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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of in-law threads?

102 replies

Alwaysonholiday · 28/12/2018 17:19

Just stop it.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2018 17:56

It's not all about "having wonderful uncomplicated relationships with inlaws" though.

As a PP said, so many of the anti MIL posts are just really, really petty shite.

They say far more about the DILs posting, than it ever could about the MILs.

starzig · 28/12/2018 18:09

Safetyfreak Xmas GrinXmas GrinXmas Grin

BifsWif · 28/12/2018 18:11

If you hate PIL bashing threads, MN is probably not the forum for you.

toomuchtooold · 28/12/2018 18:26

I think the reason you don't see a lot of posts on here about DILs is that when you're the age to be someone's DIL, if you are a batshit mental narcissist or whatever, you usually have people far closer to home (DH and kids) to drive up the wall. My mum, who was emotionally abusive to me and my dad, was quite nice to my gran (to her face, anyway).

Also, my experience with my mother was that once I left home and was out of her control, she'd still be awful, but it was all stuff that was plausibly deniable like offering to help with something and then breaking it, or having things go missing when we visited her house only for them to turn up once wed gone home (and bought replacements). And lots of low level undermining comments and stuff... things that sound totally petty when you tell someone else, but it adds up and you sort of slowly just run out of energy for dealing with it. I see this the whole time on AIBU - people getting to the straw that broke the camel's back stage and they post about a badly chosen Christmas present and then everyone jumps on them for being petty and then they share everything she's done leading up to that moment and get accused of drip feeding. I do sometimes wonder where all the women with mothers (not MILs) like that are - I mean, a good few are on Stately Homes but sadly I think most people who grew up with someone like this don't even realise that something is up.

Dimsumlosesum · 28/12/2018 18:28

Mine are horrific. It's nice to be able to commiserate :)

Dimsumlosesum · 28/12/2018 18:29

If it helps, gransnet bitches just as much about DILs.

decemberfrost · 28/12/2018 18:39

My MIL has always been lovely, and my mum and DH always got on, but my eldest daughter's boyfriend's mum is a thundercunt from hell. She has 2 sons and has treated them like shit since the dad left her for another woman some 15 years back, (when they were 8 and 10.) Apparently it was their fault for being born. She said the dad would never have left if THEY hadn't come along.

She is a grumpy, angry, vicious-tongued hag, and even her neighbours cannot stand her. My daughter's B/F left home and went NC with her 5 years ago when she hit him across the back of the head with a frying pan for forgetting to record something for that she asked him to when she was at work. He was 19, and his brother 17. His brother kept contact for a few months with her, (he was scared of her,) but then left and went NC too, when she hit his girlfriend in a temper.

The 2 boys now have a close relationship with the dad and stepmum and HER 2 daughters. My daughter and her B/F have their own home, and are getting married next year, and thundercunt is not invited obviously. I don't think she even cares..........

In addition her sister, and 2 nieces and 2 nephews went NC a couple of years before her sons did, because she is such a toxic vile cow.

Not all DILs are perfect, but more MILs are bitches IMO.

Everyone who has known my daughter's B/F for years, said he has never been happier since he cut off his vile, toxic mother. Ditto his brother.

Fluffyears · 28/12/2018 18:40

I like them it makes me realise i’m not alone. It’s a hard relationship as you choose a partner but are lumbered with their family with little choice.

GemmeFatale · 28/12/2018 18:47

If only you weren’t forced to read those threads OP. Maybe if there were some way of identifying and avoiding them?

You should start a campaign

madmum5811 · 28/12/2018 18:56

My in laws well my FIL was wonderful, MIL ok. My own parents a bloody nightmare.

History is repeating itself, my DS in laws are a soap opera all on their own it is like reliving my parents dramas. I feel so sorry for my DIL having to go through what I went through with mine.

Ironfloor269 · 28/12/2018 19:07

I think it's due to people not managing and tolerating others. I grew up in an Asian culture where living with in laws is very common. Yes, there are disagreements, yes, you don't always get on..but both parties just agree to disagree and get on with things. They tolerate each other. And eventually, the in laws just becomes a part of your life.

In Western cultures, people tend to be quite individualistic. Their 'own space' is more important than getting on with each other.

I'm not saying the Asian way is right. It's not. I'm an extreme introvert and there's nothing i hate more than sharing my home with guests. But if it's only for a few days, I can and will tolerate my in laws. They won't live forever, they are my partner's parents. Just tolerate them for a short time.

You don't have to be a pushover to tolerate them. My DH is the most assertive person in the world and he has no issues standing up to his parents. However, he won't unreasonably try to chase them out of the house when they come over for a visit either.

I don't entirely see eye to eye with them. But DH is there as the buffer and he rebukes any unreasonableness towards me. And vice versa.

JacquesHammer · 28/12/2018 19:08

Just stop it

So don’t read them. 9/10 times it’s pretty obvious from the title as to the content.

