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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Almost 7 year old worst loser

72 replies

Ansumpasty · 26/12/2018 12:42

AIBU to have come out of my son’s room thinking ‘yuck’

Some alone time with my almost 7yo son while the others are out. Thought we’d get out some new games he got for Christmas.

Every time he loses, he literally storms off saying he hates the game or even starts to cry and say he’s never playing it again.

How do I stop this repulsive behaviour (besides letting him win every time, which can’t be good) or is he destined to be one of those awful people who swipe the counters from the board game when they lose!?

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 26/12/2018 12:44

Just chivvy him along. Don’t indulge it and don’t pander to it. Bit strong to refer to it as ‘repulsive’ behaviour!

Just a ‘come on now DS, it’s a game. Don’t be a sore loser’.

kitkatsky · 26/12/2018 12:45

No advice but 7yo DD is just the same. If she starts I ban board games for a week and let her think about why, but tbh it hasn't made a difference so clearly not the right approach

Dimsumlosesum · 26/12/2018 12:49

Model the correct response to losing, rinse and repeat (even if it takes years).

Original poster
Ansumpasty · 26/12/2018 12:50

@DianaPrincessOfThemyscira
Trust me, it’s repulsive. Tried Operation and he’s just kicked the game and said he hates it and is never playing it again. £20 well spent Hmm

We are passed ‘come on it’s just a game.’ I say that when it first starts to creep in, ie, when I get 1 point. Doesn’t work when he’s crying saying he wants to put the game in the bin.

Good to know, @kitkatsky. I hate the thought of him acting like that in front of other people!

OP posts:
fedupski · 26/12/2018 12:51

I had this with my 7 year old this morning. I explained that if she was going to sulk, I wasn’t going to play any more. She weighed it up and stopped sulking. I think it’s an age thing, my 9 year old did it at 7 and she’s grown out of it now.

MrsKCastle · 26/12/2018 13:00

Think about how he is feeling. Does he have self-esteem issues? When he loses, it may well be that in his mind it's not 'oh I was unlucky that time' but 'I just can't do it, I'm rubbish at everything'. In which case he might need you to model making mistakes and getting things wrong, to show that's ok and normal.

Anythingforacatslife · 26/12/2018 13:05

It’s an age thing, he’ll grow out of it and until then anyone should understand that he’s seven, and disappointment is a difficult emotion for him to learn to handle. Give him a break.

ShowOfHands · 26/12/2018 13:06

Learning to play is a v important lesson and some children find it hard. The concepts of winning, losing, learning, sharing etc in a controlled environment can be so difficult. If he is reacting this way, it's not because he's just a sore loser but because he's learning to be last, to fail, to struggle. We are socialised to handle it and have perspective. Children have to learn emotional regulation and this is how. You model it, you talk, you chivvy, you don't immediately rebuke. It's as much about self esteem as anything else.

Girlicorne · 26/12/2018 13:11

My 9 year old is the same and always has been we just tell him not to be a bad loser and try to laugh it off. He's a bit better now I think it comes with age. (His football team get battered 10 0 mos Saturdays so he's used to losing now!!!) Just jolly him along that its just a game.

Athena51 · 26/12/2018 13:14

I was like this as a child and still am but I grew out of it. Not that my family ever let me forget what a sulky bad loser I was.

He'll grow up and stop doing it, especially when nobody will play games with him.

BirdieInTheHand · 26/12/2018 13:18

He's still very young for this to be a big issue - as others have said, chivvy him along and the second or third time he reacts negatively stop the game, no big drama just tell him you're no longer going to play.

They learn eventually, but I wonder given your reaction ("repulsive") if he has witnessed a lot of over dramatic behaviour

RavenWings · 26/12/2018 13:18

Does he do any team sports or similar activities? Football, boxing etc? They are really good at teaching how to win and lose gracefully. It's an annoying stage when they're learning this but he will get through it.

user1andonly · 26/12/2018 13:21

OK. Can't take the credit for the idea but this is what someone suggested to us and it takes some effort but it worked!

Choose a non-pressured time to sit down for a game. Explain the new rules.

Get some paper, divide into columns, one for each person playing.

