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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been assertive at work yesterday

74 replies

Damonlufc88 · 28/12/2018 06:39

So I kind of started my resolution early to be more assertive and voice my opinions more...
At work yesterday & sat in the canteen minding my own business, texting the wife as she had lost her aunty the day previous to huntingtons disease so probably a bit triggered as she is HD positive too. Just about to finish my break and sat on a long table with several colleagues, one of them (a lad a couple years younger than me around mid 20s who is thick as pig... (he had earlier remarked about "getting a maccies on the way home" ) says about somebody who just walked in "look at him, he makes me laugh. How he walks he looks like Woody off Toy Story" which I sniggered at. His friend said "yeah, he looks like he would have gone to a special needs school as a kid"

As my eldest son (6) goes to a special needs school i asked him what did he mean by that comment? I wouldn't have bothered if he was on another table but as he's was sat along from me it kind of got my attention.

He told me that I was looking to take offence at what he said and he wasn't making fun of disabled children. I said along the lines of "what's your opinion on special schools, I'm not taking offence, you brought up SN schools in your remark about how this guy acts"
He kept saying I was trying to cause friction.. I told him I'm not, we work in a huge factory with people from all cultures, up bringing, sexual orientation etc so just mind what you say when your sat in a group.

Kept saying I was trying to take offence, went round in circles for a few minutes, told him how parents I see at school would not like that comment.

Anyway the bottom line is
My son is l autistic, some of the children are really very poorly at my sons school and the parents and teachers do a fantastic job and throwaway comments like what I heard really peave me off and I have told myself to try to be more assertive. I just thought of people want to make that kind of comment in that kind of environment then I'm free to give me opinion too?

Sorry for the ramble post. Happy holidays

OP posts:

GaryBaldbiscuit · 28/12/2018 06:42

But you said yourself, he is thick.
thick people say thick things.

i am sorry he said that, i am sorry you heard it but well done for speaking up!

Auntiepatricia · 28/12/2018 06:44

I think you could have taken him aside after rather than calling out his ignorance in front of everyone and also warned him to be careful in a professional setting with his words as other people would likely just report him to HR etc. But yeah, he’s responsibility for what he said so you had every right to call him on it.

Just remember you laughed at the personal attach on the guy who looked like woody.

TweeBee · 28/12/2018 06:44

In my opinion it’s right to call out prejudice and nastiness whenever you hear it. So YWBR.
But it is also ok to have a ‘maccies’.
And best to treat others as you want to be treated - I’m guessing you haven’t described this guy in a way you’d like one of your loved ones to be described.

Grannyannex · 28/12/2018 06:46

Good to challenge things but best done kindly. I think that specialist teachers and parents do an amazing job also.

Mayrhofen · 28/12/2018 06:52

Was it ok for you to describe him as thick as a pig because he fancies a Maccies or snigger at someone for walking like Woody though?

I am certainly not condoning mocking SN, my fifty year old DB has SN, but maybe you should think about your behaviour too?

errorofjudgement · 28/12/2018 06:53

Well you lost my support by describing someone as thick; not sure how or why eating a burger supports that?
Yes you were right to call him out on the SN comment, but probably better to do that later in a conversation with just him (as AuntiePatricia suggested)
But, laughing at how someone walks, particularly as part of a big group as a single person walks by is very poor behaviour, if not bullying if the person overheard you.

treaclesoda · 28/12/2018 06:54

I don't think you have the moral high ground when you were happy to laugh at someone else's appearance until it got a bit close to home.

Sarah22xx · 28/12/2018 06:59

What he said wasn't nice, but you weren't nice to laugh at someone's walk or take the piss calling someone thick.

Notacluethisxmas · 28/12/2018 07:02

You sound like one of these people who use assertive to mean 'be a tit'. I apologise if that's wrong.

But how is it ok for you to describe him as thick. Why would saying he is having a maccies, be proof that he thick? Why was it ok for you to laugh at him taking the piss out of someone and how they walk? How is it ok to take the piss out of someone's walk but the line is mentioning special needs?

It's unacceptable to say what he said about special needs schools. But you all sat laughing at this man's walk was also unacceptable. But because your son goes to a special needs school, mentioning sn is not ok?

