack of tolerance about!? I find my own family really tricky - my inlaws don't occupy half as much headspace and I'm grateful for that.

Original poster
Alwaysonholiday · 28/12/2018 20:22

PIL are inherently problematic

No they aren't. They managed to produce and raise your DH, so they surely can't be that bad.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/12/2018 20:22

bibbitybobbityyhat not seem you for a long time!

Namelesswonder · 28/12/2018 20:26

My mother-in-law threatened to disown her son if he married me, refused to come to our wedding and forcibly requested we not invite any of his relatives to the wedding. Why - I’m white and he isn’t. Luckily his siblings refused to listen to her. His siblings were his only relatives at our wedding. How would you like me to feel about my mother-in-law?

LynetteScavo · 28/12/2018 20:30

Well I haven't complained about my MIL in the last 20 years, although I could have at times.

This Christmas DH finally had enough and ranted about every thing I have never mentioned.

I've always been quite amazed DH and SIL turned out as well as they both did. I think they both owe a lot to their school and their grandparents.

BestBeforeYesterday · 28/12/2018 20:43

Fact of the matter is that most people either don’t like or don’t get on with their in laws
This doesn't reflect my RL experience at all. Most people seem to get on with their ILs. A minority don't. In those cases, it's hard to judge who's being unreasonable. But some DILs seem to be particularly insecure and competitive, it's like they're competing with their MILs over their DH or DC. I suppose that goes for the MILs as well, but being young I have only got to know the DIL's side so far.

Propertywoe · 28/12/2018 20:51

It just adds to the stereotype of women being bitchy, it is mainly women critical about other women. MILs can do nothing right especially once a DIL view is set and vice versa. Common denominator is women. Luckily is my RL women do not act this way.

tillytrotter1 · 28/12/2018 22:46

I just have nothing to do with the people in DH family who I don’t like

And they're probably just as delighted.

tillytrotter1 · 28/12/2018 22:51

PIL are inherently problematic.
You don't chose them, yet you have to play happy families with them

Yet another example of MN arrogance! You're an in-law too, maybe they don't like you either.

It seems that 99% of the problems stem from the DIL wanting to make all the rules for 'her' family, her husband or partner is expected to 'support' her, ie accede to her demands, even if this destroys his relationship with his parents, he isn't allowed a contrary opinion.

tillytrotter1 · 28/12/2018 22:55

*Well they need to get a fucking grip and stop being so precious.

Or..... you could bugger off to another forum if it is causing you so much angst*

Oh diddums, is someone not toeing the MN party line? You seem to personify the type being discussed.

StrumpersPlunkett · 28/12/2018 22:56

I love my Il’s but fuck me they are hard work.
They will always be welcome.
That doesn’t stop me being a little put out that for Christmas they have given me 3 jars of strawberry jam and I don’t eat strawberries nor have I for the 20 years they have known me.
Now 3 jars of raspberry jam and I would have been delighted.

FascinatingCarrot · 28/12/2018 22:59

PIL are inherently problematic
IL relationships either way can be problematic, but certainly not inheritently. Any relationship can be problematic but why do we expect the IL (either way) to be instant empathy and mind reading?
Its not - everyone should work at any relationship and if its flogging a dead horse then fair dos.

GoldenSyrupLion · 28/12/2018 23:02

OP do you really think all MILs are perfect? I bet mine's on Gransnet slagging me off. She hates me.

LaurieMarlow · 28/12/2018 23:06

Yet another example of MN arrogance! You're an in-law too, maybe they don't like you either.

Absolutely. It works both ways. They didn't chose me either.

My point is that the relationship is inherently problematic. No one is to 'blame' for that, it's just life.

KipperTheFrog · 29/12/2018 07:52

My MIL issues stem from the fact that MIL always wanted a daughter so tried to mother me more than my own mother does. It was overbearing. Things have calmed down now and we get on so much better as a result.
The inherently difficult thing about in law relationships are the expectations of close family relationships with people you have no history with and no unconditional love. Whether the relationship succeeds depends on the ability of all parties to navigate that in a mutually acceptable way.
There are many successful in law relationships, you just don't hear of them as people don't go on about it in the same way!

Hannahmates · 29/12/2018 08:51

If it bothers you so much just scroll past. You may have been lucky with your in-laws but not everyone is.

Fifthtimelucky · 29/12/2018 08:52

When I was a teenager (1970s) there were always lots of jokes by people like Les Dawson about mothers in law. It therefore took me a bit by surprise that women seem to have more problems with their mothers in law than men do.

After my parents divorced, my father married a widow with sons. My siblings (all female) and I got on ok with our new step mother, but she had a poor relationship with all her daughters in law. Just as a small example, my father and stepmother always spent Christmas with one of my family. They were never invited by her sons.

I get on well with my mother in law but, when I read some of the threads on Mumsnet, I confess that I am relieved that, with two heterosexual daughters, I will never have a daughter in law of my own!

mindutopia · 29/12/2018 09:06

I used to love my MIL (FIL unfortunately died when my dh was young) and was closer to her than my own mum probably. Then she tried to manipulate us so a convicted paedophile could access our dc. No way thanks! She’s been able to bury her head in the sand, waited for him til he got out of prison and carries on a sexual relationship with him because she doesn’t think it was a big deal. But our dc deserve to be safe and I hate her now for the harm she could have caused them (they are fine, no evidence of abuse). The rest of my dh’s family though is lovely and I’m much closer to them than my own family.

My mum is another story though. She is also difficult and it’s caused me a lot of pain for a long time. But it’s nothing new. I keep her at arms length and we manage. I don’t as much need to whinge about her on a forum. Also she lives abroad so that makes it easier.

All well and good to not have dysfunctional family but not everyone is so lucky. I wish I could go back to the days when my MIL wasn’t prioritising an abusive man over her children and grandchildren, but I’ve long since accepted that it’s not my responsibility to fix everyone else’s dysfunction.

MsTSwift · 29/12/2018 09:07

Dh had issues with his parents years before I was on the scene. I had high hopes of a nice mil relationship but sadly was not to be. Dh parents are rather odd we struggle on but rarely see them. They emigrated after explaining there was nothing to keep them in England Grin.

If op could have a good relationship with them she is a better woman than I. They have no friends and are estranged from their extended family so don’t think I’m the only one that finds them hard. Both my sisters and many friends have great in laws I definitely get in law envy.

Original poster
Alwaysonholiday · 29/12/2018 09:08

I think some of the responses in this thread are very sad indeed. I love this parable, it’s very thought provoking.

A man who was traveling came upon a farmer working in his field and asked him what the people in the next village were like. The farmer asked "What were the people like in the last village you visited?" The man responded "They were kind, friendly, generous, great people." "You'll find the people in the next village are the same," said the farmer.
Another man who was traveling to the same village came up to the same farmer somewhat later and asked him what the people in the next village were like. Again the farmer asked "What were the people like in the last village you visited?" The second man responded, "They were rude, unfriendly, dishonest people." "You'll find the people in the next village are the same," said the farmer

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 29/12/2018 09:11

Well exactly that works Both ways. I have lots of friends and get on brilliantly with my own family and basically all work colleagues neighbors etc.. And yet after years of effort can’t make it work with in laws. Hmm scratches head.

DickTurpinsHat · 29/12/2018 09:18

I sussed out how to not let it affect me. I simply don't click on the threads.
HTH.