Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(More) Money for adult children

104 replies

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 27/12/2018 13:27

DSD has just has (another) car accident. Her fault. Her insurance excess is 2k because she wanted a very low premium and because of her previous claims.

DH got a call from his Ex today asking if he will pay half because she is broke. We recently all spoke about DSD’s continuing financial crises and agreed that enough was enough, no more bank of mum and dad. But they are now both wavering. To be fair, this is something I think is significant enough to want to help with however it comes at the end of a very expensive year in which we have already given her thousands (literally, thousands).

Phone call from Ex was followed by DH calling DSD. DSD did not ask us for the money, she just assumed it would be forthcoming. The word ‘please’ was not used in the conversation but she’ll let us know when she needs the money so we can transfer it directly to her account.

Would it be unreasonable to say ‘hell, no’ based on previous expenditure and lack of manners?

Am I being unreasonable even thinking that because I do recognise how useful a car is and that it makes her life significantly easier?

The assumption is that it would be a gift. Would it be unreasonable to insist on a written loan agreement with family? I don’t think it is likely to be paid back but perhaps if she officially owed us money, she would think twice about demanding more?

I absolutely recognise that I am becoming quite judgemental of her but the assumptions, lack of manners and lack of gratitude for the thousands she has received thus far are beginning to grate on me. Help me see this clearly!

OP posts:
lilybetsy · 27/12/2018 14:47

no no no.

Witchend · 27/12/2018 14:50

I would leave it to the parents unless he comes to talk it through with you, otherwise you end up being wicked step etc.

However, I think sitting down and talk finances with her is a good idea. If you always have just paid up, not paying up is going (to her) seem like you suddenly got mean. I assume you didn't tell her when you decided you weren't going to pay any more?

If you always pay up it does become expected, and I think that's where people do suddenly become "entitled". Because they say "I need", they get it, so the next time it's just "give me it" because rather than them thinking it's a bonus, it's an expected.
Once it's expected, then they don't need to be grateful or ask nicely because it's as good as theirs already.

I'd suggest telling her that you don't really have the money for this (again). However you are prepared to give X amount this time, or to loan Y amount to be paid back over the next 2 years. And make it clear that next time it will be a full no.
If you already told her no more was coming, then just a no is fine.

MaxTeyon · 27/12/2018 14:52

Is her car a write off? If so tell her she will have to use the the settlement to buy a cheaper car.

cuppycakey · 27/12/2018 14:52

YANBU

I agree with PP this is something you need to have a serious talk with Dh about.

Puggles123 · 27/12/2018 14:52

I would discuss having separate money with your DH tbh, I know some people are saying it’s between the parents, but not really if you share finances. Protect yourself and then he can do what he wants provided he can still contribute what he needs to to your household etc.

Ellisandra · 27/12/2018 14:53

30?
No fucking way.
And as she’s so careless with her cars... £2K excess? That would BUY a car outright. And not an old banger, either.
TBH, with that many car accidents if spend £2K on lessons before I gave it away for car repairs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2018 14:53

No is a complete sentence.
NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 27/12/2018 14:55

YANBU

If DH wants to give her the money you need to tell him that finances are going to be split from now on.

Is DSD working? Could she manage without a car? Does she have children who would suffer if her parents don’t give or loan her the money?

whatnametouse · 27/12/2018 14:55

Don’t do it

I did this with a family member in their early 20s - they didn’t learn a thing as they just always got bailed out - we stopped the 3rd time. Each time she got money from us she would run back out and be back in debt within weeks.

At 30 she is more than able to deal with any mess she has made and work her way out of it

user1486915549 · 27/12/2018 14:56

30 !!!
Hell no. I thought you were going to say 18.
Stop allowing her to be an entitled baby.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2018 15:00

You'd be better off separating your finances rather than trying to tell your H he can't give money to his DD. Even though you have a point, she is his DD, not yours, and the role of greedy, selfish, evil stepmother is not one you want to put yourself int (I am NOT saying you are any of those things, just that if it can be believed that you are the one driving the 'No more handouts' agenda, that's the role you will be landed with.)

Missingstreetlife · 27/12/2018 15:04

Has she been told no more? If yes definately no gift of cash to bail her out, a car is not a necessity for most people. Why is her mum going back on that, and taking on asking dad for more.
If she hasn't had a warning let this be it. Lend the money and never lend again if she doesn't pay it back.

Theoryofmould · 27/12/2018 15:05

Good god no, I've recently told one of my DC, not quite as old as your dsd but not far off, that I'll no longer be bailing them out and they have to grow up and act like the adult they are.

cstaff · 27/12/2018 15:05

30!! Not a chance. This girl needs to learn the real value of money and getting bailed out by the parents every time is doing the complete opposite.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 27/12/2018 15:10

The assumption from a 30 year old with a family of her own that the money would just be forthcoming, without question, is staggering.

I would say no to your DH. It's your money, too, and he committed to not doing this any more ... and yet here he is at the first self-induced 'crisis'...

Jux · 27/12/2018 15:11

If dh asks then tell him "hell, no" and let him take it from there.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 27/12/2018 15:14

My exes mum always bailed him out of any mess he got himself into. The result is a grown 30 something who still relies on mummy and utterly I capable of self responsability

TheBigBangRocks · 27/12/2018 15:19

There is no way her excess is that much. Even young drivers with a voluntary one on top aren't that much.

Upto the parents if they keep bailing her out but she's never going to learn if they do.

LanaorAna2 · 27/12/2018 15:22

No. She's already expecting it which is bad enough.

Get her round for a cup of tea and tell her the party's over because you're genuinely worried she won't be able to cope in life on her own.

eddielizzard · 27/12/2018 15:23

At 30 I think she's old enough to take financial responsibility. Coupled with the entitlement, lack of gratitude and lack of appreciation I would be inclined to say it's a loan, or even not give her any money.

I think the gravy train has to stop.

FrowningFlamingo · 27/12/2018 15:23

Wow, I assumed she’d be in late teens or very early 20s.
I’m 30 and get a lot of help from my parents and just crashed my car. It would never occur to me to ask my parents for the money, unless I wa# really struggling and it was a loan to be paid back ASAP.

LuckyLou7 · 27/12/2018 15:25

Definitely not. She's 30. She should be independent and not relying on bank of mum and dad. I would have been mortified to have my parents bail me out at that age. Where's her pride?

LoubyLou1234 · 27/12/2018 15:26

If this is your money that is going to be used I think you have every right to say No!

You've already discussed it and agreed not to help out anymore. I've never received any family money since I started working in my late teens.

I'd have a calm word with OH explain your feelings again. If he wants to help her out AGAIN, then you agree to split your finances and have a joint account for bills etc. She isn't a teen, but a fully fledged adult who should be standing on her own two feet, not assuming you'll all bail her out time and time again!

brick10 · 27/12/2018 15:27

30??!!

Absolutely not! That’s ridiculous and I’m known to be a softie on kids. She’s not a child , she’s more than an adult and needs to stand on her own two feet - completely! When will it end?! Will it ever? The reason she is like this is because she keeps getting bailed out. She should be mortified to ask not acting entitled.
Speak to your DH.

SpikyHedgehogg · 27/12/2018 15:34

Could your husband realistically say, "we don't have that kind of money"? £1k is an awful lot of money but even presuming that you're comfortably well off (for this to even be a consideration) then it's still something like a whole holiday that you're missing out on.

I'm afraid you have to let your DH take the lead on this, but if he decides to pay then I think you should remove an equal amount of money for your own spending.