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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if middle class children appear more ‘scruffy’

999 replies

Workingclass · 27/12/2018 19:02

Went to a Childs party today for an old school friends DD (they are incredibly middle class) and her group of mum friends (who are equally as middle class)

I admit I don’t usually socialise in many middle class circles but I couldn’t help but notice that all of the children looked... scruffy, for want of a better word.

None of them had brushed their hair, they were all in mismatched clothes with muck on their faces. Didn’t look bathed..

I feel awful saying it, but I notice this also with the MC children at the DC school, has anyone else noticed it? I’m just curious as to why this seems to be a thing? Does my dds plaits and dresses ‘out’ her as having a working class family?

Is it more of a privilege thing? We don’t have much money so am weary of being judged as lazy by not doing her hair, I also make an effort to dress her nicely so she doesn’t look like ‘the poor kid’ is it that if your middle class you don’t have that fear?

Absolutely happy to be told IABU and judgemental but I am genuinely curious on the subject.

OP posts:
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6
Travisandthemonkey · 27/12/2018 20:48

It’s reverse snobbery really
My mother would rather die than own a BMW

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/12/2018 20:48

Working class people prioritise spending on their kids clothes and equipment. Middle class people prioritise spending on themselves.

Sometimes middle class parenting is simply neglectful though. 20 minutes going through your kids' wardrobe twice a year and a quick session online shopping will ensure they have sufficient clothes that are in decent condition and fit well. Similarly a couple of minutes dunking in the shower once a day, brushing hair, clipping fingernails once a week. Inappropriate shoes (wellies for kids who are trying to run around and climb trees) are just annoying and potentially hazardous. And dirty shoes just look bad however middle class and above criticism you think you are.

Bumblebee39 · 27/12/2018 20:48

I think this is a thing

Some of my friends are firmly working class, and some are middle class but don't really realise it
The WC ones tend to take more pride in their appearance, and their children's, whereas the middle class ones tend to take more pride in academic achievements
Eg. Friend a "look at X, doesn't he look handsome in his football gear"
Friend b "look at Y receiving her grade 3 violin certificate"

That's not to say there isn't a groomed middle class or a scruffy working class, but it is something I have come across frequently as someone who has always been just on the working/middle class boundary (the working class side more often)

FennyBridges · 27/12/2018 20:51

#formerbabe because my son is eight and he has gorgeous, thick, wavy brown hair and he wants to grow it. In the blink of an eye he'll be a man with a profession and he'll have to have it cut smartly and as best as might be possible!

Maryjoyce · 27/12/2018 20:52

Royals are upper class.

Lol

Not since Markle joined them they aren’t.

iseecabbages · 27/12/2018 20:52

Nothing wrong with wearing hand me downs, but your class will determine how it’s perceived.
Princess Charlotte seems to wear a few of George’s old clothes, in this one she’s wearing one of his old jumpers, all perfectly fine because we know they’ve got plenty of cash and Kate’s comes out looking very down to earth. If it had been a working class family people would be judging them and saying they can’t afford to clothe their children that’s why wc kids look immaculate.

To wonder if middle class children appear more ‘scruffy’
BollockingBaubles · 27/12/2018 20:53

Class is another one of those things where the ones in the group with the privileges think because something isn't as bad as it used to be then it's almost none existent in 2018.

It's easier for those in middle or upper classes to say someone's class doesn't matter to them, that it's 2018 so we should be obsessed with it or whatever, but there's still a lot of shame and disadvantages and shitty attitudes towards the poor.

Just like it's easier for white people to say they don't notice colour and racism isn't as bad as hundreds of years ago. Or for men to say women are equal now and shouldn't keep fighting for equality when it's just not true.

Yes, it's all a lot better but there's still a very long way to go. Class, racism, sexism, disablism etc are all very much still alive in 2018. I wish it wasn't but it is.

Camomila · 27/12/2018 20:54

formerbabe in my case it’s because DS (2.8) is really scared of the hairdressers. It’s always clean but I only get it cut when it gets to mullet/fringe in the eyes stage. And even then it’s only a quick trim with scissors.

