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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with this ‘learn to parent your child’ crap?!

62 replies

Anticlockwatcher · 26/12/2018 19:26

Every thread now where there is a person who is in a quandary with their child’s behaviour.

‘You need to parent your child’

‘Your child is parenting you’

And other such rubbish. It’s getting tiresome. People can have dilemmas and situations that are more complicated than a few words can describe.

Why not just offer advice without this judgey language?!

OP posts:
BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 27/12/2018 09:03

So is it the use of parent as a verb you don't like or the fact that some posters deal with their kids themselves rather than downloading an app to do it?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/12/2018 09:12

It's just a turn of phrase, no need to make a song and dance about not liking it (although these threads do seem to be quite popular on Mumsnet). I hate the phrase "can I pick your brains about ..." but I fully understand what someone means when they say it. I don't use the word parent as a verb either but the intended meaning is clear when someone says it. Your question seems weirdly pedantic op.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2018 09:37

I think Parent your child is often a perfectly valid response to some of the threads I've seen on MN, irrespective of whether posters like those particular words in that particular order Hmm.

There are a lot of threads where the Op is really asking what they can do to avoid putting in the effort ie parenting and imo that screen time one was an example of just that. There are also threads where it's clear the Op just wants people to agree that what they're doing is good enough when it's clearly not, or that it can't be their fault little Johnny is knocking seven bells out of his classmates and again, it's not unreasonable to suggest they parent their child.

LettuceP · 27/12/2018 09:54

I think 'parent your child' is an appropriate response to a lot of threads on here. For example "dc just keeps eating loads chocolate and crisps, I'm worried about their health, what can I do to stop them?" Uuuurm stop buying chocolate and sweets and don't let them have them Hmm

Some people just seem to be so afraid of saying no to their kids or doing anything that makes them even slightly sad. They will try and find any way to deal with things that avoids it. Ffs that's life, you aren't supposed to be your dc's best mate.

BlackeyedGruesome · 27/12/2018 10:00

Baubled;: parenting classes are often the first thing they suggest if you raise an issue with behaviour that might be autism. If you have done a class it could save you a few months of the wait on a very long, over a year waiting list.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/12/2018 10:07

I agree OP. In the tablet thread the parent was asking if there was an easy way of adding up screen time electronically as their kids liked to play 5 min here and 10 min there, which I can totally see is tricky to keep track of over a day unless you faff about with 2 timers. The responses were 'limit screen time - you're the parent'. Judgey and not answering the practical question she had actually asked. I still don't know how those parents actually do it if their kids want to ue the tablet in bits rather than in one go (of course if you're giving them a specific hour a day it's not a hard job buy that obviously didn't work for the OP - it sounded like she had a much you get child who she was busy with and the kids were using their tablets when she was busy with the baby so in bits and bobs rather than all at once)

BeanTownNancy · 27/12/2018 10:38

Yep. Because "just parent your child" is so clear cut and not at all open to personal interpretation on what "parenting" is.

My husband talks angrily to our toddler and will put him in his cot and leave him there if he's having a tantrum "to show him he's not going to win by screaming". Perfectly valid "parenting."

I had problems with my temper growing up so I'm trying to teach our toddler to control his emotions, so I stay with him when he's angry and keep talking and try to calm him down and get him to put his feelings into words. In my opinion, perfectly valid "parenting". My husband thinks I'm letting our toddler win.

If I had a tantrum at my dad, he would have hit me. He once pulled my hair back until I started choking because I refused to do the washing up and slammed a door. He thought that was "parenting". I was a difficult kid and have grown into a pretty decent adult so who knows, maybe he was right.

But of course, everyone is just supposed to know exactly what to do and everyone's situation is the same. "Just parent your child" - how helpful!

PreppingPrat · 27/12/2018 11:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HolesinTheSoles · 27/12/2018 11:16

YANBU. Or any time a child (even toddlers) is described as anything other than 100% placid and low energy "sounds like your child is badly behaved" "you need to teach your child to behave".

GenerationSnowflake · 27/12/2018 11:26

Many posts are just boring because the parents are indeed lazy and can't be bothered to do exactly that: parent.

My child watches too much tv
My child only eat junk food
My child doesn't go to bed until midnight
My child puts all my friends away because he is screaming and running around in the cafe, jumping on their sofa and tv
My child is creating mayhem in a plane or restaurant

If parents were indeed parenting, saying no, removing them, entertaining them, doing the obvious things, such situations would not happen would they.

JudasPrudy · 27/12/2018 11:31

I also agree it's a valid response to some threads eg 'my 12 year old DS is so cheeky and disrespectful to me, he smokes and hangs out with a gang and doesn't come home until midnight, I lost it and screamed at him and hit him AIBU' so many parents let their young children roam the streets and are then genuinely surprised when child finds dodgy mates and start smoking and being angry with their parents all the time.

HolesinTheSoles · 27/12/2018 11:32

So is it the use of parent as a verb you don't like or the fact that some posters deal with their kids themselves rather than downloading an app to do it?

I think it's just the general smug, unhelpful attitude (which you're demonstrating yourself) that people find annoying.

Dothehappydance · 27/12/2018 11:42

It is just a lazy response and unhelpful. It is nonsensical as well. Just take a bit more effort and give suggestions.

