Or is DP?

[ladita]

DP and I split for a year and reconciled this year.
In that time, I slept with someone who was a mutual friend of ours. After DP and I got back together, he was furious about what'd happened and says that if I so much as message/smile at him he would leave.
The man in questions son died a few years ago, I've always messaged on the anniversary just as a kind message to say I'm thinking of him. I messaged this time and DP went crazy. I think this is unreasonable given the weight of these circumstances but DP insists its wrong of me to even contact him.
AIBU?

@Myownname I related to this. I find that there's an awkward tension if his name is mentioned on TV or something or If his workplace is mentioned. I dread if we bump into him in public.

So would you have minded OP if he had shagged your best mate while you were on a break? Because for me I think there would be a massive difference between my dp shagging a very good friend of mine or a complete stranger, especially if the break up was recent and raw. So yes I can see why he would have issue with that. However to have issue with you texting over a bereavement, especially since its something you've always done, is pretty childish. Why did you tell him though when you know he wants no contact with him and now 'hates' him?

Ffs. They were NOT 'ON A BREAK' they had split up.

They both could have shagged the UN peacekeeping forces for all it should matter.

OP you sound as though you are living apologetically. Is that what you want for your life?

I'd finish the relationship and rebuild my sense of self, without all that eggshell walking.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Yeah, just to clarify, we weren't 'on a break', we never discussed getting back together, it was 13 months apart and I didn't expect to rekindle.

I think he has no right to be furious about you sleeping with him while you were separated, however out of respect for my current relationship I wouldn't have messaged him. I wouldn't have liked it if it was the other way around sorry.

Thanks everyone's for different perspectives on this. I'm not even sure where I stand on it now!

I have to admit I would be pretty gutted if my DP decided to sleep with a friend of ours after we split. I appreciate you can do whatever (or whoever) you want once single but it’s pretty disrespectful to choose a mutual friend when there’s plenty of people out there imo. I wouldn’t choose to shag one of DP’s friends when we split out of respect for him and his feelings. I fully understand on account of that alone why your DP is pissed off you messaged him. If you had been with a randomer it would be different but this guy was a friend of you both, I get why your DP doesn’t want anything to do with him.

On the flip side I can understand why you reached out to a friend on what is undoubtedly the toughest day of the year for him. In that sense, you were just being a kind friend but I can fully empathise with your DP.

I have to admit I would be pretty gutted if my DP decided to sleep with a friend of ours after we split. I appreciate you can do whatever (or whoever) you want once single but it’s pretty disrespectful to choose a mutual friend when there’s plenty of people out there imo. I wouldn’t choose to shag one of DP’s friends when we split out of respect for him and his feelings. I fully understand on account of that alone why your DP is pissed off you messaged him. If you had been with a randomer it would be different but this guy was a friend of you both, I get why your DP doesn’t want anything to do with him.

On the flip side I can understand why you reached out to a friend on what is undoubtedly the toughest day of the year for him. In that sense, you were just being a kind friend but I can fully empathise with your DP.

I don't think yabu for sleeping with him but I do think yabvu messaging him now you and oh are back together. I wouldn't want my husband to text someone he slept with

YANBU.

The thing is it’s not just someone op slept with. It’s a friend. Who lost his son. And the op sent a kind message on the anniversary of his death.

I imagine if the op slept with ‘a random’ person she wouldn’t still be in contact. And she’s hardly bombarding the guy with texts.

I think myownname’s story sounds similar. It’ll be the thing hanging over your head for the rest of the relationship. You’ll never win any argument ever again because this heinous crime trumps everything and he knows you feel guilty.

He either comes to terms with it and gets over his jealousy (upset when his name is mentioned on tv?! That’s going to get exhausting pretty quickly!) or you split up. It’s no way to live your life worried in case someone with the same name is mentioned on the news.

@aaaaargghhhhelpme yes, he admits he's got jealousy issues but sometimes it's just a bit draining!

This guy is now an exBF, I dont think its unreasonable for a partner to ask you to not stay in touch with ex's. I would ask why you feel the need to stay in contact with him, unless you 'keeping the door open' for the future.

If you think you need to stay in touch with people you used to sleep with then you aren't 100% committed to your latest relationship.

So either move on from your ex or leave your current BF.

Walkingdeadfangirl- see I don’t agree with that. If you’re an adult it is perfectly possible to stay in touch with exes and it not be at all sexual/awkward/a threat to your current relationship. Both dh and i are. Because they are in the past and we are secure in our relationship.

Ops partner gets upset with a character with the same name as this guy appears on tv. Or some other tenuous link. What should the op do about that? Name check movies to make sure no one has that name?

Besides which - the op texted him on the anniversary of his son’s death. She was hardly chatting him up. It’s what I’d expect a decent human being to do.

@Walkingdeadfangirl I wouldn't count him as an ex although I could see how that could be debated. I definitely wouldn't say I stay in contact with him. I've had zero contact with him but it didn't sit right to not message on the anniversary.

I have had tragedy in my life but would find it weird (possibly upsetting) if someone I slept with for a short time/dated texted me about it.

Maybe some people like this sort of contact but surly its fair to have shared ground rules and if one of you is not ok with contacting ex's then as adults you agree ground rules or separate?

Do you want to be with your boyfriend? To sleep with someones mate even after a split seems like a big Fuck You to the ex and to me would be disrespectful to someone I was serious enough to have a child with. It's sort of an unwritten law that mates don't do this to one another. And now, you know how much he's struggling with it, he tells you if you contact him he's leaving, so you then contact him and tell him all about it. Then wonder why he goes mad about it. Surely you should have forseen his reaction. I think if you were set on messaging him that one day you should have kept it to yourself. If it's something that he really can't get over and move on from then the relationship is over anyway. Not being able to hear his name on TV is pretty extreme!

I don’t think your relationship can really last, not if you can recognise things from what I was saying about my exh. It’s honestly not acceptable behaviour, I only wish I’d known that years ago! Think about how you feel, you don’t have to stay with him just because you’ve reconciled once. Good luck x