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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to MAJOR CF that is 'SIL'

100 replies

Crookedcolours · 26/12/2018 19:31

Not technically SIL as her and my DB aren't married but live together ltr etc

We generally have a good relationship, literally everything's fine other than this one thing but this one thing is majorly pissing me off!!

Every time we eat out (me and DC, her and bro, and my dad) which is quite often, she orders the most expensive thing and then leaves my dad to pay for it.

My dad always picks up the bill but I will always send him money for me and DC or offer at least or AT LEAST say thank you!! She and DB do nothing. No thanks

Oh sorry the other week after ordering ridiculous £20 main course she was saying oh I'll pay extra towards it (after not finishing it)

Her and DB got out the cash at the end and paid £20. Not joking. £20 contribution which just covered HER main course after starters, cocktails and desserts each

It's taking the piss. We know my DB is tight but why does she think it's ok to take a advantage of my DF like that because he has aspergers and doesn't like confrontation.

Tomorrow there's a family meal she's the only one to have ordered the 3 course festive menu again. I know she's going to leave my dad to pay. YES I do think my DB is being a CF as well.

WIBU to say something to her or DF?

OP posts:
costacoffeecup · 26/12/2018 20:05

Is you dad actually bothered though? Maybe he likes to pick up the tab? (My dad will NEVER let me pay and got really upset when I did it really sneakily once by pretending I was going to the loo!) If he can't afford it that's a different matter.

It sounds like this could cause a bit of a family row though so I would tread carefully. Meal is going to be a bit awkward now surely?

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 26/12/2018 20:08

Have you not discussed this with your brother? I know you said he's tight but surely it's not just SIL that needs to be told.

Witchend · 26/12/2018 20:08

You df may want to pay. I know it gives my df pleasure to pay for treats for us, especially as he couldn't when we were growing up as we were short of money.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/12/2018 20:10

It's not your business.
It's not your business
It's not your business.

More lasting, damaging family rows are caused by officious meddling whinyarses than by CFs. Back the fuck off.

baubled · 26/12/2018 20:12

@Crookedcolours I wasn't trying to be offensive, I'm trying to agree with you 🙄 not everyone can afford to pay for their own + split someone else's, that's the only reason I said if you're happy to.

abacucat · 26/12/2018 20:13

I would rather pay for myself than fell forced to choose something I was not keen on.

BottleOfJameson · 26/12/2018 20:13

Next time you eat out, instead of quietly giving your dad money just say "let's all chip in because it's not fair dad always picks up the tab

Don't pay him back later. If you're doing it via an app get it out there and then and say "right I'm paying now".

Strictly1 · 26/12/2018 20:17

Well done you Op - it would annoy me too!

Ironingboard · 26/12/2018 20:18

I know how you feel, my dad always pays without even thinking about it. Even though my parents are comfortable me and my brothers also earn good wages so when we went out for my birthday meal I made a point of sending everyone the menu and to transfer me the money of what they want, I was happy to lend them money if they were waiting for payday etc but I was sick of my dad always coughing up for 10+ people to eat plus drinks, this number included girlfriends and boyfriends. My ex SIL used to order the most expensive drinks and meals knowing it was paid for by my dad, luckily she’s no longer in our family!

BikeRunSki · 26/12/2018 20:21

Surely it’s none of your business?

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 26/12/2018 20:22

Why is it not her business?
She feels like her Dad is being taken advantage of because of his disability - so WHY @ReanimatedSGB is it not her business??
Why has mumsnet become so ‘ stay out! Nothing to do with you!’ recently??
It’s her DAD who is being taken advantage of, not some random stranger! Are we really at a place in society where we do not stick up for members of our immediate family?

CrookedColours
You have played a blinder here. You have nicely called her out without accusing at all. What can she say - “ no, I want your dad to keep paying for me”!
What I want to know is - will she order the most expensive thing tomorrow when she is paying for it??? Hope you let us know.
Ignore the people who say it’s got nothing to do with you - of course it has. He is your Dad and you love him. He has a disability. Why would people think you shouldn’t look out for him is beyond me.

