Parents treating sister really badly

[user1486250399]

My parents are being terrible to my sister. It's my mum really but my dad isn't blameless as he is going along with it. Excluding her from things and lying because they don't want to be around her severely disabled son basically; when she calmly asked them about it as she was so upset about it she got screamed at, hysterics, lies made up about her and now, the latest is they are trying to turn her daughter against her (unsuccessfully). All she wanted was an apology but instead she has been told pretty much she has to suck it up as they have done so much for her in the past they shouldn't have to apologise.

The truth is mum has always been borderline abusive to her, I'm only just realising the extent of it. Sister is now going NC with them with a heavy heart. She has an amazing DH, three gorgeous adoring kids and a good relationship with me, her sister as well as her in laws. She's sad but OK.

My parents are good to me. They ADORE my son. My dad lives for my son. He doesnt have a great life as he is controlled by my mum but says my son gives him a reason to live. My son adores them back.

I haven't said a word to my parents about the situation although they know I'm V close to my sister. They haven't said anything either. I am so angry about how my sister is being treated and my relationship with them isn't great anyway but I keep quiet in order to facilitate their relationship with my children.

What do I do? Talk to them about how my sister is being treated? My mum won't listen anyway I don't think. She is emotionally very stunted and child-like. Or stay out of it? But isn't that being disloyal to my sister? She doesn't hold my relationship with them against me at all. She's so lovely. I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading.

If you don't make a stand you are in the same camp as your abusive mum.

Nonsense. OP is clearly nothing like her mother and has a good relationship with her sister.

I haven't said a word to my parents about the situation ... my relationship with them isn't great anyway but I keep quiet in order to facilitate their relationship with my children. My mum ... is emotionally very stunted and child-like.

Wow. I think there is your answer. You throw your sister and her son under a bus so as to facilitate your emotionally stunted mum having a relationship with your own child?! Why on earth would you want that relationship? I don't buy this business with your Dad, even if he is the good guy in all this both you and he are enabling your mum to be so nasty.

Ask your sister what's best for her, don't assume...

I wouldn't get involved in your parents' dramas, just feeds it.

I can see you are in a very difficult position, but I personally think people who stand by and watch others being bullied are as bad as the bully.

So your parents have 4 grandchildren (your sister's 3 children + your son)?

They avoid seeing 1 because he is disabled.

They try to manipulate another against her mother.

They 'adore' a single, golden child - your son?

And you want to continue not to rock your boat because you want your child to remain the golden one and maintain the 'special relationship' he has with his grandfather?

Nope. You tell your parents that they either treat all their grandchildren absolutely equally or they don't see any of them.

(Apologies, but this makes me angry on a personal level. My FiL has 'golden grandchildren' - the 3 sons of his 'golden child', my SIL. He pays the fees for all 3 at top private schools. He has 2 'non-golden' grandchildren - my DCs, the children of his 'non golden' child, my DH. They get £10 for birthdays, sometimes. FiL has never spoken directly to my DS - if we go there for lunch, for example, he will ask me to ask DS to pass something. Would I like SiL to challenge this? Yes, of course. Will she? No. They want the school fees paid)

The Stand Alone charity is a source of decent information about estrangement from families and the dynamics around it:

www.standalone.org.uk]]

It won't go down well but it sounds like your Ddad is in an abusive relationship.

Wow, you really have to ask. Your Dad isn’t an innocent victim, he’s not just a bystander but a participant. There’s no fence to sit on, by ‘staying out of it’ you’ve chosen them over her. All you talk about solidarity is exactly that, talk. Your actions scream ‘I’m all right jack’.

Why do they have issue with the disabled son? That’s just so so weird and awful.

Having a grandchild is a huge blessing and then if one was disabled in any way, surely you would move mountains to support and love that child and parents?

I’m really shocked.

What if your mum gets jealous of the relationship between your dad and your son...she may well give your son the same treatment.im very surprised your sister has stayed in contact with you ,as you haven't stood up for her at all.

You throw your sister and her son under a bus so as to facilitate your emotionally stunted mum having a relationship with your own child?! Why on earth would you want that relationship? I don't buy this business with your Dad, even if he is the good guy in all this both you and he are enabling your mum to be so nasty.

^Completely agree. OP you should hang your head in shame. You are no better than your nasty parents.