Anyway using an app is a perfectly valid way of controlling screen time. It is simply a different way.

GenerationSnowflake · 27/12/2018 11:53

there was a truly beautiful - and genuine - post about a mother in tears because of the behaviour of her 5 or 6 year old, who was destroying the place, making the whole family miserable, being a horrible and nasty pest to his brothers and sisters, the lot. At the end of her cry for help, she wrote that : we do not believe in disciplining our children, so do not suggest that, we are looking for other kind of resolution

GrinGrinGrin

the fact that other children's life was made miserable was the only thing that was genuinely sad in the story.

Helix1244 · 27/12/2018 11:58

GenerationSnowflake that is just so ridiculous! Of course sometimes a child's personality affects the way they behave. Some parents have lots of kids and they are not all the same.
My 2 on xmas day the oldest by 3yrs was messing about at the table whilst youngest was fine. Sometimes they just enjoy being naughty.

I think parents being strict can definitely help (most) kids. But if some are misbehaving it doesnt mean that their parents are less strict, in fact they may be much more strict. Some kids are just harder work.
They are up late as they just dont sleep.
I guess when oarents were generally stricter if would have been easier to see which children struggled for other reasons. Often now it is clearer when starting school.
Some kids too control themselves at school and then are awful at home and those parents are lucky enough not to get judged, but other kids just have no filter

Paddy1234 · 27/12/2018 12:28

I only recently started reading mums net and am totally overwhelmed with the judgemental vitriol being spouted from a large core when people are only asking for advice.

GenerationSnowflake · 27/12/2018 12:55

Paddy1234
start a thread about how often you wash your beddings and your pyjamas, and it's world war 3 Grin

LuvSmallDogs · 27/12/2018 12:56

“Parent your child” can mean anything from “tan their hides” to “have a calm discussion”, I mean we’re all parenting aren’t we?

The only time I can think that that phrase makes sense is when dysfunction has taken hold to the extent that the child is being emotionally abused by being forced to act as a parent’s parent/spouse/adult confidant, because the parent really isn’t parenting anymore. And by that point intense therapy/SS is what’s needed anyway.

Believeitornot · 27/12/2018 16:59

Using an app to track screen time is lazy IMO.

pay attention to what your child is doing!!

Satsumaeater · 27/12/2018 17:22

people who actually make the effort to ‘parent’ their children and are cognisant of the significant effort and emotional investment it takes on a daily basis

Sounds somewhat sanctimonious. There is no such thing as "parenting" your child. It's not a verb. You are a parent. You look after, guide, and do nice things for your kids. And use your best endeavours to prevent them being a nuisance for other people. If they reach 18 happy and healthy you've done your job. That's being a parent for me. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes with our kids, even especially MNers.

Satsumaeater · 27/12/2018 17:24

And I realise that "health" is not always in the gift of the parents. Just meant it from eg the perspective of them not falling over drunk, being massively obese or taking drugs.

Applepudding2018 · 27/12/2018 17:52

I agree OP.

After all if parenting were that easy Mumsnet would not have taken off in the first place!

I think there's quite a fine line between being too strict / too lax.

Growing up DS had two friends, both nice boys from nice families, well behaved, well mannered. Both families 'parented' but to my mind one was over strict, didn't allow freedom appropriate for age and the other boy was allowed too much freedom. My parenting 'hack' was to aim somewhere between the two!!

BottleOfJameson · 27/12/2018 17:57

There are also quite a few posters who absolutely love to assume the worst of the OP. So any behavioural issue will be because OP doesn't set boundaries, anxiety or separation issues will be because OP didn't put them in nursery early enough.

My aunt was the absolute worst of the worst when it came to be a smug know it all parent. She had 4 kids who had slept through, eaten well etc. they might have had minor issues at various times but always quite easy to solve. She was as smug as you could get....until she had her fifth. Right from the start this baby was hard work. Wouldn't sleep in her own cot for love nor money (my aunt used to roll her eyes at co-sleeping families), was very particular about food, outrageously stubborn, couldn't sit still. This girl has no SEN and is very bright just much much more challenging than her siblings . Suddenly my aunt learned to wind her neck in and be less judgemental about other parents.

GenerationSnowflake · 27/12/2018 18:04

It's also true that parents of reasonably well behaved children know that it does take quite a lot of work and effort, and have no sympathy for those who can't be bothered but complain.

Many kids would love to watch tv until midnight, only eat junk food, interrupt grown-ups, play hide and seek in a public place, not share their toys, sing in a cinema and do exactly what they want. It's easier to let them frankly, but parents do not and are there to put boundaries and rules.

There's only one who pipes up stating that some parents have it easy because their kids are angels. Well, no, they are just like yours, but some of us do our job as parent!

Dothehappydance · 27/12/2018 21:15

I like lazy parenting. Halo

Anyway, I have areas I struggle with, just because I have these doesn't mean that I never 'parent'. Life isn't as black and white as some people like to think it is.

Well, no, they are just like yours, but some of us do our job as parent!

Are you saying that every child has the same personality? That every child responds in exactly the same way to every situation? That is clearly not the case, therefore different parents are going to experience different challenges. I am more concerned when a parent claims that they have no challenges, I don't see that as proof of someone parenting, in fact the total opposite.