DH left last night,AIBU to let him hang as he grows?

[SusanneLinder]

Probably should be in relationships, but posting here for traffic.
Bit of background so I don't drip feed. DH has ADHD.He struggles with his MH, and doesn't react well to stress. Been together 21 years.
DD aged 20, has high functioning ASD. She has major kick offs when stressed, and forgot her meds over weekend. She has done this before. She kicked off yesterday over something ridiculous. I told her to calm down, and come to the car when ready as we were going out. I went to car to de-ice it. Came back in and apparently she had a go at DH too, shouted and swore at him. He shouted back, and told her to leave and not return.
I told her to go to car, and spoke to DH calmly and said it's Xmas Eve, no one is leaving. I spoke to DD in the car, and told her on no uncertain terms, that her behaviour was unacceptable. She agreed, once she had calmed down, she always does, and is ready to apologise.
So we went out. He phoned me and stated that if she came back, he was going. I finished what I had to do ( with DD), and came back to house, leaving her in the car.
Got back, he's packed a case, taken down the Christmas tree and decorations, and said that Christmas is cancelled, and phoned my 2 older girls and let them know.
Off he went, and he is in a hotel, on his own. He says I am picking DD over him, but in my head, I cannot comprehend his wanting to chuck out his own daughter at Christmas, despite her behavior.
He says he won't return whilst she is there as it is one kick off too many and she needs to grow up. I refuse to kick her out.
Older girls think he is being a knob, and tree is back up, and we are carrying on Xmas as best we can.
I can cope with her behaviour, we fall out, but we sort it, and I don't go to these lengths. He is now refusing to speak to me or DD. He will speak to older girls, but today he won't speak to anyone.
Generally he is a good man ( despite yesterday), and DD being the youngest was always a Daddy's girl, despite her kickoffs.
I don't see how we can move on from this. I suggested Family Counselling. DD is willing, he won't have it, as he went through it before for himself, and he says it will make no difference.
Am now considering a permanent split, as am not sure I can forgive him.

Your DD has ASD and forgot her meds. A meltdown was inevitable. If he can't cope with her needs then he should fuck off and stay fucked off imo.

Sounds like he is having some kind of breakdown. I get it- we have a child with ASD.

He needs to go the the GP.

Very unfair on you expecting you to choose between them. He’s being extremely unreasonable but is obviously in some kind of crisis.

Do you have anyone else, maybe a family member who could check in on him and say you are all worried?

In the longer term your DD and he need to communicate and learn to compromise and also both learn that kicking off is just not ok.

Poor you, I hope you resolve things soon.

But he has MH problems as well, so does this affect the way he reacts. Not saying that makes it right but maybe a bit more understanding. I would leave him to stew for a bit then see how he feels and take it from there

Susanne I don't want to leave you with no replies. Your decision to call time on your relationship with your husband after his ridiculous over reaction is the right one. He is out of order to ask you to choose between him or your dd. Don't waver make sure he lives with the choice he has chosen, he is emotionally abusing you by making you choose between emotionally supporting him or your daughter, a reasonable person would u derstand you can do both.

I would divorce him for that tbh.

Bad timing but it sounds like he's at the end of his tether and I don't blame him.

He may have MH problems but he is an adult and it is exhausting trying to manage everybody's moods and meltdowns
I split with my H earlier this year for that reason. DC is very challenging and he was making my life harder and miserable
We remain amicable and he is a better parent not living with us
He still can't manage her meltdowns in an adult way and every time he responds badly I know why we are not together
I have asd but I have learned to manage my responses

Christmas heightens everything. No big decisions until everyone has had time to calm down. Don't give up on people you love straight away, even if they behave like absolute fucking dickheads (which he is). Hope you get some peace and space.

Even with MH problems he is behaving very badly. And taking down the tree....that's a tantrum.

Let him stew unless you think he's at risk. He'll come back when he wants something, and if not problem solved.
Try for counselling again and let him know he's close to the edge
Good luck, god xmas is a nightmare

Don't make any permanent decisions today.

He's struggling with his mental health, your DD didn't take her medication (any reason why not?) and it's Christmas - people are generally more stressed etc. than normal anyway. All those things combined have probably pushed him to breaking point.

What support is he getting for his mental health problems, and what support is your DD getting with her ASD?

He's an arse. I've an ASD child and I know the strains all too well and that we all reach breaking point with it but he's the adult here and he needs to act like it.

So he'd shouted at her and told her not to come back. And when you got back (leaving her in the car) he announced Christmas was cancelled, and indeed he'd taken the tree down in your absence to reinforce that idea.

