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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is rude to not come to my party?

65 replies

experti · 26/12/2018 22:21

My partner has managed to get his parents place for new years eve to host a party. This will be an opportunity for me to meet some of his home friends.

My closest friend of many years knows my partner well. This friend has no plans at all on New Years eve and is single, so will spend the night in their flat most likely, alone.

My partner promised them a bedroom for themselves and lifts from the train station. I live near my friend so could travel together (£20 on train- they are well off).

I invited them 2 months ago and they said yes. Then they voiced fears about spending all that time to come for the party and not knowing many people. So I said don’t worry I’ll be there, as will my partner, and some other friends that they’ve met as much as I have.

I was told “I’m undecided, I’m still thinking about it” “Not sure if I want to come”

This friend is usually my go to party friend, so no issue there.

I finally had to text and find if they were coming as number of bedrooms is obviously limited, so we could let others stay over.

AIBU to think they are rude not to come?

Perhaps not rude to not come, but more rude about how they went about telling me they couldn’t come.

I feel a bit offended that they’d rather be alone in a flat than come and have fun, where all drinks and meals would be free.

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 26/12/2018 23:21

"They" don't want to go. It's a party not a fucking wedding. Let it go!

DeaflySilence · 26/12/2018 23:23

"Oh and just say he/she. All this ‘they’ is just daft."

^ this

thebaronetofcockburn · 26/12/2018 23:25

It's a party not a fucking wedding.

And even that, if you are not one of the two marrying, an invitation.

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2018 23:26

Isn't it just the most annoying thing in the entire fecking post?

Easily. Whereas the fact that OP is "offended" by their friend's decision is merely absurd.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 26/12/2018 23:27

Offended? Get a grip.

thighofrelief · 26/12/2018 23:30

I thought it was a couple? Is it one person? FFS.

Kind of you to invite her, but she is perfectly free to decline. She should have been more assertive though and said she didn't want to rather than giving you excuses which instead of reading you have solved for her. Thereby backing her into a corner.

Friend should grow up though and say clearly "no thank you, I don't want to".

Leeds2 · 26/12/2018 23:31

If I had been your friend in the circumstances you describe, I wouldn't have wanted to go to the party either. But I would have said no straightaway, I do think it is a bit rude to delay telling you.

OyOy · 26/12/2018 23:32

You sound exactly - EXACTLY - like a former friend, or rather frenemy of mine.

To the point if the "friendship" hadn't ended over an almost identical situation three years ago, I would've sworn it was her talking about me!

In truth it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

"go-to party friend"

I was her "go to" for over a decade. She seemed to think it was an honour for me too!

In all the years I knew her never saw me as an equal human being with my own agency - merely an appendage to serve her high maintenance wants and desires

Don't miss her.

lololove · 26/12/2018 23:33

TBH I'd rather spend a night alone rather than at a party where I only really knew one person and another was an acquaintance.

(tbf as a carer I'd kill for a night alone full stop but that's a whole other story ;) )

Bloomini · 26/12/2018 23:46

YABU - it's all me me me! Sounds like you're only bothered about the fact you'll have an opportunity to meet some of his friends rather than ensuring your friend has a good evening.

I don't blame her for not wanting to spend NYE at a) your DPs parents place with the dubious promise of a room and lift from the station and b) at a party in a strange place where she only knows a few people. Is that offer supposed to be irresistible? Nah, I'd rather be at home alone too. Please respect her wishes.

SteamedBadger35 · 26/12/2018 23:50

Don't be offended - lots of people hate NYE and your friend might be one of them. It may be that she would attend the party on a different night of the year?

My favourite new years eves have been spent at my place, alone, or with a couple of friends having a meal and maybe playing some games (I hate the hype of new year's eve parties, and the the not being to bail out early if you're not having fun!). And free food would not be a lure. I just don't like NYE as an event, and avoid it.

Nowadays I have to pretend I have plans as otherwise people invite me to their thing as they can't believe I genuinely want to spend it alone. Then get offended when I don't want to go...

Is there anyone else you can ask?

