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Original poster

Parents treating sister really badly

55 replies

user1486250399 · 26/12/2018 19:47

My parents are being terrible to my sister. It's my mum really but my dad isn't blameless as he is going along with it. Excluding her from things and lying because they don't want to be around her severely disabled son basically; when she calmly asked them about it as she was so upset about it she got screamed at, hysterics, lies made up about her and now, the latest is they are trying to turn her daughter against her (unsuccessfully). All she wanted was an apology but instead she has been told pretty much she has to suck it up as they have done so much for her in the past they shouldn't have to apologise.

The truth is mum has always been borderline abusive to her, I'm only just realising the extent of it. Sister is now going NC with them with a heavy heart. She has an amazing DH, three gorgeous adoring kids and a good relationship with me, her sister as well as her in laws. She's sad but OK.

My parents are good to me. They ADORE my son. My dad lives for my son. He doesnt have a great life as he is controlled by my mum but says my son gives him a reason to live. My son adores them back.

I haven't said a word to my parents about the situation although they know I'm V close to my sister. They haven't said anything either. I am so angry about how my sister is being treated and my relationship with them isn't great anyway but I keep quiet in order to facilitate their relationship with my children.

What do I do? Talk to them about how my sister is being treated? My mum won't listen anyway I don't think. She is emotionally very stunted and child-like. Or stay out of it? But isn't that being disloyal to my sister? She doesn't hold my relationship with them against me at all. She's so lovely. I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Nothininmenoggin · 26/12/2018 19:51

Jeez I'd make a stand with your sister poor girl she doesn't deserve this appalling behaviour from your parents.

Onescaredmuma · 26/12/2018 19:59

Your sister sounds pretty amazing to be honest you sound lovely too alot of people would find it hard to see beyond the fact the parents treat them and their children well. I think the right thing to do is make a stand with your sister however I understand that this is really hard in practice good luck with whatever you do.

Knittedfairies · 26/12/2018 20:11

So your parents don’t want to have anything to do with your disabled nephew? Do they have a relationship with the other children?

It’s a difficult situation for you OP; whatever you do will feel wrong in one way or another.

rachelfrost · 26/12/2018 20:13

Why don’t they want to be around your nephew? If you can address that then maybe the situation can be resolved.

Original poster
user1486250399 · 26/12/2018 20:14

Thank you for your kind replies. Of course you're right. What I'm scared of is it all going over the top (mum is V dramatic) and that resulting in her cutting us out. Now, to be honest, I wouldn't even mind that really if it was down to me. But how would my dad cope without seeing my son? I know he has the choice to stand up to her too but he's so controlled. And my son would miss them so much. So that's what I'm struggling with and why I have stayed out of it. But my sister does deserve my solidarity.

OP posts:
PurdysChocolate · 26/12/2018 20:14

Your poor sister.

I suspect that if you stood up to your parents there wouldn't be any benefit for your sister. So you would just be jeopardising your and your son's relationship with them for no gain.

However, you say your relationship isn't great with them. So maybe you don't actually have much to lose. As they are capable of such terrible behaviour I would consider whether they will negatively influence your son as he grows older.

Santaisonthesherry · 26/12/2018 20:15

Imo you should support the person in the right /who is being treated very shabbily.
You dm is diabolical and your df no better. If your ds is his world then that's an unhealthy burden on your ds. He should be treated the same as his cousins.
Until your dps can see all of that and are prepared to rectify that I would be backing away and taking my dc with me.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 26/12/2018 20:16

Your parents are being plain nasty, OP. I can't think of anyone who would exclude a severely disabled GC. Definitely take it up with your parents, OP. Couch it in a way that you would be devastated if they were treating you that way because of your son. Perhaps that will make them think?

headinhands · 26/12/2018 20:16

If you don't make a stand you are in the same camp as your abusive mum.

Original poster
user1486250399 · 26/12/2018 20:21

To answer Q about my nephew...
They pretend to love him and want to see him but then make up lies to get out of seeing him. They lie to cover lies.
The other 2 kids are older, one is at Uni and other lives with BF.
They will never admit to any of this so addressing it is pointless. My sister tried that and this is where it got her.

