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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with this ‘learn to parent your child’ crap?!

62 replies

Anticlockwatcher · 26/12/2018 19:26

Every thread now where there is a person who is in a quandary with their child’s behaviour.

‘You need to parent your child’

‘Your child is parenting you’

And other such rubbish. It’s getting tiresome. People can have dilemmas and situations that are more complicated than a few words can describe.

Why not just offer advice without this judgey language?!

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 26/12/2018 19:30

I agree, there are some right arseholes on here lately.

DNAwrangler · 26/12/2018 19:33

YANBU, mainly because 'parent' as a verb irritates me no end. Next!

Original poster
Anticlockwatcher · 26/12/2018 19:55

Yes - you have articulated better than I. It’s the use of ‘parent’ as a verb. Horrible. It’s like fat shaming.

OP posts:
Nursejackie1 · 26/12/2018 19:57

Vile term. I agree.

baubled · 26/12/2018 20:23

Someone told me I needed parenting classes when I posted asking if my toddlers tantrums were normal!

WelcomeToGreenvale · 26/12/2018 20:26

Really notable in a current thread.

"Are there any ways to limit screen time to an hour total so that my kid can learn to self-regulate?"

"just take the tablet away lol parent your child!!"

Not what the OP was asking and entirely unnecessarily rude.

Littlecaf · 26/12/2018 20:27

I know! Bloody martyrs.

Believeitornot · 26/12/2018 20:30

Well sometimes it is a case of just parent your child.

Something like restricting screen time requires you, as a parent, to set the boundaries. Some kids won’t naturally self regulate so you have to turn it off. Yes the child may well kick off etc etc but as soon as they get used to it, they stop as they know there’s no point.

So actually “just parent your child” is a valid response - when people are looking for an easy solution. When there isn’t one - when the solution just means sucking up the fact that you’ve got to be the mean guy sometimes!!

Telling people to go to parenting classes is a bit over the top for a tantrum.

RebelWitchFace · 26/12/2018 20:36

Sometimes it is a valid response, especially in cases where unwanted behaviours developed due to being too permissive or because said behaviour was funny and cute at 2 but atrocious at 12.

What does bug me is "you are the parent/adult, they're the child" which means you're supposed to put up with absolutely everything and anything thrown at you, unless ofc they're 18 and then you can just kick them out. Hmm

elibee · 26/12/2018 20:50

Believeitornot - surely in that situation 'you really need to restrict screen time. We found it helped if we..' is more helpful than 'omg just parent your child ffs'

I feel like it's just a way of saying 'I want to have my tuppence worth but I don't actually have anything actually useful to add'

Wearywithteens · 26/12/2018 21:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DNAwrangler · 26/12/2018 21:49

Oh come on weary, everyone knows what it means. There's just no need to be a smug wanker when someone's asked for advice.

It's like posting 'I feel ill but gave to look after my toddler, any tips' and someone posting 'get up and look after them'.

redyawn · 26/12/2018 21:56

Telling somebody who is asking for practical advice to 'parent their child' is a put down. It is not thoughtful considered assistance. As others have said, saying something like "have you tried .....?" Is far more supportive and kind.

MonsterTequila · 26/12/2018 22:01

@weary I wholeheartedly disagree. There are many ways to ‘parent’ your child. As above, suggesting to just take it off them, I suppose is one way to parent the child but it’s not the most effective nor does it require the most effort. I would say; ‘parenting’ your child would mean, to me, putting in the effort to come up with a routine around screen time combined with the use of a timer and an activity afterwards that all the family partake in, so that the preceding conversation before handing over the iPad (or whatever would be ‘I’m going to put this timer on for 20 minutes, you can have your iPads on until then & when the timer goes off it’ll be time for baking cookies (or crafts/cooking/cycling etc)....
but I do agree with OP, hate the terminology ‘parent your child’

Original poster
Anticlockwatcher · 26/12/2018 22:59

Yes, without wishing to see this marked as a Thread about a thread, the screen time one was the last straw for me.