OP - I wouldn't address the matter with your DPs without a lot of preparation and research.

I wonder if it would be useful for you and your DSis to take a look through this site and see what you think of their groups and online resources to assess whether there's anything relevant to your circumstances.

www.standalone.org.uk

www.standalone.org.uk/guides/

I'm not sure how old your ds is, but I think it's important that you give him a good role model of doing what's right even if it might be detrimental to one's own interests. Either now with an explanation or later something you can tell him when he's old enough. I think I'd struggle to explain to my ds why I've let injustice go unchallenged and I'd like him to grow up as someone with a strong moral compass.

You’re in a difficult position of which I think I have a little understanding, my mother is abusive and my dad puts up with it but is despressed and has a great relationship with my daughter, so we out up with her for the sake of that relationship, it is a form of domestic abuse and you’re nothing like your mother from your posts.

My brother was adopted and they have no relationship so it’s different in that respect. I try and meet my dad away from my ‘mother’ as much as possible. I think you’re in a very difficult situation as you understandably don’t want to cut your dad off. You don’t deserve a kicking on here.

The link arran put up is very useful, I dip and in out of there for support.

Be part of the solution and not the problem. DM feels entitled because she gets what she wants the golden boy & doesn't have to see DSis Son.

I would ask your parents that how are going to put this right becuase they don't want it happening again with you do they?

Your family sound like a scapegoating family where all the families problems are blamed on the scapegoat so the rest of the family can continue on believing their are perfect and never have to deal with their own issues. Your sister is the scapegoat.

Word of warning: When the scapegoat withdraws the family do not stop scapegoating, they will simply find another family member to scapegoat. This is usually the weakest and most vulnerable family member.

In other words, the next person your parents do this to could be your kid.

Isn’t it also true that a couple will often divorce after their scapegoat child goes NC with them? I’m sure I read that somewhere. If it’s true, there’s a little glimmer of hope for your dad.

OP, why do you want your son to have a relationship with these people? I know they’re your parents, but they are horrible. Yes, even your dad - he should have grown some balls and protected his daughter from your tyrant of a mother. You do realise that he will do fuck all to protect your son if your mother turns her wrath on him, don’t you?

I think your sister should be your priority here. She’s probably already hurt that you won’t stand up for her. How would you feel in her shoes?

Please stand up for your sister, I know it's bloody hard and terrifying but she really needs your support. The only way to stop this dysfunctional family behaviour is to refuse to engage with the abusers and maintain hard boundaries. Your son doesn't need this bullshit either, your Dad is responsible for his own feelings and actions. He is shunning a grandchild. Hard boundary right there!

Good luck

I stood up for my sister in similar circumstances and was disowned by my mother. Other siblings did not but then each subsequently took turns being my mother's victim. She's now in contact with only one of her six children. I'm glad I went first, saved me years of grief and it was the right thing to do. My sister and I have a fab relationship now. Ironically I was the 'favorite' growing up. I think that made my mum particularly vicious when I didn't confirm.

I’ve seen this dynamic, several times. The child’s disability is seen as too hard to deal with for the (narcissistic) grandmother. She can’t bear to see him because it upsets HER, it’s a reflection on HER that she doesn’t like.

All.About.Her.

Your son is only the favourite while your mum is in contact with and can compare him to your sister (and her child). With her and her family gone it’s possible she may then try to compare your son to you or someone else and then he might become the scapegoat.

Also, not trying to be crass, but what happens if your DS gets an illness or injury that makes him less than perfect? Would you be happy to see him scapegoated like his cousin?

Cut them off. It’s tough for your dad — maybe if he had the courage to leave the abuse or fight against it, your family might be in a better position.

Support your sister.
Your parents sound unhinged- that’s not good for you or your son.

Just what are you teaching your son if you continue to support (which is what you’re currently doing by saying nothing) this bullying behaviour??

Maybe if you took a stand your mother would be forced to rectify her behaviour once she realised she had lost all her kids and her grandkids.

Word of warning: When the scapegoat withdraws the family do not stop scapegoating, they will simply find another family member to scapegoat. This is usually the weakest and most vulnerable family member.

^^ Agreed. This is why it can be so helpful to look at sites like Stand Alone and approach any alteration to relationships so carefully.

www.standalone.org.uk

Seriously OP I wouldn't want a child of mine to have contact with such dreadful people (your parents).