Both of those reactions seem to me to be about him trying to be in control of the situation. He felt he wasn't in control of what was happening to him, so tried to assert control over others. Does that make any sense? Is it in sync with his normal way of dealing with stress?

Yes, he has MH issues. That affects his reactions. But throwing his daughter out was just not on. He is in the wrong, and by refusing to speak to you I think he knows it. He's painted himself into a corner.

You are right to refuse to kick your daughter out. You are handling it, he is refusing to consider taking steps that could help him to handle it. I think I would text him along the lines of 'I'm here when you're ready to talk' but otherwise yes I would leave him to stew. He over-reacted and his refusal to accept that is his problem to solve.

For you to be considering a permanent split, I can only assume this is the straw breaking the camel's back, and that you have had to weather similar from him in the past?

He says I am picking DD over him

And that's ok. Pick her. Pick her every day you possibly can. I have a DS with ASD and there are times we have absolute family revolutions over minor-seeming things. If DH suggested leaving over one of DS13's moments I'd be hurt for sure, but I'd also pick DS13 every day of the week and twice on a Sunday because he's my child.

Your DH needs some alone time to come to his senses and realise what a colossal arsehole he's been. Don't chase him, don't speak to him, get on with the next week of your lives and leave him to fester til he's ready to grow up. By that point you'll also be focussing more clearly on you in all of this; in your post none of it is about you, how he's supporting you, how you feel, what you want. It's all about him. And that's a dictatorship.

Yes, please pick your DD over the man-child every time. So many times you hear that parents have favoured the partner, which is very sad. He is technically a mature man, albeit with additional needs. Your daughter still needs you more. My XH forced me into a similar decision, but slightly different circumstances, where he was picking on DD and starting to abuse her the same way as he did me. Long standing issue with women... I figured that I had chosen as an adult to be married to the arse person, but daughter (his daughter, btw) had not. I think you need to protect her in this situation. Yes, he might be stressed, but he has really thrown his toys out of the pram hasn't he

I would 100% always pick my child over my husband (except in extreme issues such as rape/murder)

Yes he has MH issues and I would give him a little lee way for that but expecting you to choose is out order

I suppose I worded wrongly when I said he asked me to choose, he actually didn't. I had to make a snap decision, because I felt that she didn't have a choice when he wanted to kick her out, but he had a choice to leave, and that was his choice IYSWIM. I feel as if I had to choose, he didn't ask me to, but he feels I have made the choice, one I didn't want to.
People have been checking on him, inc myself, because despite his behaviour I do love him. I cant cope with being piggy in the middle. He states he is fine and wants to be left, but understandably I am worried. He had attempted suicide before, although it was some years back. I told him I noticed his MH deteriorating yesterday, he keeps saying he is fine.
She forgot her meds because she was away for weekend and forgot to pack them.
Both attend psychiatry.
I won't make any rash decisions, but will see how this goes.

One of the defining traits of ADHD is impulsivity. So in that regard, your DH's reaction is understandable. And parenting a child with ASD is difficult, even when you're neurotypical. And Christmas is hugely overwhelming for people with sensory issues, as is probably likely with both your DH and DD. The change in routine can be anxiety-provoking, and anxiety can come across as aggression

My own feeling on it is to let him calm down and have the hotel for a few days if you can manage it. Then, if he can climb down, he can try to repair the relationships. But, that is only if you're prepared to accept his apology. ADHD is difficult for everybody, and while it explains things, it does not excuse them. Unfortunately, it's a fact of life that ADHD makes relationships harder in the same way as amputation affects mobility.

I can sort relate op, my oh suffers from depression and December is always particularly difficult for him. This year he has refused to celebrate Christmas Day with me and our kids as apparently it’s always about my family.

I agree to give him space and know how hard it is when it’s connected to mental health but there is only so much you can do if the other person isn’t prepared to step up and accept things. Hope you still manage to have a good day x x

I don't feel sorry for your DD or your DH, I feel sorry for you Op having to manage their behaviours and being the peacemaker. I would tell them that you are fed up with the pair of them and being piggy in the middle and that no-one thinks of your mental health when they are both kicking off and so you are leaving and they can both get on with it. (I don't really think you should do this, but no-one would blame you if you threatened this if they don't take steps to manage their behaviour and that includes remembering to take medication and getting counselling).
You have my sympathy, you must be a saint. Hope you manage to have a decent Christmas despite your family.

Thankyou Emma. Your post made me tearful...😪. In a good way.

DH should not be kicking your DD out (IMO) and definitely not without discussion and agreeing with you.

It is not a rational decision to kick their DD out on xmas eve hopefully he will see that and understand it's not "choosing".

LTB and concentrate on your kids. Your DD must feel so unwanted. Reassure her and love her hard. The poor girl.