DH left last night,AIBU to let him hang as he grows?

[SusanneLinder]

Probably should be in relationships, but posting here for traffic.
Bit of background so I don't drip feed. DH has ADHD.He struggles with his MH, and doesn't react well to stress. Been together 21 years.
DD aged 20, has high functioning ASD. She has major kick offs when stressed, and forgot her meds over weekend. She has done this before. She kicked off yesterday over something ridiculous. I told her to calm down, and come to the car when ready as we were going out. I went to car to de-ice it. Came back in and apparently she had a go at DH too, shouted and swore at him. He shouted back, and told her to leave and not return.
I told her to go to car, and spoke to DH calmly and said it's Xmas Eve, no one is leaving. I spoke to DD in the car, and told her on no uncertain terms, that her behaviour was unacceptable. She agreed, once she had calmed down, she always does, and is ready to apologise.
So we went out. He phoned me and stated that if she came back, he was going. I finished what I had to do ( with DD), and came back to house, leaving her in the car.
Got back, he's packed a case, taken down the Christmas tree and decorations, and said that Christmas is cancelled, and phoned my 2 older girls and let them know.
Off he went, and he is in a hotel, on his own. He says I am picking DD over him, but in my head, I cannot comprehend his wanting to chuck out his own daughter at Christmas, despite her behavior.
He says he won't return whilst she is there as it is one kick off too many and she needs to grow up. I refuse to kick her out.
Older girls think he is being a knob, and tree is back up, and we are carrying on Xmas as best we can.
I can cope with her behaviour, we fall out, but we sort it, and I don't go to these lengths. He is now refusing to speak to me or DD. He will speak to older girls, but today he won't speak to anyone.
Generally he is a good man ( despite yesterday), and DD being the youngest was always a Daddy's girl, despite her kickoffs.
I don't see how we can move on from this. I suggested Family Counselling. DD is willing, he won't have it, as he went through it before for himself, and he says it will make no difference.
Am now considering a permanent split, as am not sure I can forgive him.

I feel most for you, expected to sort it all out. It is bloody exhausting trying to engage productively with everyone to sort out all the mess, squashing whatever your natural reaction is, always (or even just usually!) acting in the most productive and adult way. It sounds like you are "handling" both parties with style, but it is tough, relentless and thankless.

I wouldn't blame you, OP, if you took yourself off to a hotel for a night or so to get some headspace. By the same token I couldn't vilify your husband for doing it either. We all snap and make mistakes, and with autism in the mix you're always treading closer to that line. But, but, but... if it's always one parent throwing their toys out of the pram and always the other being the grown up and picking up the pieces, it gets extremely tiresome, bone achingly exhausting and bloody irritating for the latter.

I also agree with Augusta, and it is unfair of them both to make you the referee in this. Your DD needs to take the meds because as a PP said, if this happens when she is not with you the consequences could be a lot more serious for her.

She did suggest she moves out, but we have to take a day at a time.

I find it quite interesting she said that. She’s got issues at the moment with taking her meds reliably, which could well be a way of rebelling for her. She’s really chafing at her Dad who she is normally close to. And the argument largely centred around her being expected to go and get in the car with her parents to fit in with their Xmas plans - something which a 20 year old might feel is a bit childish.

If she’s suggesting moving out straight away, do you think possibly the underlying problem is that she wants and needs more independence but is struggling to work out how to do it or even identify that need?

I think you need to agree that nothing can be done until January. After that might it be worth looking at the possibility of supported housing?

Hes an adult shes barely grown up.

Oh FFS: she's old enough to drink, have sex, drive, vote, join the army, get married, buy a house, hold down a job...This infantilising of young people does them no favours.

2 days emergency supply of meds in a safe place? It's quite important not to stop suddenly. You can usually get emergency dose from gp or a&e but it is a hassle

Thanks to everyone who replied ( even the blunt ones ), I actually appreciate honesty, even if it's hard to read. Have an update.
Well DH and I had a frank discussion. I totally get how he felt, and told him I reacted to the situation as it transpired, that my first job was to protect her as a mum. I also said that I can't live in a war zone.
However, I have also had a discussion with DD, and stated that whilst I understand she has issues, she can't keep kicking off when things don't go her way and she must use the coping issues she has to stop herself. When she struggles, we will use the warning system, so she is clear she has to use this time to calm down.
DH has agreed also that he will walk off when it is overwhelming for him, and I will deal with her ( sometimes he manages brilliantly, other times not so well ).
Both have agreed, no more war zones, and if DD cannot behave like an adult ( despite ASD), she will have to move out and live independently, however this will be a managed move, and we will never make her homeless. That was my red line with DH.
Of course she is entitled to be angry, but she has been taught how to manage it.
Probably more discussions than I have remembered to post, but it is positive and we are happily moving on as a family.
Plan to enjoy rest of festive season, especially after my nomination for Nobel Peace Prize..
Enjoy rest of festive season people.

Nothing helpful to add but you sound amazing

They're both very lucky to have you.

Glad you have it sorted OP. Happy hols.