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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP?

68 replies

ladita · 28/12/2018 14:38

DP and I split for a year and reconciled this year.
In that time, I slept with someone who was a mutual friend of ours. After DP and I got back together, he was furious about what'd happened and says that if I so much as message/smile at him he would leave.
The man in questions son died a few years ago, I've always messaged on the anniversary just as a kind message to say I'm thinking of him. I messaged this time and DP went crazy. I think this is unreasonable given the weight of these circumstances but DP insists its wrong of me to even contact him.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
ladita · 28/12/2018 15:01

@Butchyrestingface no, he's had no contact either. He 'hates' him.

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 15:02

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to insist on no contact with someone you shagged during the time you’ve known each other. I know you were on a break, but it was still fairly recent so I can get why he’s upset.

It’s also a very kind thing to remember the anniversary of your friend’s bereavement so I can understand why you contacted him.

There was another thread on here recently about a guy contacting exes when his dad died and posters were split between thinking in bereavement, all bets are off - or that leaning on someone emotionally who is off limits the rest of the time crosses boundaries.

I think you need to both be more understanding of each other’s side. You were both unreasonable and indeed reasonable depending which side you’re looking at.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2018 15:04

@Butchyrestingface no, he's had no contact either. He 'hates' him.

He does sound quite extreme for a bloke who certainly wasn't keeping his hand on his ha'penny during the split.

Did you tell him that you'd slept with mutual friend? If so, I'm assuming you didn't anticipate this reaction.

Whocansay · 28/12/2018 15:04

Well that's very convenient for him, isn't it! How does that work? Woman sleeps with someone she knew? Burn the witch!

What a twat. Bin him off.

ALoadOfCodswallop · 28/12/2018 15:05

I wonder if the replies on this thread would be different if it was the OP's partner messaging someone he slept with while they were split.

Original poster
ladita · 28/12/2018 15:05

@RagingWhoreBag yes, I do get DP's point too for no contact. I can imagine my hurt if the situation was reversed. Maybe it doesn't warrant being sort of controlling over though after hearing other opinions.

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 28/12/2018 15:06

I think it comes down to trust, your husband doesn't trust you, so is trying to control your behaviour.

Would he react the same if you'd sent a message to an ex from before the first time you got together?

I think it's perfectly possible to remain friends with an ex, but honestly, I'd be questioning my decision in getting back together with DH if he couldn't trust me.

PositiveVibez · 28/12/2018 15:06

I know you were on a break

They weren't 'on a break'. They had split up. How did the OP know they would get back together?

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2018 15:06

I wonder if the replies on this thread would be different if it was the OP's partner messaging someone he slept with while they were split.

And it was a mutual friend and the message was to pass on good thoughts on the anniversary of the death of his child, I can't see the issue.

madmum5811 · 28/12/2018 15:07

Learn to keep quiet about exes is my advice. Men do not like it the hypocrites.

Did he wear a chastity belt during your split??

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 28/12/2018 15:09

So he slept with someone whilst on a break and that’s all cool. But no not you.

It’s fine if he wants to never speak to mutual friend again. But he can’t dictate to you.

But you’ve done nothing wrong. You were single. You slept with someone.

If you had had an affair I would understand it. But all this you must be punished bollocks is out of order. He’s got you doubting yourself and feeling guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

The fact that you contacted him on such an important anniversary and that’s not ok? Not good from me I’m aftaid.

It just feels like he wants to keep you in your place. Something he can hold over you. Forever. And any argument you have from now on he’ll bring it up to make you feel guilty. I’ll say it again - you have done nothing wrong and do not need to feel guilty.

firstbrightday · 28/12/2018 15:11

I don't know, I think he is being unreasonable as the message was a sympathy message about the death of his son. However I think this thread would be different if it was a woman wanting her husband not to have contact with an ex!

People would be saying 'he's broken your trust', 'he's putting her feelings above yours, leave him' etc. Seen it all before on here.

Maelstrop · 28/12/2018 15:13

yes, I do get DP's point too for no contact. I can imagine my hurt if the situation was reversed.

@ladita yet you've come on here to ask if he's unreasonable? Yet you'd be hurt in the same situation? I think yabu, therefore.

Original poster
ladita · 28/12/2018 15:14

@Maelstrop I was asking if he was unreasonable in this situation with a sympathy message and the circumstances as I think that is unreasonable!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladita · 28/12/2018 15:22

@aaaaargghhhhelpme yeah, think I made a rod for my own back by apologising so much when I saw his anger over it when deep down I knew I hadn't done anything wrong enough to warrant being made to feel like a bad person.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladita · 28/12/2018 15:48

@madmum5811 nope. And slept with more than 1 person!

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 16:39

he did, but as I knew neither of them, he said it's not wrong and what I did was awful, for sleeping with his friend. Ah I didn't see this part, then he's a massive hypocrite.

Original poster
ladita · 28/12/2018 16:41

@RagingWhoreBag so you don't think it's worse that I slept with someone he called a friend than him sleeping with someone I didn't know? Every time I've tried to defend myself he's always guilted me and left me with no points to defend myself with.

OP posts:
Awadebumbo · 28/12/2018 16:43

Honestly I think it’s that you went there with his friend that is his issue.

Original poster
ladita · 28/12/2018 16:45

@Awadebumbo yes that's been his issue from the start. I just felt it was unreasonable to be angry about me sending a condolence message.

OP posts:
willyloman · 28/12/2018 16:47

You were on a break!

Myownname · 28/12/2018 16:49

I think you should be careful. My exh was so mad that I had slept with someone before I was even with him that it continued through our marriage. If anyone of the same name was mentioned he would be angry with me. I’d visited a country with the boyf and my ex wouldn’t even stand the mention of the country in the end! If I had stood up to him and not pandered to his jealousy in the first place, I would have ended up much happier and less panicky of situations where the name might be mentioned! My exh also used ‘his jealousy’ as an excuse for his behaviour, and I let him get away with it. I wish mumsnet had existed then!

RagingWhoreBag · 28/12/2018 16:49

so you don't think it's worse that I slept with someone he called a friend than him sleeping with someone I didn't know?

No, technically its the same. But I guess I can see why it might seem worse from his side, as it could seem as if you've been harbouring desires for this guy the whole time you've known him?

TBH, I'm coming at it from the other side. DP and I split for a while earlier this year. After some time, I went online and arranged to meet up with some guy I'd never met before. XDP arranged a date with someone he'd worked with for the previous few years.

As it happened we met up with each other before either date had happened and decided to give things another go.

I think I found it harder to get past his planned date than he did mine, as it was with someone he was already close to, had potentially been away with for work, and it made me question how far things might have gone while we were actually together and it turned out she'd tried it on with him previously when we were together.

I didn't actually care if he'd slept with her while we were apart , but it made me concerned that he had feelings for her before we split. So in that respect I can see why it being a friend rather than someone totally separate could be an issue.

LakeIsle48 · 28/12/2018 16:54

He needs to cop himself on. He doesn't own you. Stop putting up with his crap. He needs to get over himself. Stop apologising. You can have sex with anyone you chose. Are you sure you want to be with him? Don't stay out of some misplaced guilt.

He sounds like a dickhead.

Do you have any other reservations about him?

Whocansay · 28/12/2018 17:04

I bet that if you'd have shagged someone you didn't know, he would still have had a problem with it and would find a way to make what you did 'worse'.

As the PP said, stop apologising. You were single and could do what you liked, as did he.

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