Offer a practical solution to the question being asked - not a one size fits all.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 26/12/2018 23:02

Sometimes it's definitely relevant, though. Like the daughter who was given completely the wrong Christmas present and was worried because her parents were spending too much. As indeed it turns out they were, buying it on finance and only recently in debt. Kids shouldn't have to be the financially responsible ones in the household.

Original poster
Anticlockwatcher · 26/12/2018 23:12

Yes, but saying ‘parent your child’ on that thread (the pointless Apple Mac one) made little sense too. That was simply a case of someone who didn’t have a grasp of money, value and was indulgent and extravagant. The child didn’t need parenting at all - they sound like the only sensible one in the entire household. My response there would be to get the daughter to run the finances - she can’t do much worse!

OP posts:
Meralia · 26/12/2018 23:14

I posted on a thread saying how my toddler ds sometimes head bangs in the sofa as he has a tantrum. Some idiot then proceeded to tell me that she would never let her child get to that stage, that she knows no one who’s child does it and I needed to parent my child.

It wasn’t even my thread I was just offering support to the OP. I’ve learnt my lesson though! Don’t post anything remotely personal that way no one can tear strips off you. It’s sad really as I thought this place was for support and reassurance.

KeepServingTheFestiveSnogs · 26/12/2018 23:20

It can be Meralia. Don't give up Flowers

RebelWitchFace · 26/12/2018 23:31

@Meralia I have a video of dd literally jumping off the walls.
And she used to bang her head too in a tantrum,after strategically moving to ensure it was done on the carpet.
She grew out of both of those. Thankfully.Grin

theWarOnPeace · 26/12/2018 23:49

It’s a simplistic and very often condescending phrase, but some posts are ridiculous and frustrating and you can see how the responses to essentially ‘do your bloody job’ arise. It’s like someone saying “I do admin, it’s my job and I love it, but I just don’t know how to totally avoid using word and excel and/or any other office program” I mean, you’ll have to address it yourself really because that’s exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, and nobody can advise on how to continue not facing it and doing it.

FWIW I think most people could do with parenting classes, as it’s the biggest commitment we’ll ever make, and a whole human’s future depends on it. My children have been at nursery, then school nursery and intend on going to university, if they do then they’ll have spent up to 20 years in institutions telling them about maths and biology and grammar and everything in between, but not even a half an hour lesson on how to to be a parent, which a huge amount of the population will go on to be. Friends of mine, particularly ones with really dysfunctional parents of their own, have no idea how to parent. I’m trying to say that kindly and with sympathy, because I genuinely know that they try their best but don’t have any sort of parenting common sense. I would never say it to them, although they often say it themselves, but they are in a constant dilemma about what they ought to be doing with their kids. They’ve had crap examples, and with everyone living away from Family and much more scattered communities these days, there’s no ‘village’ rallying around advising and supporting. What we should be thinking about is de-stigmatising parenting classes and stop using it as a put down to anyone who is feeling stressed and a bit lost, and it should just be a step to take, a normal option for people who are struggling with how to do this extremely bloody difficult job without so much as a days training.

Subtlecheese · 27/12/2018 08:43

The tablet thing was pretty obvious though. If you want to limit devices. Put them away, relying on a device to tell you to stop using a device seems crackers to me

madeyemoodysmum · 27/12/2018 08:49

The teen boards can be amazing but there are also a lot of Sanctimonious people on that. Obv had a NON difficult teen themselves.

Purplejay · 27/12/2018 08:54

I hate the phrase ‘parent your child’ too.

There are many approaches to parenting. The OP is usually looking for suggestions.

The very act of seeking guidance on how best to deal with their child over a particular issue is ‘parenting their child’ ffs!

MaisyPops · 27/12/2018 08:59

It's time and place for phrases like that. E.g. we've had parents in for meetings at school about behaviour and been told 'well we've tried everything but all Timmy aged 11 wants to do is play call of duty until 3am and he doesn't really do mornings. We're at a loss really because any time we say he has to come off he is awful to deal with so what can you do?' (Shrugs shoulders,half laugh).
There is part of me that wants to say 'stop giving your 11 year old 18 rated games, take the console out of their room and be the bloody parent'. I don't, obviously.

Other times saying 'be the parent is just being an arse to tell someone who is clearly struggling and needing practical steps.