To say something to MAJOR CF that is 'SIL'

[Crookedcolours]

Not technically SIL as her and my DB aren't married but live together ltr etc

We generally have a good relationship, literally everything's fine other than this one thing but this one thing is majorly pissing me off!!

Every time we eat out (me and DC, her and bro, and my dad) which is quite often, she orders the most expensive thing and then leaves my dad to pay for it.

My dad always picks up the bill but I will always send him money for me and DC or offer at least or AT LEAST say thank you!! She and DB do nothing. No thanks

Oh sorry the other week after ordering ridiculous £20 main course she was saying oh I'll pay extra towards it (after not finishing it)

Her and DB got out the cash at the end and paid £20. Not joking. £20 contribution which just covered HER main course after starters, cocktails and desserts each

It's taking the piss. We know my DB is tight but why does she think it's ok to take a advantage of my DF like that because he has aspergers and doesn't like confrontation.

Tomorrow there's a family meal she's the only one to have ordered the 3 course festive menu again. I know she's going to leave my dad to pay. YES I do think my DB is being a CF as well.

WIBU to say something to her or DF?

Aspergers doesn't make you stupid. If he doesn't have the emotional response it's maybe because he isn't bothered. I'm autistic and I give my adult ds money fairly regularly and pay things for him. I can afford it and I like helping him because he is my son. I'd be pissed if other people thought he was taking advantage of me because of my autism.

If you’re quietly paying your Dad after then she will think that you’re not contributing either so why should she?
Just speak up at the time?

Some Dads like to treat their family but it’s always good to offer? Then he’ll either refuse or accept payment.

As others have said, it will be a lot easier if you all just pay at the table on separate bills, that way no confusion. She may not realise you reimburse your dad in the way you do.

How did dinner go? Did they pay for their meals??

Why did you text her and not your brother?

You really are laying all the blame at her door and not your brother's.

Well it annoys me more because she's not inmediate family which I think makes it even more cheeky! Plus takes the absolute buscuit with the expensive stuff.

I do often say to my dad at the table, I'll send you some money or discuss the amount, they never say anything except for say that one time recently with the £20 after at least £50 worth of food and drink

No it's not emotional response necessarily

My dad is extremely intelligent, and can voice his opinion

BUT his aspergers means he avoids confrontation and will not say something to avoid an argument

Are you sure your not projecting your perceived issues onto your dad? My fil treats me to stuff all the time, has done ever since I started going out with dp many years ago. Only difference is dp is an only child so no sil to feel aggrieved. Ds doesn't have a girlfriend yet but when he does, if I was paying his meal I'd probably pay hers too, as an extension of ds. If I can afford it then I'm happy to. Does dbro help his dad out in other ways?

You’re lovely OP. I hate unfairness/stinginess. The effrontery of some people astounds me. Your DF is lucky to have you to look out for him. Well done, and good luck.

Well it annoys me more because she's not immediate famiy

Oh.

Well that's her told.

So they don't know you pay your dad?

If so, they think he is paying for everyone. You should tell them .

Ah this reminds me of when we went out for a family meal. FIL was in the area and we'd all met up, about 10 of us, DH's dad, all his kids and their other halves. One set is notoriously tight. Tighter than a ducks arse. Watertight.

Any way

We ate, wine, coffee. Someone said something like "We'll all get our own and split yours between us dad".

Tight couple went grey and started spluttering, after coppering up it turned out they had about £12 between them despite ploughing through 3 courses, bottles of wine and coffee and this wasn't Wetherspoons we were in.

Its lovely to be treated, but to turn up with the expectation of it is cheeky fuckery of the highest order.

I hope they pay for their own today, and maybe treat your dad too.

MyHairNeedsASnip, sometimes it just has to be that way to teach people a lesson. I really dislike people who take advantage of other people's generosity.

How did they manage with just their coppers? Have they been seen since at family meals out?

Make sure you each pay for your own and split your Dads. That way you won't be paying over the odds for her expensive choice.

Restaurants are used to this, they can work the bill out for you. Or you just tot up your own and pay that.

We used to do this with family meals because kids meals are cheaper and they don't drink alcohol so not fair to split it evenly as their parents would end up paying for more than their kids consumed iyswim.

Well it annoys me more because she's not immediate famiy

Perhaps your father feels differently about that.

The expression he pulled last time when she went for the almost £20 says not. None of the rest of us order the most expensive things, my dad often ops for deals and stuff hence why.. CF

But she doesn’t know you are paying you Dad secretly!

I have very good friends (he's late 60s, she's 74) who both have grown up kids (and grandkids). She complains regularly that none of their kids have so much as bought them a cup of coffee and 'allow' them to pay for everything.

That's what happens if parents of grown-up kids always say 'I'll get it' - their kids will invariably allow them to and get completely used to the notion that 'parents always pay'. I think it's fecking immoral on the part of the kids - who should at least be alternately paying, if not always picking up their parents' tab.

Well it annoys me more because she's not immediate family

OP thats not very nice, you said yourself they're in a ltr. Would it be OK if she was 'immediate family'?

I think she's taking the piss majorly and that your message was the right thing to do to avoid any issues on the day, but it does rather sound like you just don't like her, even if you say everything is fine.

I always pay for my adult children and their partners or friends when we go out.

It's my decision and I wouldn't appreciate anyone else sticking their nose in. If my DS partner was always ordering the most expensive thing I would make a joke of it, but it probably wouldn't really bother me.

Some of us get a lot out of giving OP. I think it would be unfair to take that away from your father, particularly as you say he is financially well able to afford it.

I also think it's weird for you to do a transfer afterwards. Why wouldn't they assume that him paying for them two is no different to him paying for you and your two DC? And if you're paying for your meals why not just do that instead of the charade of your dad paying when he's not? I do think there's more to this, with your comments about her not really being family and them not having kids, as if you're superior to them and this just helps you to feel more so. I bet they aren't that wild about you either, esp after that text, so keep stirring and maybe there won't be many more joint meals anyway. I'd have left it to your dad to do as he wishes, it's not like he can't afford it so it's only you whose making a deal of it.

I do often say to my dad at the table, I'll send you some money or discuss the amount
Why can't you just take the cash/card with you and pay on the day?
It just looks like you're also freeloading off your dad.

We just have to take your word for it that you 'pay him back' but it shouldn't come to that.
Take your money with you and pay for your own food in front of them so it's glaringly obvious.

Maybe your dad should stop inviting the cf's for meals?
That would make it obvious and solve the issue!

I agree, you must have a card on you so if you agree to spilt it there and then, then they’ll have to chip in too. It’s kind of your own doing.
I just get my card out! Simple.

Also why are you more annoyed at her rather than at your brother who could quite easily chip in too. She’s the CF but not him?

talk to your dad about it.

If he's happy, then let it be.