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Original poster

Did we expect too much from 5 year old?

58 replies

Racheyg · 27/12/2018 21:41

Not sure if we expect too much from 5 year old ds?

He was playing upstairs with his cousin (6) and his younger brother (3) I'm in the kitchen so couldn't hear anything. All of a sudden dh called out for me. I run upstairs and ds2 is in tears blood streaming down his face, with a huge gash to his head. Both ds1 and cousin say they don't know how it happened. Me and dh take ds2 to hospital and leave ds1 with in-laws.

Once ds2 is calmer we asked what happened he tells us that he was being spun on a chair and he fell off and hit his head on brass handles. After 4hrs in A&E ds2 is stitched up and set home.

In the mean time dh tells me he over heard ds1 say to cousin "oh now we can play on our own" I found this quite upsetting that he could be so mean. Dh was angry.

Are we expecting too much from a 5 year old to understand that when someone is hurt/bleeding you comfort/worried about them? Is it a sibling thing?

For context We did hear that while me and dh were at the hospital ds1 was worried and threw up everywhere and needed a lie down. (He has only ever been sick twice in his life)

Please be kind not sure as I'm worried my ds1 is growing up to be mean

OP posts:
Kokapetl · 27/12/2018 21:47

My 5 year old DS is similar. I find it worrying too but I think it is normal at that age. Partly they don't understand how to react even if they are upset so just carry on as usual. Partly they're very self-centred at that age.

TweeBee · 27/12/2018 21:49

What a nasty shock OP. Hope DS is ok now. About your son’s comment that now they could play on their own - my friend had a late stillbirth and was devastated but trying to put a brave face on for her DC, who told her it was good really because they didn’t need a bigger car now. I think it is fairly common for young children to lack empathy like this.

Original poster
Racheyg · 27/12/2018 21:51

Thanks @Kokapetl he can just be so mean and his brother is always like "dont forget ds1" I'm hoping it's just a 5 year old thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Racheyg · 27/12/2018 21:52

Thanks @TweeBee wow your poor friend. I guess they learn empathy with age and experience

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/12/2018 21:53

many 5 year olds won't be able to fully empathise yet so won't be able to think about how much it must have hurt his ds or how sad he might be. Worth a chat about how his ds would have felt and why that was not a kind thing to say. Not worth much thought beyond that imo.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/12/2018 21:54

A 5 yr old cannot understand the ramifications of what happened and what he then said. The "oh now we can play on our own" may have been a comment meant to make them (him and cousin) feel better in the face of feeling quite upset and scared over the situation (and maybe a bit of guilt if he was spinning the chair).

If this is a one off situation I'd let it go. If there are other incidences then you need to work on modelling the behaviour you want your DS to show.

Thewifipasswordis · 27/12/2018 21:55

They're clinically psychos until around 6 and a half/7. That's when they start showing much more empathy.

EvaHarknessRose · 27/12/2018 21:57

Don’t forget there is another complex dynamic at play here, trying to ‘one-up’ ds2 for cousin’s attention. He will act differently in different social contexts until he develops.

Original poster
Racheyg · 27/12/2018 22:00

@ShawshanksRedemption this is the first time ds1 has seen any kind of injury/blood. They also weren't honest with what happened straight away.

We had a good chat and he said afterwards he was worried but not sure if that was because both me & dh left without him. We have empathise to him that any accident big or small needs honesty and need to show you care etc. I think he understands it was serious and he keeps talking about it.

Not sure whether to not mention it again or make sure ds1 really does understand

OP posts:
JustTwoMoreSecs · 27/12/2018 22:00

I wouldn’t be surprised if mine reacted like that. They show empathy sometimes but clearly not always.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/12/2018 22:01

his db i mean

Original poster
Racheyg · 27/12/2018 22:02

@Thewifipasswordis god is that true??

@EvaHarknessRose yes this was also my thought as ds2 is more "sociable" and maybe ds1 felt a little left out?

