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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is rude to not come to my party?

65 replies

experti · 26/12/2018 22:21

My partner has managed to get his parents place for new years eve to host a party. This will be an opportunity for me to meet some of his home friends.

My closest friend of many years knows my partner well. This friend has no plans at all on New Years eve and is single, so will spend the night in their flat most likely, alone.

My partner promised them a bedroom for themselves and lifts from the train station. I live near my friend so could travel together (£20 on train- they are well off).

I invited them 2 months ago and they said yes. Then they voiced fears about spending all that time to come for the party and not knowing many people. So I said don’t worry I’ll be there, as will my partner, and some other friends that they’ve met as much as I have.

I was told “I’m undecided, I’m still thinking about it” “Not sure if I want to come”

This friend is usually my go to party friend, so no issue there.

I finally had to text and find if they were coming as number of bedrooms is obviously limited, so we could let others stay over.

AIBU to think they are rude not to come?

Perhaps not rude to not come, but more rude about how they went about telling me they couldn’t come.

I feel a bit offended that they’d rather be alone in a flat than come and have fun, where all drinks and meals would be free.

OP posts:
Hwory · 26/12/2018 22:24

Going to a party when you don’t know anyone but the host isn’t much fun.

I wouldn’t have said yes if you invited me. Don’t really understand why that would offend you.

I think it’s out of order that they said yes originally though then was waivering between coming or not.

Move2WY · 26/12/2018 22:25

The choice is not thst they’d rather be alone then have fun, but rather be alone than attend a party where they knly know the hosts eho they probably anticipate will be very busy hosting and not ensuring they’re not alone all evening feeling awkward.

JumpingJunipersBatman · 26/12/2018 22:25

Maybe they were trying to tell you they didn't want to come but you weren't picking up on their hints?

I don't think it's rude to politely decline a party invite if you don't want to go.

BalthazarImpresario · 26/12/2018 22:34

This sounds familiar to a friend of mine, they are having a really tough time, they don't need to talk to people about it they just need to put themselves first and hibernate.

However, it's great what you've offered your friend but, it's your party, not theirs and as annoying as non response is, it just isn't as important to them.

You've told them the date, double checked etc, I'd let the rooms go to the people who are wanting to come. If your friend changes their mind and there's no space etc, tough, they knew what was going on.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/12/2018 22:36

I think that what you have to remember is that the only person that she knows is you and you will be busy at least part hosting the party.

thewinkingprawn · 26/12/2018 22:39

I think it’s one of those things where people often say yes when there’s months to go and then regret it nearer the time. It’s not great but with the very best of intentions I have found myself in her position. As your friend I would dread a party like this - it’s got nothing to do with you, it’s just i’d barely know anyone and worse, i’d Be stuck there overnight so couldn’t even leave it it was really awkward and awful for me. I’d let her off the hook and try not to view it too unkindly - see it from her point of view even if the delivery of the letdown was less than ideal.

redcarbluecar · 26/12/2018 22:40

NYE can be a strange one; a lot of pressure to have a great time, which can feel strained if you don’t know many people. Your friend may not have expressed themselves in the ideal way but it’s probably nothing personal and I’d accept them doing what they want.

MorganKitten · 26/12/2018 22:40

If I only knew one person I wouldn’t go.
Are they ha in a bad time? Maybe they want to be alone.

ILoveChristmasLights · 26/12/2018 22:41

I feel a bit offended that they’d rather be alone in a flat than come and have fun, where all drinks and meals would be free

You feel offended ?

How weird. Your friend wants to spend NY doing what they want to do, not propping you up. Get over yourself thinking they should be grateful for ‘free food’.

Oh and just say he/she. All this ‘they’ is just daft.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2018 22:44

You're being very self-absorbed and making this all about you. So she doesn't want to come? Why do you even care? This isn't personal.

melj1213 · 26/12/2018 22:45

It's not rude to decline an invitation.

Your friend accepted but has clearly spent the last couple of months realising they'd rather have a quiet night at home. Perhaps the fact you seemed to have all 'excuses' (nowhere to stay/too far to taxi home/getting from station to house/food costs/not knowing anyone etc) covered meant she felt she had to accept in the moment but is now trying to gently back out without hurting your feelings or saying "idc how much is arranged, I don't want to come" but you're just not taking the hint.

I live alone (when dd is with her dad) and people always invite me to things because "they don't want me to he at home on my own" but sometimes I genuinely would just like a night alone over a party.

