To feel a bit sad or confused? Or both?!

[changingusernamefornow]

NC for this
OK so I was born abroad and I was not going to my home country for Christmas. Big family, only me and brother have DCs.

Two of my siblings (sister and brother with new baby) are over there for Christmas.

My other siblings don't particularly like children (not Herods but not particularly interested, won't have them either) or have been around them much.
My sister just informed me that "she has no clothes to wear for our niece Christening" 😳
Say what?

AIBU to think they could have told us this was happening? 😳

I have a normal relationship with my brother. I thought maybe it was because we didn't do a big wedding (just us and witnesses) and SIL likes a Vendetta (which of course would still mean they were both "guilty" not just her) but my other sibling said that they had no clue either.

I asked my sister who is going and she said, well, he just sent me a text the other day to ask me to be the Godmother 😳 and that it is an "informal" event and no need to dress up, yet it is in our hometown big impressive Cathedral that I know takes a long time and strings to book.

My sister who is going doesn't have anything to wear and as much as he says"casual" we all know that won't be the case.

I can only think that
A) she didn't want my sister to dress up (she commented on the dress I wore to her wedding for months -a royal blue, modest neck line Karen Millen dress) and she buys something if we bought it, like dresses.
B) since we are no longer religious, my brother thinks we would judge, which makes me think I need to work on how I project my opinions as I am very respectful of religion, just don't follow anymore
C) it really is an informal event and he forgot to tell me?
I just exchanged messages the other day with him and talked about his plans so I feel confused and maybe a little sad...

I thought maybe it is because he has seen how happy DC is and that he thought we are good parents and that he would have asked me to be godmother?
So I asked my sister who wasn't told and she said she is sad as well.

Be honest!! 💙

I'm sorry you're sad and confused OP. There's no accounting for families.

Would you have been able to go to your home country if he had told you DN was being christened there? Maybe he didn't want you to feel as if you had to spend the money to travel there if money is tight?
No, we wouldn't as husband can't travel and he knows that.

This could make sense actually, but I would have wanted to send my niece a nice card and some money?

I just don't see why he didnt say "oh we are doing this but please don't feel like you have to come"

Thank you @posthistoricmonsters and all posters

I'm sorry you feel sad and left out OP. Perhaps your brother was trying to not make you feel worse that you can't travel, because of your DH's health?

You sound like a lovely sister and aunt. 💐

I think your db just decided just now to have the christening and just invite who ever is around. Its not like a wedding. My db lives abroad and has a few dc. He often held the christening off until some family member was visiting. Those of us at home would not even know( or care)
If you were godmother then you're sister wouldn't be so someone is going to be left out. Its no big deal.
I have over 20 nieces/ nephews and not a godmother to any of them as l left the church of my family. I don't care. I have good relationships with them all.
People who don't practice shouldn't even give one thought to a christening.
You were free to do your wedding your way. He is free to do his thing. There is not point in getting upset.
I could understand your post very clearly.

I think this is possibly more to do with your feelings about your sister than anything else

You sound like a lovely sister and aunt. 💐
Thank you, I don't usually think too highly of myself but I am a good mum and I guess it hurt there.
I think your db just decided just now to have the christening and just invite who ever is around. This would make total sense if it wasn't because the Cathedral in our town is massive and you can't just book a Christening. You are absolutely right that they should have it their way I agree, and that they can choose whoever for Godmother and someone would be left out, you are right there too. But my brother and I have always been close, whilst my sisters were very close to each other. I have been very involved with the baby in terms of chatting about parenthood all the time and helping when he needed help, whilst my sister is very vocal about "too many children in the world, overpopulated, not interested, all parents just talk about children all the time" so I guess it is all a bit unexpected.
And then maybe IABU and that is ok, I learn then

I think this is possibly more to do with your feelings about your sister than anything else I like my sister! Both! Just that my brother always confides in me and my sister openly thinks children are a bit But I shall think about what you said, maybe I have some feelings there to explore?

@MirriVan please don't think I mean that you are being hurtful on purpose but this is very hurtful
Your understanding of English words is obviously very good OP, but the whole post I found very garbled and difficult to grasp. Sorry I know that's not what you wanted to hear and it's not relevant to your post (which I now understand via the explanation of others) - but if you're wanting to communicate in written English I do think it's important that you are aware.

I have lived here for 10 years and I have studied a Masters here as well, I also work and communicate daily. This is the first time I have been told anything like this. Not just you! But other posters as well.

It is so upsetting.

Maybe the post is a bit jumbled but I am a sleep deprived parent and I was upset and posting with toddler around.

I think to say that "if I am wanting to communicate in written English I should be aware" is both patronising and unkind.

Sounds like the family from Hell.