I hope you have a great night tomorrow and that you all continue to pay for yourselves. I’m pleased to think your autistic Dad won’t be taken advantage of any longer.

eggsandwich · 26/12/2018 20:23

I would tell your dad before hand that you are all going to pay for your own meals, and then announce before they leave home that your all paying for your own meals as its only fair as some are more expensive than others, if they say we’ve come without any money or card say why? you knew we were all expected to pay for our own meals so thats not an excuse, I would then pay for your own meals and leave them to it.

NewPapaGuinea · 26/12/2018 20:24

Everyone saying perhaps DF likes paying, none of your business etc, OP pays her DF, just after the meal so this isn’t the case. Her DB and his GF are freeloading and don’t contribute like the OP does so of course it’s her business to be annoyed.

ButteryParsnips · 26/12/2018 20:25

Of course it's her business. How you split a bill between a group is everyone's business in that group. Good luck tomorrow OP - don't back down!

ReanimatedSGB · 26/12/2018 20:27

People with Aspergers have agency. They are not helpless. OP has said nothing at all to suggest her dad is unhappy at paying for other family members - it's just OP with a stick up her arse, prepared to cause a big family row because she thinks WAA SNOT FAIR.

EggysMom · 26/12/2018 20:32

Are you absolutely sure that they are not repaying your Dad, similiarly by app, similarly after these meals, in a non-ostentatious way?

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 26/12/2018 20:34

Reanimated do fuck off.

Yes my dad has made indications but as I said

I know my dad

I know he won't say anything however much he doesn't like it.

Yes he has a lot of money, but obviously it's not fair to be paying every single time and for the most expensive things so if you rtft you might have understood that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crookedcolours · 26/12/2018 20:36

Eggys I'm sure they're not no. The about 2 times in 3 years a contribution has been made it's been in cash and they make a big deal out of it.

Say that time with the £20, that was meant to be extra?!! What was she intending to pay?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crookedcolours · 26/12/2018 20:36

I'll speak to my dad about it tomorrow

The meals are pre ordered with the venue like I said she's the only one gone for the most expensive 3 course Christmas dinner ffs

OP posts:
CatnissEverdene · 26/12/2018 20:37

I think you need to tackle your DB to be honest. It's piss poor that he's letting it go on........ and I'd say to him that unless it stops, you're going to stop going out with them as it's too upsetting to see your DF being taken advantage of.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 26/12/2018 20:39

I mean I could say something to DB but it's well known in my family he's extremely tight!

At least he's actually related though, that's what really gets to me, she's been with him a few years, I would NEVER expect my bfs dad to pay for me repeatedly without even saying thank you!!

My dad is owed a thank you at the very least

OP posts:
flugelhorn811 · 26/12/2018 20:49

I totally get where OP is coming from, and even though I know she transfers the money to her dad, I still think it's a bit different him paying for hers and her kids' food (his daughter and grandchildren) to her brother's partner who sounds a bit cheeky.

I have a similar frustration with a family friend who my parents often go for dinner with but who always lets my dad pay. My dad can afford it and he always offers - that's just his way - but it irritates me as I think the friend should offer sometimes.

I know that's not the same and I haven't expressed it very well but I do totally see what is annoying OP about this situation.

ExHHouseHelp · 26/12/2018 21:45

My first thought was does she know the OP transfers the money? If she joined the family and her ‘tight’ DP has said ‘oh dad always pays when we go out’, might she just have accepted it as how things are? I know it’s still shitty of them not to say thank you but would put a slightly different spin on things?

Butteredghost · 26/12/2018 22:24

I get why this is annoying but it's really between your dad and your DB, not between you and SIL.

Unless your dad is vulnerable in some way and has reduced capacity, just leave them to it.

YearOfYouRemember · 27/12/2018 08:00

I think the point OP is trying to make is that because her father has Aspergers he doesn't have the emotional response to feel bothered and therefore the others are taking advantage. Apologies, OP if I'm wrong.

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