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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be embarrassed by DH

60 replies

Outwards · 27/12/2018 22:45

Out with a friend, her new BF, me & my DH.

Nice meal, chat away (DH makes very little effort conversation wise) and the bill arrives.

Friend & her new partner put £60 in, but bill is only £100. So I change her £10 for two fivers so we each put £55 in, to cover a tip.

Amid me changing the £10 DH comments I'm making it 'very bloody complicated' (?) Thus embarressing me. I'm self conscious, anxious and always think I'm in the wrong anyway so I felt like a tit, just trying to do the right thing so it was equal.

Back home, I bring it up he embarrassed me and he got defensive, we argued and he gave a fake apology 'sorry you're upset'.

Happy to be told I'm in the wrong here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Outwards · 27/12/2018 23:33

@DishingOutDone Jolly has been really helpful, I didn't give further details in my OP about my anxiety so that was my fault, and Jolly was right anyway - I have been over-sensitive. I did cause a row about his one comment. I should have handled it better.

OP posts:

SnowyPaws5 · 27/12/2018 23:35

OP, he was being rude but it was just a throwaway comment. You're overthinking it.

AwdBovril · 27/12/2018 23:36

"I'm sorry you're upset." That's bollocks. A person should either apologise, or have confidence in their position, explain why they disagree, but not apologise. It's essentially saying you're in the wrong but they (he) hasn't the balls to defend their position, or he knows he's wrong & is deliberately being a twat by making it your fault.

People who say this are, IME, arseholes.

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/12/2018 23:39

Deciding not to tip yourself is one thing. I would tip but whatever. Topping up so that you are essentially stealing someone else's tip is really bad. Looks cheap and like you're profiting form your friends.

BeanTownNancy · 27/12/2018 23:39

It's not your fault he finds basic maths "overly complicated". I'd have said as much to my husband if he tried to belittle me like that, but I understand you've got some anxiety issues. Work on standing up for yourself, not just taking abuse without getting upset. ❤️

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2018 23:42

Outwards - I disagree that you have done anything wrong - your DH did behave in an embarrassingly tight way, that probably gave a bad impression to the new BF - ok, YOU didn't have to take on that embarrassment because it wasn't you, it was your DH, but still.

Maybe you should have reacted slightly differently in putting the embarrassment where it belonged and telling your DH that HE looked really tight, rather than saying it as to how it affected you - that might have been more appropriate, but other than that, pulling him up on his behaviour was reasonable.

And no, it didn't even sound like a jokey comment at all, regardless of how he said it.

Original poster

Outwards · 27/12/2018 23:46

Thanks Bean. I didn't think it was exactly genius stuff! I just didn't want my friend out of pocket and subbing us.

It honestly would never even occur to me to come back with a comment - my default reaction is being upset. It's automatic. This was the first social event I've had in months I don't think I'll try again for a while.

I text my friend to apologise for making things complicated and if I made it awkward.

OP posts:

JollyGiraffe · 27/12/2018 23:52

Please do keep socialising OP - apart form your DH it sounds like it went really well and you had a nice time.

Try socialising without your DH, I'm sure you'll habe a much better time as it doesnt seem he contributed anything positive!

Paranoiasettingin · 27/12/2018 23:56

Imo he was a dick. Id have said calmly ' so whats complicated about it?' would have made him look dim and turned the tables. Just put it behind you. Yr friends will realise that he was in the wrong. You shouldnt have to apologise for him.

Original poster

Outwards · 27/12/2018 23:57

Thanks Jolly, yeah he's such a grump when we're out maybe going by myself next time is the way forward!

He's a different person at home.

Typical, he's sound asleep snoring and I'm tense about it all.

OP posts:

Holidayshopping · 27/12/2018 23:59

Why would he have been happy with £60/£40?

Did they drink and eat a different amount to you? Or is he very tight?

JollyGiraffe · 28/12/2018 00:01

How strange, is he shy or just rude?!

Did your friend reply to your text? If it makes you feel better I doubt she even gave his comment a second thought!

Maybe you should arrange a coffee with her or something in the new year :)

llangennith · 28/12/2018 00:09

OP please stop engaging with JollyGiraffe. They're talking bollocks.

JollyGiraffe · 28/12/2018 00:14

Looks like DishingOut has name changed I've hardly said anything different from anyone else ..