@jessstan2

I think it is a very complicated family and maybe why I live abroad?!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your English.. I'm struggling to understand how there are people who couldn't understand your original post..
Maybe you could send your brother a message and mention the christening?
When we had our sons we didn't specifically ask my dh brother as we know he can't travel due to mental health and we didn't want to pressure him as we knew he would want to come... We did make sure that dh mum mentioned it to him and he knew when it was etc. And I hope he knew he would always be welcome to come..
His brother did write to us and send his best wishes for the day and we Skyped with him the next day and showed him pictures..
If you want to you could always be the bigger person and maybe text and say you just wanted to send good wishes for dn on their christening day etc.. It also lets your brother know that you know about it but without the confrontation you don't like.

@MirriVan accepted, thank you.
But you were not the only one, so I can't help but think that my English is indeed not good enough and I will never have an amazing career here. I have studied it for 25 years now so I can guarantee it won't get any better.

Maybe all I needed was an anonymous forum to know the truth
My husband is English and he has never said it is bad either so I am a bit upset he has let me go around talking in jumbles

Anyway, I shall report back if I hear from my brother!

If you can't talk to your brother without it becoming a drama (and I understand why you don't want more drama with how hard your year has been) then perhaps try to assume good intentions on his part. Especially as you say you are normally close.

He knows you couldn't come over due to your husband's health. So he doesnt want to add pressure.

He either wants to improve your sister's relationship with his children. Or perhaps it was a last minute thing to ask her to be godmother (hence not telling her with enough warning to bring a dress), or even a last minute thing if there was a cancellation at the cathedral.

Your op was no more difficult to understand than many on here. When we get emotional it can be hard to know how much back story to give

@MirriVan - (which I now understand via the explanation of others) - but if you're wanting to communicate in written English I do think it's important that you are aware. is atrocious English! The OPs was very good.

@Smurf123 yes I think I would like to do that and send best wishes. I am so not a nasty person and I hope they have a wonderful day, they waited a long time to be parents and so they should have it their way.

This is helpful because I wanted to know if I was BU and maybe they did it for those reasons you mention.

Thank you, sorry, my heart is aching a bit now because of the English comments, I think since Brexit it has been quite an emotional time and I feel people are more open about making certain comments and I am finding it hard to keep my chin up.
They say "EU citizens will be allowed to stay and work" but then I feel singled out when I just wanted to be like any other poster

OP, plenty of native speakers post garbled AIBUs, it's not just you. I think your English is excellent.

@Powerbunting I think you are right If you can't talk to your brother without it becoming a drama (and I understand why you don't want more drama with how hard your year has been) then perhaps try to assume good intentions on his part. Especially as you say you are normally close.

If I want a happy relationship with him and the family I should project positive feelings and support.

Maybe the "it is not about you" that we hear often should be applied to me!

I think tomorrow I shall text him and say I heard of the event and I am sending my love

Thank you 💙

Thanks @MirriVan I think I got upset and I find it hard to think when I am upset. I shall take a little walk and come back

I think your English is fine too. I guessed it wasn’t your first language, but I wonder how many posters who criticise could write that well in a second language?

Does your sister have children? I was thinking it was a way of involving her in a child’s life, and your brother doesn’t think you need this role as you are a mother.

Ah changing you sound lovely. Your OP was a little confusing at first, but I think it’s understandable when you’re feeling tired and emotional. I was born in Britain, have a good degree and a professional career and my English is shocking 🤣. You have nothing to worry about!
It seems likely that your brother has done this with good intentions. I can think of lots of possibilities:

1. Your DH can’t travel and he doesn’t want to put pressure on you to come when you can’t.
2. Your sister doesn’t plan to have kids - perhaps he sees the godmother role as her chance to be a ‘parent’.
3. You are no longer religious so he doesn’t think it’s appropriate to ask you.
4. You already seem to have a close relationship with your niece and perhaps he is trying to foster stronger bonds with other members of the family too.

I’m not saying I agree with any of these points but they are all possible and they are all valid reasons why he might not have asked you. Your plan to send a friendly message tomorrow and give a present to your niece when she is home is an excellent one.

@SandunesAndRainclouds I just wish people couldn't tell, that I just blended in like everyone else  I studied so hard and I know I have an accent, but to have it in written English too? 
She does not have children and maybe that is why he did it then?
Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill after all!

@Myshinynewname Yes, 1,2 and 4 are very possible. With 3, none of us is religious, neither is my brother but his wife is. But 3 out of 4 is not bad 😀 I am not that nice! I try but I think I am not that nice at all

In all honesty, some people like to choose people who do not have their own children to be godparents - more chance they will give them better gifts and maybe leave them money in their will! Or in a nicer way, they will be more interested in the godchild if they don’t have their own child.