OP posts:
viques · 26/12/2018 20:25

Your sister has a hard enough life with a disabled child and abusive parents. She certainly doesn't need a sister who stands by and doesn't say anything.

You say you don't want to jeopardise the relationship between your parents and child, personally I would be be wondering whether I wanted people who were so disablist in attitude having so much influence and contact with my child.

I think you need to stand up to your bully of a mother . Be polite but firm, tell her her attitude is wrong, it upsets you and your sister ,you don't like it and she needs to make amends with your sister.

Doobydoobeedoo · 26/12/2018 20:27

"My parents are being terrible to my sister. It's my mum really but my dad isn't blameless as he is going along with it."

But you're going along with it too, aren't you? You say yourself that you haven't said a word to them about it. Your reasons may be different to your dad's but you are essentially doing the same thing as he is.

Porpoises · 26/12/2018 20:31

I'd be concerned that your son spending lots of time with these manipulative people isn't good for him. As he grows up, he will start to see their behaviour, and will end up very confused about how to deal with it, or worse will copy it. I'd be distancing yourself, and telling your dad that you'd support him if he wants to leave.

youcanthaveitchyteeth · 26/12/2018 20:33

I wouldn't want my child around people like that tbh

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 26/12/2018 20:33

Be careful with your son. Such obvious favouritism is very damaging, even for the favoured child.
Your sister really needs your support, and by standing up for her you will teach your son a valuable lesson too.

CCSA · 26/12/2018 20:34

Talk to your dad first, explain how youll still want him to see you DS and put contingency plans in place. Then do what you need to do and talk seriously to your DM.

Frogletmamma · 26/12/2018 20:35

That is really sad. My dm doesn't treat her grandchildren equally either and it riles me up. It wouldn't make me go nc but I do tell her off.

FascinatingCarrot · 26/12/2018 20:36

Who do want in your child's life? Your mum or your sister?
I know who I'd choose in a heartbeat.

posthistoricmonsters · 26/12/2018 20:36

Your son needs to see you standing up for what is right, even if you both get cut off as a result.

I'm the product of an abusive household, who went on to form bad relationships with abusive arseholes.

AngelinaDelight · 26/12/2018 20:43

Stick up for your sister to your parents as although she is outwardly "OK" inwardly she may not be and your loyalty in the face of their ignorance/abuse will probably mean the world to her.

Amallamard · 26/12/2018 20:48

It sounds like doing the right thing would be hard, and not just for you, but that doesn't stop it from being the right thing.

Justanothernameonthepage · 26/12/2018 20:50

I'd also think that if they could do that to their daughter/GC, what damage could it do to your DC if they suddenly decided to treat him in the same way?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/12/2018 20:50

but says my son gives him a reason to live

That's a LOT of responsibility on your DS shoulders and really a form of emotional blackmail from your Dad .
Does he ever say things like I do't know what I'd do if I couldn't see DGS

Are they scared of your nephew? Many people really don't know how to cope with disability and maybe they're worried about doing wrong or accidently hurting him? (I'm giving them the benefit of doubt here)

Definately you need to let them (especially your 'D'Mum) that you won't tolerate this and in the end they will lose out of seeing your DS.

Littlebluebird123 · 26/12/2018 20:52

I would speak to your sister about it. And definitely support her.

My parents became quite abusive towards one of my children and when I called them on it I was shouted at and belittled. I had to go LC for a while.
My brother and wife were absolutely invaluable at that time. They were fully supportive, including letting me and dc stay at their house (as they live in a different country to me and I had no money for a hotel).
They did continue contact with my parents but also confronted them about their behaviour. I had no problem with them having contact as I knew it was at least partly to see if they could help my parents see what they'd done.

Bunbunbunny · 26/12/2018 20:55

What is there to stop your DPs doing this same to you? What is your child or you ever had a life changing event? You've already seen the way they have treated your ds, there is nothing to stop the same to you or your children.

You know the difference between right & wrong and if it was reversed with your sister what would you want her to be doing?

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