It’s not rocket science...

DappledThings · 28/12/2018 19:11

I love my PIL. They are great people who I enjoy spending time with.

Just because twice a year they upset me by ignoring my requests doesn't take away from everything else that's ace about them. And I've never made any other complaint against them. I think I'm allowed my one thing.

Kaykay06 · 28/12/2018 19:13

What’s wrong with venting anonymously with people who might have similar experiences? Not everyone’s in laws are fabulous. My first ex in-laws were nasty and mil constantly put me down with my baby and made me feel crap they are no better now thank goodness ex but my second set are truly lovely, bit dippy at times but they still give me Christmas presents and me them and I’ll pop over etc.

Don’t really need anyone on here saying I can’t rant about what I want to as long as it’s within guidelines etc?....

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2018 19:16

Plenty of smug “I love my in-laws, must be cos I’m so special and deserving” threads to balance them out.

agnurse · 28/12/2018 19:20

My MIL and SFIL are lovely. FIL has issues. But he has since turned into Granddad Who We Don't See. Hubby is a rockstar and manages FIL.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 28/12/2018 19:20

I agree OP. One day most of us will be MILs so we should make more effort to understand where they’re coming from.

HolyMountain · 28/12/2018 19:26

I have 3 ds’s , all young adults now and ds1 has a gf who we like, we welcome her into our home and I think she likes bring here.

There’ve been some pretty shit IL threads over the last few days , I’d like to hear the other side.

HolyMountain · 28/12/2018 19:26

*being

Boyskeepswinging · 28/12/2018 19:27

Mine are horrific. It's nice to be able to commiserate
This.
I have no parents and I've found MN really helpful in understanding that (a) I don't have to put up with being treated like shit just because they are DH's parents (I did this for years, I thought it was "normal") and
(b) that it is possible to have a good relationship with your PILs and I hope to have such a relationship with future SIL/DIL.

BroomHandledMouser · 28/12/2018 19:28

Love my in laws too.

My DH is currently at his dads bedside in a hospital in France because he is very poorly.

Love them like my own mum and dad, I just wish I could be there too Sad

StripeyDeckchair · 28/12/2018 19:55

I love my ILs, and SIL and her family. It helps that she too has 4 children and is on her second marriage. DH also has a load of cousins and they're all really close, we spend loads of the summer with them on the island where everyone has summer cottages and take collective responsibility for all the children and have a great time.

For first MIL was a total bitch, she never said a good word about me or to me. The final straw was PILs bhaviour when DTs were born. It was truly unforgivable and I totally lost it with them.
Ex and I split when the DTs were 18 months, he's chosen not to have any contact for over 13 years now. When we first split she'd call demanding I bring the children to see her .... a 100 mile 3 hour drive away you can imagine my response.

WinterfellWench · 28/12/2018 20:03

My MIL has always been nice, but I know some people who have issues with theirs. Makes life very difficult. As a pp said, if you don't want to read the thread, just hide them!

WinterfellWench · 28/12/2018 20:06

When we first split she'd call demanding I bring the children to see her .... a 100 mile 3 hour drive away you can imagine my response!

What a cheek!

decemberfrost · 28/12/2018 20:07

Love my in laws too.

My DH is currently at his dads bedside in a hospital in France because he is very poorly.

Love them like my own mum and dad, I just wish I could be there too. Sad

Awww, what a melancholy post! Sad Sorry your parents have passed, but thrilled that your in-laws are great. Smile

@Ironfloor269

I think it's due to people not managing and tolerating others. I grew up in an Asian culture where living with in laws is very common. Yes, there are disagreements, yes, you don't always get on..but both parties just agree to disagree and get on with things. They tolerate each other. And eventually, the in laws just becomes a part of your life.

I'm not saying the Asian way is right. It's not. I'm an extreme introvert and there's nothing i hate more than sharing my home with guests. But if it's only for a few days, I can and will tolerate my in laws. They won't live forever, they are my partner's parents. Just tolerate them for a short time.

That is a good post with some good valid points.

However, if only it were that simple for everyone...... Thing is, it's not always as simple a matter as 'I will be fine with my DH's parents staying a few days, as they are his parents,' and 'live and let live' and 'you need to tolerate each other,' and so on........'

Often, when someone has a mother-in-law issue, (women especially,) it's not about her DH's parents staying a few weekends a year; it's often about constant digs, (and put-downs, and criticism,) being treated differently to the other DILs, your kids being treated differently to their other grandkids, sniping, histrionics when your husband defends you over his mother, demanding, entitled behaviour (thinking her wants trump everyone else's,) and thinking she is always right.

Seems to be daughter-in-laws who get this shit, not so much son-in-laws. Seems to be the mothers of boys who are more difficult and think NO woman is good enough for their son. Don't get so many mothers thinking no man is good enough for their daughter.