E20mom · 26/12/2018 23:53

No it's not rude. YABU.

pictish · 27/12/2018 00:02

No it’s not rude to not go to a New Year’s Party where you don’t know anyone apart from the hosts. It’s the prospect of spending the entire night feeling like a spare part with no one to talk to that she’s unsure of you see?
I wouldn’t go.

LuluJakey1 · 27/12/2018 00:03

Nope, not rude. YABU. Get over yourself. You sound as if they should be grateful and as if you are doing them a favour by inviting them. They obviously would prefer their own company and that's up to them. Given the choice I would feel the same.

BlueBinDay · 27/12/2018 00:08

(tbf as a carer I'd kill for a night alone full stop but that's a whole other story ;) )

A whole other story maybe, But I hear you because that's my story too. There are a few of us about.

poppiesallykatie · 27/12/2018 00:10

They are obviously unsure and shy and thinking about it, I wouldn't see it as rude.

BlueBinDay · 27/12/2018 00:38

I feel a bit offended that they’d rather be alone in a flat than come and have fun, where all drinks and meals would be free

Yeah. Well. You need to stop judging others by your own standards.
You might feel like you're playing Lady Bountiful with free meals and drinks, but in the real actual world a lot of us don't care for this pretend bonhomie camaraderie of NYE. I know I don't.
I might get the bloke next door to bring a bit of coal in at 12.01, and I might also bring a bit of coal in to his door too, That's as far as it goes though in my village.

I can't imagine going to a NYE party where I only know one person.
What' would be the point? Apart from making 'they' a bit of an alien.

I feel a bit offended that they’d rather be alone in a flat than come and have fun, where all drinks and meals would be free

Just had to repeat that. It smacks of arrogance.
And also you keep saying 'they' like it was two people.
I wouldn't want to come to your party either.
.

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2018 00:38

Some friend you are. Your generous invitation isn’t about her, it’s about what she’s supposed to do for you l i.e be your crutch at a party where you don’t know most people, dressed up as a ‘generous’ invitation.

Get over yourself.

chockaholic72 · 27/12/2018 01:15

I went to a NYE party at my best mate's just after she'd moved to a new city to live with her fiancé - they were the only people I knew there. As a confirmed introvert I found it hard but went to support her and spend time with her. I wasn't very comfortable, found it very hard work, but survived.... until midnight came, the bells chimed, and everyone went to kiss their partner. Everyone except me, that is. I hadn't realised I was the only single person at the party, and when all the midnight kisses started, it was just really apparent and everyone laughed at the Bridget Jones looking aghast in the middle of the room.

Swore I would never put myself in that situation again. So now, I decline any invites, I make the house spotless on NYE day, have something lovely for tea, a couple of glasses of champagne, an early night with a book, and it's utterly lovely. Not everyone is a party person.

Doobee · 27/12/2018 01:31

Blimey. Get a grip OP. Yes you are BU. I hate NYE and would refuse a party invite even if George clooney invited me. Big fat no. Duvet, cuppa and jools Holland on the TV thanks.

AntiHop · 27/12/2018 01:37

Yabu. She doesn't want to come. I'd hate the idea of a party where I have to stay over. You're stuck if you're tired or not having fun. I'd choose a take away on my own over that on nye.

Loftyswops988 · 27/12/2018 01:50

going to a party where you don't really know anyone is a big pressure on NYE. Maybe she just doesnt feel up to doing that level of socialising. I'm having a bit of a rough time in my head right now and don't think I could go to a party like that right now, but if it was all my own friends it would be more easy going. Maybe your friend is just a little too anxious to put herself in that position right now, probably not a personal thing

thebaronetofcockburn · 27/12/2018 17:51

Surprise, surprise, OP is long gone!

rabbitfoodadvocate · 27/12/2018 18:01

I think it's more weird to rely on them coming so you have someone to hang out with, personally.

Who actually wants to travel to a party with bugger all people they know?

Theoryofmould · 27/12/2018 18:10

If it were me invited then I'd decline. I struggle with socialising anyway but to go to a NYE party where I knew no one but the hosts would be idea of absolute hell. I'd rather stay home with some nice wine, food and a film on the tv.

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