OP posts:
Happygolucky009 · 27/12/2018 22:02

I wouldn't worry but I would supervise more as 5 yr olds are most likely to think about consequences after the event.

I didn't allow my children to play upstairs until they got to around 6 and even then I was always very cautious. I would say allowing a 5 yr old unsupervised access with an older cousin and their sibling was the issue. With my children, I know that with 3 children unsupervised, the youngest will always either come out crying or come out fighting! Whichever way you look at it, I would need tissues!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/12/2018 22:02

i think dont mention it again now. 5 is very little

youarenotkiddingme · 27/12/2018 22:03

At 5yo they tend to just say what they are thinking. They haven't developed empathy.

The truth is they could then play on their own. Doesn't mean he was pleased about his brother getting hey so they could iyswim?

Original poster
Racheyg · 27/12/2018 22:03

Thanks @garethsouthgatesmrs

OP posts:
Dermymc · 27/12/2018 22:03

I think it's pretty common for this lack of empathy. All he sees is what he has gained from the situation. He's too small to fully understand the consequences.

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2018 22:05

I think it's just they don't understand, I recall playing frisby with a hub cap we found, myself and my little brother when we were little, and it hit my little brothers nose and he had to go to hospital, and my parents were very angry with me, and I couldn't understand, I hadn't done it on purpose and I didn't understand the pain or potential damage thing because I simply hadn't been in that situation myself

I doubt he's growing up to be mean, more it was an accident, he didn't admit it because he didn't want you to be angry, he doesn't understand rhe injury issue and was trying to blase it off in front of his big cousin

I wouldn't worry.

Original poster
Racheyg · 27/12/2018 22:18

@Happygolucky009 we don't normally let them play unsupervised I was in the kitchen thinking they were in the lounge with dh and other family members.

Thanks everyone it's great to know that I abu. I think sometimes I need to take a step back and remind myself he is only 5, even though he talks like a twenty year old 😂

OP posts:
TheWildRumpyPumpus · 27/12/2018 22:23

DS1 said with zero sadness at about 6 ‘when Grandma and Grandpa die we can have their house’ Blush...

Empathy takes a while to develop and I can safely say he wouldn’t say the same thing now aged 11!

CantstandmLMs · 27/12/2018 22:24

I'm a nanny and have witnessed some really "psycho" (using it light-heartedly!) behaviour from under 7's! This comment from your DS doesn't surprise me. You can explain to your ds why this comment is not very nice and about empathy to try and encourage it.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 27/12/2018 22:25

Similar happened with my children, the older DD laughed it off (younger DS had to have general anaesthetic and stitches). I think it was nervous laughter, my DD did feel bad but not straight away, it was only later on she realised the seriousness. Accidents happen though, children play and 9 out of 10 times, nobody gets hurt.

OohOohMrPeevly · 27/12/2018 22:27

When my son was 5 and I was pregnant with my daughter, we went to see the midwife and she detected something wrong with the baby's heartbeat and said I should go straight over to the hospital for further checks. My son kept saying on the car journey to hospital "but I don't care if there's something wrong with the baby's heart - I want to go home and watch Pokemon". Many years later he's a very devoted big brother.

Lweji · 27/12/2018 22:27

You were definitely expecting too much by leaving three under 6 alone upstairs. Don't assume you know what they're doing by what you can hear.

A 3 year old is quite different from a 5/6 year old and it's not surprising they found the 3 year old an extra wheel, and possibly treated him like a toy, more than a playmate.

I don't think saying "now we can play alone" shows they hurt him on purpose or lack of empathy. It looks more like an observation.

Tiredofit · 27/12/2018 22:27

I was 6 when my granny, who lived with us, died. My mum was dreading telling me. Apparently the first thing I said was “can I have her bed now”. I discovered this when I was telling my mum of a similarly unsympathetic remark my son had made on discovering his beloved granny was in hospital. I think it’s quite normal. Both my son and I are very caring humans now.

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