I do like floppy hair on younger boys though, it’s sweet.

ToeToToe · 27/12/2018 20:54

Can I ask if you're middle class and your son had longish, scruffy hair...why is that? Is it a conscious choice? If so, why?

Yes, I am one such MC mum. 1) My boys hated haircuts. 2) They hated having their hair done. 3) They liked long hair (it wasn't that long tbh, just a bit floppy) 4) A lot of their friends had hair like that. It was def "cool" at their school.

noworklifebalance · 27/12/2018 20:55

Can I ask if you're middle class and your son had longish, scruffy hair...why is that? Is it a conscious choice? If so, why?

This is my son, because:

  • it so far down my list of priorities that it falls off the page until my son complains his hair is tickling his neck/ears or he gets sweaty from it in the summer
  • he has very thick hair
  • he looks super handsome to me
  • my parents are/were obsessed with having neat smart hair so I automatically do the oppoisite -yes, I am that infantile-

And our cars are both over 10 years old and are very bog standard but we do have two cars.
We rarely buy designer, whereas those with much less income that I know well have the latest designer handbags and are immaculately turned out - no idea how they afford it but that's none of my business.

However, our house (ground floor) is immaculate whenever people come over and full of Ikea furniture and supermarket accessories that go really well together to look great but it means I don't stress if the kids use the sofa as a trampoline or make a den out of the cushions.

TeachesOfPeaches · 27/12/2018 20:55

I think MC still very much play to expectations and rules, it's the UMC who truly do not give a shit and the children are effectively feral (when not in very expensive boarding school).

raisinsraisins · 27/12/2018 20:56

When I went to a mc university in the early ‘90s it was fashionable for the students to look scruffy with layered, loose fitting clothes, although expensive brands might also be worn. It was really old fashioned to wear lots of make up and make too much effort to dress up. Whereas the “townies”, the locals, would go out at night dressed up with high heels and tight dresses.

30 years later my old university friends now have scruffy Boden children, whereas my new wc friends where I live have much smarter looking children.

stayathomer · 27/12/2018 20:57

I think where you think 'scruffy' I think 'natural' and I will always notice the kids who look very 'done.' So the kids who's hair is fully scraped back and are wearing clothes that stand out. We'd be middle class in wage I think, but would always buy non descript unbranded clothes, so plain coloured long sleeve or short sleeve t-shirts from Pennys, Dunnes or Tesco,dark coloured trousers or tracksuit bottoms, that sort of thing. Something about these threads makes me feel very uncomfortable, I suppose it's the things people think but do not say thing

GenerationSnowflake · 27/12/2018 20:57

Not since Markle joined them they aren’t

Meghan is as part of the Upper Class royal as Kate is now that they married into it. The real upper class was Diana anyway.

olympic19 · 27/12/2018 20:58

I havent RTFT but I agree completely, OP. Being middle class gives you security in that you don't need to be concerned about being seen as the "poor" ones. Same as Christmas gifts - IME the wealthier the family, the fewer gifts given. My solidly WC family of origin (Northern council estates in the main) think my (very MC) kids are deprived because they don't get masses of gifts and are often wearing second hand clothes. My mother cringes when I tell her i got clothes from a consignment store, because when she was young, she wore hand me downs -and not through choice.

formerbabe · 27/12/2018 20:58

The car thing is funny too.

My dad wouldn't wash the car because he considered it a very lower middle class thing to do.

