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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a little bit gutted

60 replies

HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 19:39

That my OH of 3 years didn’t propose today. Now to be clear I k kw many people are together longer shorter etc the time together is not important.
This year has been hell health wise almost losing our baby and then almost lost my own life a few weeks ago. I said to a family member I had seen a present pile wrapped and Joked “there’s not a ring box there”. They laughed and said be patient. When I mentioned to his side about my feelings a few weeks ago that I would love him to at some point soon not necessarily today they again looked away and said it will happen soon hopefully.
I haven’t gone on and on about it, i. Fact it’s the first time I mentioned to his family member at all.

Anyway just a bit gutted I dunno I felt vibes he was going to by the above discussions. And when we had been out in town recently he said he had to run back to a shop to collect something but never appeared with anything from that specific shop, he was oddly secretive about Christmas this year when we never have been. Anyway just a self pity thread it’ll happen in time

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/12/2018 20:12

Whatever you do, keep working full time and make sure you are not solely responsible for child care costs.

If he asks why tell him you need to protect yourself as you are not married.

I’m also in the “he’s stringing you along “ camp. No reason why he can’t propose now and then have the wedding once your child is a toddler. The timeframes for that would be about right if he proposed now and then you plannedtge wedding.

I hope you get what you want but on the meantime please look out for yourself

Original poster
HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 20:13

I said there to him I was a bit gutted. He said it will happen but he feels Christmas ones are tacky (sorry to anyone who has at Christmas just his opinion).

OP posts:
LuciaLuciaLucia · 25/12/2018 20:16

Maybe Im pushy but 8 years ago after only 1,5 being together I said: Either you are in or Im OUT.
Yes it was an ultimatum. But I wasnt prepared to hang around waiting for what if´s. Are you OP?

DannyWallace · 25/12/2018 20:16

@HKAB18 you'll get sooo many people telling you YABU because you should propose/don't need a proposal/he doesn't want to etc etc.

All I'm saying is I was in a similar position to you a few years ago (but no DC). We had spoken about it loads, and DP (now DH) said he would prefer to propose as he knew what he wanted to do, but wouldn't turn it down if I did it first.
I waited. It was amazing ❤️.
We're now very happily married.

Definitely not sexist. There's nothing wrong with either person proposing!!

Rachelle3211 · 25/12/2018 20:17

So you've had a baby... He wants "traditional" which seems slightly far gone now. And he's told you Christmas proposals are tacky. It totally sounds like he's stalling to me.

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/12/2018 20:18

If being married means that much to you, don’t have kids beforehand. I realise that this is a bit late for you. This would also be the “traditional “ way that he was so keen on.

MrsSchadenfreude · 25/12/2018 20:20

And if you’re not working, you’re in a very vulnerable position.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 25/12/2018 20:20

I'm currently pregnant (planned) and not engaged as I don't want to be married. There's no benefit for me as the higher earner and also having my child from a previous relationship to think of.

However I wouldn't have tried for a baby if I did want to get married as why would they marry you when they have all the benefits but no legal obligation to you? I know it's a bit late now but you may want to think about if you can be happy without marriage.

And the old "I'm traditional" excuse. If he were that traditional he wouldn't have moved in or had a baby prior to marriage.

I wouldn't want to have to propose. If they don't want to ask you, why would you beg But God forbid a man should feel like that about proposing! Amazing how it isn't consisered begging that way around!!

GlassLantern · 25/12/2018 20:27

You have a child?

Then you are being ridiculous, you have bypassed the proposal and marriage bit.

Just book the registry office. Tell hime a few hours before. If he won't go with you on the spot then move on.

PoutySprout · 25/12/2018 20:30

Just book the registry office. Tell hime a few hours before. If he won't go with you on the spot then move on.

He’ll have to be part of giving notice........ 😉

Lightbulbs · 25/12/2018 20:44

Don't say anything. Something similar happened to me. I had a drink and then had a whole, ' if your not going to propose, where is our relationship going?' type chat. I got upset.... he got the ring out... and proposed. Turned out he had a big elaborate plan to propose later in the week and I ruined it. It will happen when it will happen.

Original poster
HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 20:45

I work full time. Everything is split 50/50. I guess I IABU after all.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 25/12/2018 20:46

I'm with Purpleartichoke and MrsSchadenfraude. If he were 'traditional' he wouldn't have had a child before marriage. He's got no reason to commit to you. Really hope you haven't give up FT work.

pissedonatrain · 25/12/2018 20:51

Just propose to him or book the registry office.

Traditional... nonsense. You've already had a baby with him.

Now days women are supposed to offer to pay for dates or pay half and ask men out all 50/50, but somehow they are supposed to be "traditional" and wait around until he decides to propose???

It's been 3 years and you have a child with him. If he doesn't do it by New Year, then you do it.

Original poster
HKAB18 · 25/12/2018 20:54

For any poster worried I am reliant on him financially etc I’m not I work full time in a reasonably paid job that I could manage on my salary alone. He’s aware of this. I’ve made it clear to him I want marriage. So perhaps I should consider whether he really does and if he doesn’t where that leaves me

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2018 20:58

YANBU to feel disappointed. But it’s also not inevitable that it’ll just happen. For every story of someone accidentally “ruining” an elaborate proposal long in the planning, there are countless people on here all the time who wait years for it to never come. There also seems to be a strong correlation between couples who have children before being married and then subsequent angst about “tradition” and proposals where either he wants to propose or she wants a proposal.