TornFromTheInside · 28/12/2018 00:19

You did nothing wrong.
I suspect he didn't immediate grasp the maths behind it and just thought it all a bit 'confusing' (to him). He should have left you to it.

You did what I suspect 90% of couples would do - split the bill 50/50 and include a tip - also split 50/50. There's usually a little bit of debate whilst everybody works out the maths and then all agree on what's needed to pay. It's 30 seconds max.

He simply didn't have to say what he said.

Original poster

Outwards · 28/12/2018 00:21

Jolly, looks like you've got a fan!

He's reserved. But I am too, and I think if I can make the effort when I just want to run home to feel safe, then he can try to make conversation instead of just sitting back? And then when he did show signs of life, it's not exactly with a nice comment.

My friend replied saying don't be daft and invited us to stay at her new place in the New Year. All's not lost.

OP posts:

JollyGiraffe · 28/12/2018 00:25

He should make the effort too, but well done for not running back home!

And great about the new year's invite- sounds like you have no reason to worry!

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/12/2018 00:35

He hates leaving a tip and is hard work? Sounds like my soon-to-be-Ex....

Italiangreyhound · 28/12/2018 00:58

"He's hard work." He sounds it. Sorry about the PTSD. I think you were 100% right about the money.

I've not had this but heard very good things about this...

"Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR)
Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is a relatively new treatment that's been found to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.

It involves making side-to-side eye movements, usually by following the movement of your therapist's finger, while recalling the traumatic incident.

Other methods may include the therapist tapping their finger or playing a tone.

It's not clear exactly how EMDR works, but it may help you change the negative way you think about a traumatic experience."

www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment/

Sorry, I know you did not post about this.

selepele · 28/12/2018 04:42

He was wrong so unnecessary

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2018 05:16

He sounds like hard work, he makes no effort in the conversation then doesn't want to leave a tip, you can do better op

pomobrokemypogo · 28/12/2018 06:10

I totally disagree with Jollygiraffe'. You were doing exactly the right thing. He was being an arse, and not joking, and belittling you in front of friends. I would have thought he was the weird one - and tight with money.

I knew someone who would do this kind of thing and it was actually that they that felt embarrassed and awkward, and became hostile as a response, projecting their own feelings onto others, showing people up and making others feel bad. Not on at all. Any one would feel anxious and self conscious spending time with a person who does this. They are the ones who make others walk on eggshells and being around that is not going to help anyone recover from cPTSD. The opposite in fact.

I'm concerned that you are so quick to agree with posters who say you are to blame, or like JollyGiraffe suggest that you should apologise to him

See your friend and other people, without him as much as you can, and I think you'll soon see what others think compared to him. Most posters here say you were right and normal. If you can be with kind, easy going people more often, then you can start to reduce your underlying levels of stress as you won't be constantly compensating for or expecting his criticisms. This should really help to reset your thoughts and worries and habitual reactions.

EMDR can help (less so with cPTSD I think, but still) but won't work so well if one is constantly exposed to stress and unpredictable unpleasantness in a relationship at home. A sense of secure safety (calm, relaxed, grounded, steady, predictable, gentle, loving, tolerant) is central to recovering from PTSD. Sometimes people with cPTSD never had that feeling of safety (or not for long enough), so it is both more important to find it, and to recognise that it may feel alien where constant stress/peril (and being wrongly blamed) feels normal.

Enjoy New Year with your friend

JollyGiraffe · 28/12/2018 07:00

pomo Fancy reading my other replies...?

TheBigFatMermaid · 28/12/2018 09:06

It seems to me, his intention was to show you up. So yes, he wanted to embarrass you.

What I also think is that if I were with you at the time, I would have thought 'What a nasty piece of work' and made no judgement of you at all. So this would have rebound a lot on him.

Original poster

Outwards · 28/12/2018 09:10

Just to update, DH woke up this morning and apologised first thing. He said he didn't mean to embarress me, he was genuinely a bit lost and thought it worked out that we owed my friend some money (?).

I apologised for making a bigger thing of it than I should have, but explained how he could have reacted differently if he was confused - like sorting it out himself rather than a negative comment aimed towards me.

Thanks to PP for the EMDR recommendation! I'll bring it up with my therapist to see if it's something she does or if she can reccommend someone, willing to give anything a try to help.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

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