RelativePitch · 27/12/2018 20:59

I remember in the 80s my parents and their friends tutting about the nouveaux riches. I think it made them even more determined to stay in their battered cars and worn out clothes. There was a class divide within the MC.

willdoitinaminute · 27/12/2018 21:00

Teenage boys hair is definitely tribal. DS school (private ) are very prescriptive about hair style nothing below collar but no shaved/artistic cuts. The boys trend at present is very short sides with a flop or messy nest on top.
As for clothing obvious designer labels suggests new money, quality but scruffy looking (practical and hard wearing) equals established middle class. Established middle class would never dress there kids in obvious Gucci or Burberry that would be ultra naf and seen as a total waste of money. It is likely to be seen as fake (so much of it around) and that would be a major faux pas. Oh and having a scrubbed clean child is definitely a give away.
Sorry all a bit tongue in cheek but your right about there being a middle class code.
There is a serious culture of looking down ones nose at parents who give their children the latest iPhone model. I have been involved in many conversations regarding which iPhone model I will be getting my DS. Like many it was chosen for economic reasons and the fact he bloody looses so much stuff. Much as he’d like to show off the latest gadgets it’s not a quality I want to encourage and I haven’t got deep pockets. It also doesn’t make your child popular with their peers.

UnnecessaryFennel · 27/12/2018 21:00

Can I ask if you're middle class and your son had longish, scruffy hair...why is that? Is it a conscious choice? If so, why?

Because he hated the hairdresser and wasn't applying to the army. It was a non-issue.

noworklifebalance · 27/12/2018 21:01

Television

  • the number, the size, how frequently they are upgraded etc says something about an individual and it's nothing to do with class or wealth. In a similar way, I think, to cars in the mid-luxury bracket.
Neverunderfed · 27/12/2018 21:02

Can I ask if you're middle class and your son had longish, scruffy hair...why is that? Is it a conscious choice? If so, why?

I've always just kind of forgotten to get it cut until it is proper shaggy. Dh takes him sometimes when he goes, but he has such a mop of thick hair that it doesn't take long before it is shaggy again. The only time he has had a sharp cut was when DD cut half of it off one day and we had to short back and sides it to get it level.

My daughter has amazing hair, caramel streaks that go way blonder in the sun, thick and straight. Before she started asserting herself more I used to keep it shoulder length with a fringe normally to keep it out of her eyes, but she likes it longer now and at 8 it is her choice.

We used to home educate and this 'look' was rife. I guess my kids would fit, they are bathed and not smelly but often have twigs in their hair and somewhat faded clothes. Wellies are worn with everything, unless one of them has been at the stables/on the beach.

The baby probably needs a haircut. He's only 14 months but is following in his brother's footsteps...he was sporting a topknot today like a mini BamBam baby 😂

flossietoot · 27/12/2018 21:02

teachesofpeaches- spot on

MissWilmottsGhost · 27/12/2018 21:03

I don't think the whole middle class "look" is contrived as some are making out to be

I think it's the opposite, they just aren't bothered.

DD spent the first 2 years of her life in hand me downs. I bought nothing new for her at all, no need as friends passed on their baby stuff. I put DD in clothes from both boys and girls, she was too little to care and I wasn't bothered if people guessed her sex wrong.

When DD out grew stuff I offered it on to a financially struggling friend who i thought would be glad of the freebies, but she was absolutely horrified at the idea of putting her baby in clothes that weren't brand new and correctly gendered, as she thought people would think she didn't care about her baby.

People who are really poor hate looking poor, people who aren't poor don't care if they look it.

DuggeeDuggeeDuggDugg · 27/12/2018 21:03

Can I ask if you're middle class and your son had longish, scruffy hair...why is that? Is it a conscious choice? If so, why?

DS is only 18 months, so it's not quite at that stage yet, but I'll let him decide what he wants. Partly because DP has long, scruffy hair, and I have short short hair, so it's not like he'll have the usual associations of hair length and gender. And partly because I'm quite fond of long hair on small children.

Mammylamb · 27/12/2018 21:07

I think you’re right. I was brought up working class, but probably a wee bit more middle class now.

On the council estate I was brought up on, all the kids were dressed up for a party.

At parties with middle clas friends, the kids do tend to look scruffy (and often in need of a haircut)

A friend got her hair cut as she didn’t want to wear it in a “mum bun” and fern judged for it. I told her there’s nothing wrong with mum buns; I wear one all the time. She laughed and said that I won’t get judged for it, as I live in a big house. Strangely, I knew what she meant