It was good he got called out on it. But you could have done it better. Why not in private? And you don't get to take the moral high ground here.

UrsulaPandress · 28/12/2018 07:03

OliviaStabler · 28/12/2018 07:03

You weren't assertive, you were rude. You clearly look down on this man and then kept at him and at him in front of others.

Assertive would have been quietly speaking to him one on one later on and explaining how his comment caused you upset. Far more effective way of getting your point across and hopefully teach him to be more careful about what he says in the future.

Louiselouie0890 · 28/12/2018 07:06

So you call someone thick and laugh at someone making fun of the way somebody walks but get touchy when it's something you have experience with hmmmm yabu

MulledWineAndCamembert · 28/12/2018 07:06

One of my closest friends is autistic and also has an 'awkward' gait. He also went to a special school.

He's a lovely man and I love him dearly. I see people looking and, on the rare occasions I've heard comments made, I've called people out on it.

I don't care if there are other people around. If you don't want to be called out for behaving like a dick then don't behave like a dick.

But you also have to practise what you preach. So make sure that you're not commenting other people similarly if you want to maintain the moral high ground. (HInt: describing someone as 'thick as mince' isn't very kind; eating McD's isn't a reflection on intelligence).

MulledWineAndCamembert · 28/12/2018 07:09

Oh I missed that you'd laughed at him too.

No moral high ground there then. You're as bad as he is.

Windgate · 28/12/2018 07:09

You're a hypocrite

Chloe84 · 28/12/2018 07:12

says about somebody who just walked in "look at him, he makes me laugh. How he walks he looks like Woody off Toy Story" which I sniggered at

So you were happy to laugh at someone for the way they walk but got triggered when someone made a comment about the person having special needs?

ciderhouserules · 28/12/2018 07:15

I think you used the opportunity to 'be more assertive' rather than because you were offended.

And your own behaviour is actually just as bad.

Your own behaviour would have disgusted me too.

Huntawaymama · 28/12/2018 07:16

You were just as bad laughing at someone else and calling your colleague thick (not sure why the maccies comment was relevant). You didn't mind until it got too close to home for you

AudaciousCockerel · 28/12/2018 07:17

Genuinely confused about the maccies thing

Original poster

Damonlufc88 · 28/12/2018 07:20

For 1 yes I did snigger as I saw the likeness in what the first guy said, that was funny as Woody is a character from a fictual animated film.

His mate added the SN comment, if you want to say things like that aloud then you should expect consequences

Maybe I shouldn't have added the maccies remark, it was how it was said.

I definitely don't feel bad that I said it in hindsight I would have been more annoyed of I hadn't

OP posts:

Original poster

Damonlufc88 · 28/12/2018 07:25

Any yes I do. Look look down on people and the friends they mix with when in their social circles comments like that are mate. Again Woody is a fictional character, I saw the similarly. But then to judge somebody on thinking they want to a special school.

OP posts:

MulledWineAndCamembert · 28/12/2018 07:28

For 1 yes I did snigger as I saw the likeness in what the first guy said, that was funny as Woody is a character from a fictual animated film..

That doesn't make it ok to 'snigger' though.

The man would have been just as hurt and upset by that comment and the resulting sniggering as you were by the school comment.

The only reason you stood up to him was because he offended you personally and not because you think it is wrong to mock disabilities.

Oh and the word is 'fictional'. Seems to me there's a lot of pot/kettle/black going on here...

MudCity · 28/12/2018 07:30

You all sound immature and unpleasant to be honest. You were equally judgemental and only got offended when the issue related to you and your family.

LEMtheoriginal · 28/12/2018 07:31

I have a PhD and love a maccie D.

I dont see how you can take the moral highground when you too were acting like a prat and sniggering at somebody's gait!

Stupid is as stupid does Forrest!

dontneedthedrama · 28/12/2018 07:33

I too have Sn son so I can see why you called him up on it , but you made your point and he said didn't want to cause offence wasn't calling sn kids so you should leave it at that no need to go round in circles as you said . Being more assertive is great but not to try and start a argument. Make your point then move on don't try and argue with the ignorant.

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