This New Year I have work in both NYE and NYD so have no interest in going out partying (even at a family house party) as it's just extra hassle for me. DD and I were both invited to my mum's annual NYE party and if DD wants to go I will drop her off (my mum is happy to have her sleep over and spend NYD with them until I finish work) but I have already told her I wont be going due to work. If DD chooses not to attend then we will have a quiet night at home.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 26/12/2018 22:49

Nope totally fine not to want to go.

She told you sje didnt really want ro go but your jot listening

explodingkitten · 26/12/2018 22:52
  1. It sounds like she has been trying to tell you for ages that she doesn't want to come. If you told her:"but you know me, I'm there" then you kind of made it difficult for her.
  2. It's an invitation, not a summons.
altiara · 26/12/2018 22:53

What’s that classic mumsnet saying.... it’s an invitation NOT a summons.... just putting that out there for you to think about OP...

altiara · 26/12/2018 22:54

Cross post kitten

Pinknike · 26/12/2018 22:57

Yabu, it's not rude at all

LuluBellaBlue · 26/12/2018 22:58

I personally hate NYE and if I was struggling with my mental health the last thing I’d want is to be stuck at a party potentially on someone elses terms (as in can’t come / go as they wish) with a friend and her boyfriend not really knowing anyone else.
It’s my idea of hell and I love a good party!
I’d feel trapped and it would remind me I was single. Have some compassion and try caring for your friend

SushiMonster · 26/12/2018 23:03

Awktsnof people just like to go home to their own bed at the end of a party and not stay over. It’s not the end of the world that they aren’t coming.

katseyes7 · 26/12/2018 23:05

My best friend and her mum have invited me for Christmas for the past three years. lt's so kind of them, but l genuinely cannot face it. l lost both my parents close to Christmas, and l never know how l'm going to feel on the day. The past couple of years, l've been fine. Yesterday was horrendous. l cried all day. l couldn't have gone and sat in a room with people and pretended everything was fine if you'd given me a million pounds.
Personally, l hate New Year's Eve. A lot of people do, for various reasons. l can understand your friend not wanting to come to a party where she doesn't know anyone else except you. lt's very kind of you to offer transport/a bed for the night, but she may feel backed into a corner by it. Please don't take it personally. You may see it as 'fun' but for me it would be a nightmare, and she may feel the same.
Be the good friend, enjoy your party, let her do whatever she is comfortable with, and arrange to do something together in the New Year. l'm sure she'd appreciate that much more.

NotTheFordType · 26/12/2018 23:07

This friend is usually my go to party friend, so no issue there.

Completely different going to a party WITH a friend as opposed to going to said friend's party with her new partner and a bunch of strangers.

For lots of people, parties are boring, pointless and anxiety-making in equal measure.

Add in NYE and you've just added an extra layer of drunk arseholes on top of that, PLUS taxi scarcity and/or overcharging.

(Personally I shall be spending NYE playing Monopoly and watching Netflix with my son, comforting our animals when people with no concept of the nature of time set off fireworks at midnight, then up for work 6am 1st Jan!)

AllIWantForChristmasIsTomHardy · 26/12/2018 23:08

I hate NYE. I get very reflective and low. I no longer go out and friends respect this. Last time I did go out as a friend really made me feel obliged I had an awful time. Filled with tears when I nipped the loo. My friend was full of we will have fun etc we always do. I didnt. Never again

BlueBinDay · 26/12/2018 23:08

Oh and just say he/she. All this ‘they’ is just daft

Isn't it just the most annoying thing in the entire fecking post?
I can't concentrate on the issue, because of this daft 'they' stuff.

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 26/12/2018 23:09

I agree with lots of PPs (not the nasty ones) and would add that NYE is a funny one, beacause it's a party you can't just 'slip awat from if you're not enjoying.... You kinda have to be there til 12. Happened to me one year: new bf was working. Mate said 'come to my mums party. It'll be fun'. Got there. Friend was ill had had gone to bed. Stuck knowing no one, no one knowing me. Literally counted down the seconds until 12.20 (the earliest I calculated i could leave without looking rude)

thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 23:10

What ILoveChristmasLights said. FFS, some people don't want to celebrate the same way. Taking that as a personal slight is drama llama territory, being offended, get a grip! And this that 'they' shit, gimme a fucking break!

thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 23:14

Isn't it just the most annoying thing in the entire fecking post?

Fucking stupid, too, to assume anyone gives a fuck if it's a male or female. I can't think of anything worse than enforced fun (and enforced fun away from home, with a bunch of people I don't know), except maybe so called friends who use you as an adjunct to them (see, proper use of the pronoun, it's plural; 'it' is singular) and their annoying boyfriend or girlfriend, like props to the party of their lives. Netflix is far better company.