Or is DP?

[ladita]

DP and I split for a year and reconciled this year.
In that time, I slept with someone who was a mutual friend of ours. After DP and I got back together, he was furious about what'd happened and says that if I so much as message/smile at him he would leave.
The man in questions son died a few years ago, I've always messaged on the anniversary just as a kind message to say I'm thinking of him. I messaged this time and DP went crazy. I think this is unreasonable given the weight of these circumstances but DP insists its wrong of me to even contact him.
AIBU?

I don't think you should be with him if he makes rules foe you! That's crazy!

@blackteasplease I guess I never saw it as him making rules and thought his reaction was understandable?

I'd get rid of him for another year. He obviously thinks he's the boss of you. His behaviour is unreasonable, so don't put up with it.

I always thought him asking me to have zero contact with him was reasonable - am I wrong in this??

How does he know you messaged him?

@userschmoozer I told him I had. I assumed he wouldn't be too shocked given the anniversary.

If my dp was still contacting an ex shag I'd be a bit disappointed so I can see where he's coming from

No no no. You were split up. He has no right to be "furious" about what you did during that time.

@veggiepigsinpastryblankets I've tried to push this point for months but brushed over it in the end as there was no way he was admitting defeat with his anger over it. He sees it as me and his friend and that I could've picked anyone else, that's his mindset.

IMO, if you'd have had an affair, no contact would be reasonable. However, given that you were split for a year I think your DP is unreasonable. You were sending a sympathy message, not a sext.

Why is it reasonable? You weren't together with your DP when you had the other relationship. It's over now. No one should be telling anyone not to have contact with other people, it's controlling.

I think he is being unreasonable.
You were separated at the time.
As a bereaved parent myself I can tell you that one of the most hurtful and difficult things to deal with is the fact that friends move on and forget anniversaries.
You sound like a kind and thoughtful person and your partner doesn't sound very nice at all.

@endofthelinefinally sorry about your loss. That's completely my attitude, and a petty situation of jealousy doesn't outweigh the pain of a bereaved parent and how they might just be needing to hear someone remembering IYSWIM.
I feel like as a parent himself, he should have complete sympathy for this situation anyway no matter other circumstances.

You’re a grown up. You’re allowed to contact whoever you like.

This has opened my mindset completely to our circumstances. I never questioned whether he was unreasonable saying no contact so it's interesting to hear other people's views of that!!

What is he like in other aspects of your relationship? What was the reason for your year long separation?

You're acting like you're on the back foot, and have some 'making up' yo do, why?

You didn't do anything wrong.

Me and my dh (then dp) split for 1.5 years, many years ago, I was abroad, and he slept with one of my closest friends. We later reconciled, and apart from a bit of piss taking, I never said anything about it.

He's lovely, as is she, they had a moment (not a relationsgip) and it was over.

You did right to message your friend. Do you think he has feelings for you still?

I would split from him permanently. He's a controlling wanker. You did nothing wrong. You slept with someone when you were single. No need for him to have a hissy fit now, because you weren't sitting at home pining for him.

Did he not shag anyone else when you split? Are you allowed to tell him who he is and is not allowed to see?

You were on a break!

And he’s not the boss of you.

@Rosielily he's overall good in our relationship. He admits to having jealousy problems but I never see them really as he has no opportunities to feel jealous as I have no male friends, colleagues etc.
We split because he was overall not stepping up when we first had our newborn as we were quite young but I can't fault him as a dad now.

I think he’s completely U! You had split up and it’s really none of his business who you slept with. He’s controlling you and it’s not on

@BastardGoDarkly no I don't think he does, he's had a relationship since I believe.

@Whocansay he did, but as I knew neither of them, he said it's not wrong and what I did was awful, for sleeping with his friend.

Has your partner since gone no contact with this mutual friend too? Or did they stay friends?

He seems rather controlling. What's he like about other issues?

When starting this thread I was honestly expecting to be told I was unreasonable! Strange turn but a mind opener!

@Whocansay he did, but as I knew neither of them, he said it's not wrong and what I did was awful, for sleeping with his friend.

Oh, honestly. Sack him off in time for the new year.