For the people who mutually agreed to marry it’s hard to understand how marriage is considered different to other big decisions which affect both parties and become something one bestows on the other, or waits for from the other, especially when you must have discussed having the baby/children you already share. You (hopefully) wouldn’t buy a house, make a will, have a child without talking it through and both being on the same page so why is marriage - a serious legal commitment - not seen in the same way.

Deadringer · 25/12/2018 20:59

It's almost 2019 and here we are, yet another thread with a woman waiting for a man to decide her future for her. There is nothing traditional about your situation op. I say the same thing on every one of these threads, if you want to get married tell him so and if he is agreeable start planning the wedding. Proposals are not romantic imo, even if/when it happens, will the 'romance' make up for how you are feeling now?

velourvoyageur · 25/12/2018 21:00

Right so his wish to be the one to propose trumps your wish to get confirmation on an engagement (whichever of the two of you it is proposing and whatever the outcome is). How can you be sure that his motivation is romance and not 'I can't be arsed' or 'I want to buy time because I find the topic too inconvenient rn'? Are you supposed to wait around in limbo because he's told you this is what he wants but won't communicate further about it? If it's important to you then a conversation about your desires and intentions is very reasonable. Agree with GlassLantern, engagement doesn't have to follow a proposal, why can't it follow a discussion?
The act of getting married is serious and should be taken seriously, especially if your being unmarried puts you in a precarious position. Notions of romance should be secondary to considerations of what it represents to you both in legal and practical terms. It's your future so do all you can to gain control of it - don't leave it up to someone else! Be an advocate for yourself because you naturally can't 100% trust a partner to look out for your own interests - your DP already has the exhaustive role of being his own advocate.

(A father walking his daughter down the aisle is sexist if in that family they would not also ask their mother to walk them down the aisle because she is female, and if a son, because he is male, would not ask a parent to walk them down the aisle. Of course many traditions are rooted in sexism. If the sex of the people involved is unnecessarily significant in any way but is nevertheless made to be a condition of that role being enacted (i.e. 'person who walks down the aisle' must be female in order for the tradition to be fulfilled and not deviated from) then yes sexism is involved. If you like these traditions, fine, but then just own the sexism instead of claiming that you would never endorse anything sexist in any form. The concept of 'non-sexist' doesn't have as its essential condition 'would not be endorsed by me.')

Loopytiles · 25/12/2018 21:01

As PPs have said, the “I’m traditional” card expired when you had DC. Sounds like he’s fobbing you off.

Also agree that it was unwise to discuss relationship matters with his family.

Glad you work full time. Also important that he fully shares the parenting / domestics, eg drop offs to and pick ups from childcare, so that you can give adequate time and energy to your job - as much as he does his.

Pernickity1 · 25/12/2018 21:08

Gosh I’m old. I don’t understand why people keep having children together if they aren’t ready to commit to one another legally.

Not old - just judgmental.

MrsStrowman · 25/12/2018 21:13

I'm the higher earner, DH and and I both changed names when we married, we split household tasks equally, i expect no less of him because he has a penis. I did not want to be the one who proposed, I am the organiser and planner in every aspect of my life and I'm fine with that it suits my personality, I wanted him to have responsibility for this, and Orkut begat I knew about my fertility issues u wanted him to react to marry me as me, not as the mother of his children or out of any obligation. DH is pretty laid back but we'd had a conversation fairly early on where I made it clear I wouldn't be having children before marriage, whichever industry you're in your career and reserving is affected by taking mat leave, I also made it clear I have diagnosed fertility issues and fertility is time bound. DH proposed when I was 31 we'd been together six years. I was starting to lose hope but we had bought a house together by then which we'd been saving hard for in the years prior. I was resolute that it was one thing I wasn't taking charge of and was willing to walk away, I wasn't going to chase him and I want going to beg, we'd discussed it as adults and he knew where I stood. We married last year, baby this year.
If that's what you want talk to him honestly. In your own mind put a deadline on it. You've made it trickier by having a child first as it isn't so easy to cut your losses.

adaline · 25/12/2018 21:18

You're not unreasonable to feel disappointed - but if you've sat down and discussed it and both want the same thing, can you not bypass the whole "proposal" malarkey and go straight to booking the wedding?

Argonauts · 25/12/2018 21:41

OP, in the nicest possible way, this is ridiculous. It’s almost 2019, you’re an adult, a mother and hold down a job — plus you nearly died this year, which I can’t imagine not clarifying things — and you’re reduced to hanging about hoping and hinting for a proposal via your DP’s family, because you’ve swallowed hook, line and sinker some patriarchal codswallop about your man ‘being traditional’, despite moving in with you and impregnating you without being married. Which also apparently means you don’t get a say in your own destiny, but have to be entirely passive in case you ‘ruin the moment’.

Because his desire to dictate the terms of your relationship and secure important rights for you, has to come at his bequest, because he’s a man. Hmm

thebaronetofcockburn · 25/12/2018 21:47

Not old - just judgmental.

Nothing at all judgemental when one of the parties wants/has wanted that type of commitment but gone ahead and set up house and home without and then wonders why it's not forthcoming.

Hohohonooo · 25/12/2018 23:44

My (unoffical) sister in law has been waiting about 15 years for a ring. It was painful when she used to drop hints to me, and to watch her open a ring box shaped present at Christmas that would be earrings. After about 5 years I told her to just ask him outright if he wanted to get married or not. He doesn't; says it there's no point and a waste of money. She's pretty much accepted it's not gonna happen, but still hoping he'll change his mind.

Speak to him about what you want. If getting married is important to you then tell him. Life is too short!