Each time someone loses a turn, gets landed on, throws a one etc etc. They are to smile, laugh it off, be polite about it etc and then they get a tick in their column (for children who are finding it hard, everyone praises them for achieving this)

At the end of the game, you have the 'winner' and you also have the 'best loser' who also gets a cheer (or whatever the winner gets in your household)

Also model 'good winner' behaviour i.e. not boasting too much as it's only a game after all.

It's along time ago now so this is an outline of what I can remember. You can modify it to suit your family.

It does take a bit of effort but since games were previously no fun for anyone, it was well worth it. Mine are all grown up and great to play board games with!

ShotsFired · 26/12/2018 13:28

I read something about how it's far more effective to praise children for effort/behaviour than achievements.

I can't think of a game that immediately translates to, but just putting it out there as a suggestion.

keenkaren · 26/12/2018 13:29

Not everyone is good with games like this. I avoid board games as an adult as I hate losing. But there are plenty of other things to do

HomeMadeMadness · 26/12/2018 13:31

He's only tiny. Some kids find it more difficult to lose than others. There's a boy in my eldest class who can hardly play competitive sport because he gets hysterical when he losses or isn't good at something. It's part of his personality but he's getting a lot better. It takes practise and support. Don't let him win or pander to the dramatics when he losses but at the same time don't make the experience even more negative by letting on you find his behaviour "repulsive".

When you play again talk about what will happen if he losses. Maybe you can develop a silly thing you all when you loose? (e.g. loser pulls a silly face). It will take a lot of practise but he'll get there.

Original poster
Ansumpasty · 26/12/2018 13:35

Thanks, everyone! He’s said he’s sending the games back to Santa. Xmas Sad

@BirdieInTheHand Oh dear, some people Hmm

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 26/12/2018 13:48

When he wants to play just say no. Say that his attitude ruins the experience and you'd rather play with someone else.

Roamingseams · 26/12/2018 13:48

Our rule is that the winner tidies up. This gives the loser something to gloat over too! Spares the worst arguments as DD1 was a terrible loser until we introduced that rule.

hollyhaphazard · 26/12/2018 13:51

"Ok DS your behaviour tells me that you aren't ready to play these games. Let's pop them away and try again when you feel more ready. We should only play games when we feel like we can be a good sport." Then put them away for a month and try again. But honestly why did you buy a sore loser of a kid games for Christmas?

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 26/12/2018 13:59

Mine has just turned 7, but he was like this throughout his 6th year and is now slowly growing out of it. In the end we started quietly making 'reasonable' concessions - not to avoid tantrums, but just to reflect the fact that he's still developing the resilience he needs to be able to lose to adults. It worked for us, and these days he tends to insist on fair play.

Muddlingalongalone · 26/12/2018 14:02

May I suggest eye found it. It's a collaborative game so everyone wins or loses together.
Otherwise I mix up letting her win, stopping
Interestingly for dd1 who is 8 in March, playing games at school with friends has helped her because if she behaved like she did at home nobody would want to play with her.
Possibly no consolation but I only grew out of being a bad loser when I had children and if I play with db I regress to childhood v quickly because he cheats

ILoveChristmasLights · 26/12/2018 14:05

He’s not a ’sore loser’ he’s seven. You seem to have forgotten how small this is. He’s got a lot to learn in life yet. Plus, as others have said, it’s a reflection of how they’re feeling...that they aren’t clever/able enough.

I’d put winning/losing games away for a while or adjust the rules. Let him learn to play without the winning/losing aspect. You can use a timer so that the ‘end’ is when it times out, not when someone wins or loses.

Spend time playing with things together, like Lego. Take turns finding pieces, following the instructions etc.

Above all, don’t label him a ‘sore loser’ he’s seven, not 17. He just needs to learn and grow.

blueskiesandforests · 26/12/2018 14:11

Try collaborative games, there are loads.

As others say, forewarn him that it's no fun to play with a bad loser so you won't play game x, y and z until he can promise to be calm if he doesn't win. If he's stropping you stop playing, or if you're playing as a larger family he leaves the table/ room.

Does he have problems with recognising and knowing what to do with his emotions in other contexts?

I don't think it's ok to even let yourself start thinking of your own 6 year old as repulsive, no matter what they do Xmas Sad

blueskiesandforests · 26/12/2018 14:14

Forbidden Island is a collaborative game my 7 year old likes - it says 10+ on the box, but he can manage. I wouldn't play with multiple under 8 year olds, but if all the other players are 10+ one 6 or 7 year old can play too.