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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed by DH

60 replies

Outwards · 27/12/2018 22:45

Out with a friend, her new BF, me & my DH.

Nice meal, chat away (DH makes very little effort conversation wise) and the bill arrives.

Friend & her new partner put £60 in, but bill is only £100. So I change her £10 for two fivers so we each put £55 in, to cover a tip.

Amid me changing the £10 DH comments I'm making it 'very bloody complicated' (?) Thus embarressing me. I'm self conscious, anxious and always think I'm in the wrong anyway so I felt like a tit, just trying to do the right thing so it was equal.

Back home, I bring it up he embarrassed me and he got defensive, we argued and he gave a fake apology 'sorry you're upset'.

Happy to be told I'm in the wrong here.

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 27/12/2018 22:47

He was being a knob, you were doing the right thing

Thewifipasswordis · 27/12/2018 22:47

Bit oversensitive OP. Most people would just say "Oh do shut up, Dear" and carry on as normal.

Ghanagirl · 27/12/2018 22:49

YANBU he was plus also bit tight.

topcat2014 · 27/12/2018 22:49

You did the right thing. I went to a mea l the other week and put in cash including a tip. Final payer topped up with a card to the value of the receipt..

I am the best paid of the group, but even so the staff missed out on a tip

UserName31456789 · 27/12/2018 22:49

He was being a bit of a knob, I do think it's not on to put your partner down like that in public, unless you're really good at quick witted come backs it's hard to know how to respond. You don't want to start a barbed exchange in front of your friends so you have to go along with it.

JollyGiraffe · 27/12/2018 22:50

'I'm self conscious, anxious and always think I'm in the wrong anyway'

You need to work on this. Otherwise people will always be treading on eggshells around you and that's not a fun way to live for any involved.

Your DP made an innocent joke. You should probably apologise to him for overreacting.

Original poster
Outwards · 27/12/2018 22:50

Yeah he would have been happy with £60/£40 and he hates leaving a tip. I hate not leaving a tip.

Sigh. He's hard work.

OP posts:
Casmama · 27/12/2018 22:52

Maybe he was a bit embarrassed as the other couple seemed willing to tip £10 per couple but you changed so that each of you only tipped £5.
Anyway, a bit rude of him and a bit touchy of you I would say.

Original poster
Outwards · 27/12/2018 22:52

@JollyGiraffe I'm in recovery from cPTSD so yeah I'm working on it.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 27/12/2018 22:52

It's odd you are doubting yourself - you were right, he was wrong. Clear as day.

Casmama · 27/12/2018 22:53

Sorry Outwards, cross posts. In that case he's cheap and rude. Sorry about the PTSD.

HollowTalk · 27/12/2018 22:57

He'd be happy that he brought nothing to the conversation and that your friends then subbed him a tenner for the meal?

JollyGiraffe · 27/12/2018 22:57

Flowers Are you having therapy to help you? I really hope your DH is supportive, but the tone of your original post reads as if this is something he does often.

You mentioned he made little effort conversation wise, then made an awkward comment- it sounds like he's the one that should be embarrassed! Of course you did the right thing, but from his side I wouldn't read it as him trying to embarrass you . Perhaps it was a lighthearted attempt at humour as he felt awkward. But then it's hard to tell as i don't know him!

Original poster
Outwards · 27/12/2018 23:02

I'm in trauma therapy - it's slow going but I wanted to say in my OP about being anxious etc as I'm really prone to being over sensitive.

Oh he never makes effort when socialising, he doesn't have any friends, and I guess it's only now I'm going out more and seeing people again that I'm noticing how little he puts in.

It was the way he said it too (I know, I know) but really shitly.

Meh. He's gone to bed now in a huff.

OP posts:
JollyGiraffe · 27/12/2018 23:05

Will this relationship be helpful in your recovery? It doesn't sound like it is. May be something to consider but tough when you're going through a hard time.

I wonder if he might be holding you back from recovery

Original poster
Outwards · 27/12/2018 23:05

@Casmama no you're right I am being a bit touchy I think. I'm happier to think it's me being unreasonable because at least I can work on myself.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/12/2018 23:15

I'm happier to think it's me being unreasonable because at least I can work on myself.

You taking the blame for everything won't help.

Why is he so unsociable? Do you ever pull him up on his rudeness?

Miljah · 27/12/2018 23:16

My DH doesn't tip. He's Australian. I don't so much mind if it's just us, I can, as we leave, slip some cash on the saucer; but in a group, I find it embarrassing and have to hiss at him!

FortunesFave · 27/12/2018 23:17

I would have put 60 in too and called the remainder a tip.

Butteredghost · 27/12/2018 23:18

He was being rude, but don't over think it. Maybe he was having an off night but at least you split the bill fairly and the staff got a tip so no harm done.

DishingOutDone · 27/12/2018 23:22

Erm, JollyGiraffe in your first response you typed Your DP made an innocent joke. You should probably apologise to him for overreacting.

I think its you who needs to apologise isn't it?

nicenewdusters · 27/12/2018 23:27

He sounds like really hard work OP. Is he the kind of person who hopes that by being awkward and not making an effort you won't set up further social events? Is he positive about your therapy ?

JollyGiraffe · 27/12/2018 23:28

DishingOut have you RTFT..? The OP didn't give the back story in the original post.

Any reason you're picking on me? I have given the OP kind and helpful advice.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2018 23:29

He's a twat, you did the right thing, guess he's tight as well.
I couldn't have left it that the friend and her BF had picked up more than half the tab, unless they'd had massively more than you 2 had!

But still, if you'd agreed to split the bill then it's more usual to do it evenly and you still did the right thing.

Can't be doing with tightarses.

tolerable · 27/12/2018 23:32

also in recovery(staying non specific)-sometimes..or sliding back down. some days are amazng.some days i cany beleve i forget how bad it gets. overthink all the wrong stuff-oblivious to the relevant-at times. always go back to my dads words of wisdom 1.keep the heid.2.they mistake kindness as daftness.3.pick your fights 4.stand up n be counted....two mates added 5.all yoyr fk ups are epic and 6. people treat you how you let them. ...also.. write it (good,bad n uglt)down(do not leave anyplae accessible-.it takes the sting outta thinking it,in loops..theres stuff i dont wanna say aloud.to anyone ever paper burns n ashes are...dust....i find it helps-sometimes simple realisations(fuck off ya prick)make huge differences.good luck.he was twatty.sneak in gi him a bj..fuck his head up squared...

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