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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a little bit gutted

60 replies

HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 19:39

That my OH of 3 years didn’t propose today. Now to be clear I k kw many people are together longer shorter etc the time together is not important.
This year has been hell health wise almost losing our baby and then almost lost my own life a few weeks ago. I said to a family member I had seen a present pile wrapped and Joked “there’s not a ring box there”. They laughed and said be patient. When I mentioned to his side about my feelings a few weeks ago that I would love him to at some point soon not necessarily today they again looked away and said it will happen soon hopefully.
I haven’t gone on and on about it, i. Fact it’s the first time I mentioned to his family member at all.

Anyway just a bit gutted I dunno I felt vibes he was going to by the above discussions. And when we had been out in town recently he said he had to run back to a shop to collect something but never appeared with anything from that specific shop, he was oddly secretive about Christmas this year when we never have been. Anyway just a self pity thread it’ll happen in time

OP posts:
TwoLads · 25/12/2018 19:43

Why are you waiting for him to propose? Also Christmas proposals are so tacky - is the proposer supposed to be the present? Is wanting to commit to a legal contract a nice present?

Have a conversation about it - say you want to get married. If he does too then start to plan a wedding (or whatever it is you want to do).

Waiting for a proposal is pathetic and childish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2018 19:44

Have the two of you spoken about getting married? Either in general terms eg it’s something you both want to do in your lives, or as in that you want to marry each other. He might not want to propose if he’s not completely sure of where you’re at.

YANBU to be a bit disappointed but the person you should be talking to is the man you want to marry, not your family or his.

B1t2Indy · 25/12/2018 19:46

Tbh the reaction from the family member could have been them feeling a bit awkward. Did he give you a gift today?

The other thing is that he may be planning it, just not today. Just because it hasn't happened today it doesn't mean it won't happen at all

GlassLantern · 25/12/2018 19:47

Still 4 hours in which you can propose to him.

This isn't the 1950s

TBH i don't think that proposing is a thing anymore, equality and all that.

Wonkysack · 25/12/2018 19:50

New year proposal?
I get you OP. I wouldn't want to have to propose. If they don't want to ask you, why would you beg? I am sorry you're disappointed. x

NotAnotherUserName5 · 25/12/2018 19:51

Could be planning something on New Year’s Eve.
You’ll get lots of people on here saying why don’t you propose!

Original poster
HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 19:52

We have spoken about it. Before and after child. Before we had child we discussed and I stated I wished to be engaged/married etc he said he would too preferably before Baby was older. Spoke of our baby toddling about which would be good.
He wants to be it the “traditional” way he said. He asks I accept we plan etc. So not planning a wedding prior to proposal childish or not that’s what we both want. The family member of his I spoke to we are pretty close but yeah I guess it would have been maybe a bit. Never mind

OP posts:
sirmione16 · 25/12/2018 19:52

Don't fret over it! You'll drive yourself mad, just be happy you're in a secure loving relationship and let him do his thing! Poor guy probably knows how you feel don't pressure him. Jeez.

Original poster
HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 19:54

Wonkysack and notanothetjsername. Exactly why I don’t want to propose a bit too. A close family member planned the wedding etc and didn’t really “get engaged” but then did as so many passed judgement on it as well

OP posts:
PoutySprout · 25/12/2018 19:55

He wants to be it the “traditional” way he said

The sexist way, you mean? How romantic. 🙄

WillowPeach · 25/12/2018 19:57

My OH has just proposed to me last week after waiting 7.5 years. Last year we discussed a timeline and he said it would be within 1.5 years and true to his word, it was within 12 months. Could you have this chat with him? Not as an ultimatum, more like a general discussion to get where his head is at with things. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough year, hopefully 2019 will be a much better one!

TwoLads · 25/12/2018 19:58

Traditional? Waiting until after children?
He's making excuses

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 25/12/2018 19:58

Be patient op.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 25/12/2018 19:59

Didn’t tjeboat sail on ‘traditional’ when you had a kid? I don’t mean that in the harsh way that reads. It just sounds like he’s stalling/doesn’t want to as if he were traditional he’s have proposed before/when you were pregnant.

WillowPeach · 25/12/2018 20:01

@pourysprout

Just because a man would like to be traditional doesn’t mean he is sexist at all. What a strange comment to make. Long gone are the days when women were viewed as property but some traditions have just stood and it’s up to the couple if they want to stick with them. Would you say a father walking his daughter down the aisle is sexist also? Given that she’s no longer seen as property in this day and age.

I asked my OH wouldn’t let me propose to him, he said “because I want to be traditional and show you that you’re the kind of person that is worthy of proposal”. Romantic and thoughtful I think.

Original poster
HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 20:02

Yeah it’s been a pretty tough shit year bar the birth of our child.
He said he didn’t want to do it when pregnant as he wanted it to be for us and not just because we had a baby

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 25/12/2018 20:02

Hes not so traditional that he can't manage a child before marriage. Im sorry but youve made it easy for him not to commit. I dont fancy your chance of getting him to propose. Its going to be a miserable wait if you keep building up every nice opportunity for a proposal then feel let down. Time for a full and frank discussion.

Grobagsforever · 25/12/2018 20:05

FFS OP. It's 2018, you've had his baby why on Earth are you waiting for him to propose? Just tell him you want to marry and ask him on which month he'd like to do it. You're being ridiculous. He's NOT the boss here. Make a decision together like grown ups

SassitudeandSparkle · 25/12/2018 20:06

This really isn't something you should be discussing with his family, OP! He won't thank you for trying to put pressure on him another way.

TwoLads · 25/12/2018 20:06

'worthy of a proposal'?!

Thewifipasswordis · 25/12/2018 20:08

Yabeu OP. And daft. It's not 1950 fgs. Just tell him you want to pick a date seeing as e cant be arsed to pick a ring.

Purpleartichoke · 25/12/2018 20:09

Gosh I’m old. I don’t understand why people keep having children together if they aren’t ready to commit to one another legally.

Op, I kept expecting my long term significant other to propose. We even got to the point that he asked me to start planning a wedding, but we couldn’t be officially engaged yet. He did eventually propose and we got married. It was a horrible mistake. He wasn’t abusive, but we just didn’t belong together and we started fighting more frequently. I ended up finally having the courage to end it. It would have been better if we had the courage to end it before the wedding.

When I finally got with the right guy, he couldn’t wait to propose.

PoutySprout · 25/12/2018 20:10

Just because a man would like to be traditional doesn’t mean he is sexist at all. What a strange comment to make. Long gone are the days when women were viewed as property but some traditions have just stood and it’s up to the couple if they want to stick with them.

So how do you feel about “traditions” based on racism? Can they be continued without issue? If they were once based in sexism then they still are.

Would you say a father walking his daughter down the aisle is sexist also?

Not in and of itself. If he gives her away at the end it’s absolutely sexist.

Given that she’s no longer seen as property in this day and age.

And yet she will likely change her title and surname without a second thought, denoting that she is now his. And her OH won’t even consider changing his. Also extremely sexist.

I asked my OH wouldn’t let me propose to him, he said “because I want to be traditional and show you that you’re the kind of person that is worthy of proposal”. Romantic and thoughtful I think.

Vomit-worthy that you fell for him having control of your future relationship status as romance, really.

PoutySprout · 25/12/2018 20:11

'worthy of a proposal'?!

It’s akin to bidding on livestock at an auction, isn’t it? Sooooo romantic.

anewyear · 25/12/2018 20:11

I proposed to my Dh NYE 2003.
We got married August 2004, My boys were 3 & 6 at the time.
Suited us...