DH left last night,AIBU to let him hang as he grows?

[SusanneLinder]

Probably should be in relationships, but posting here for traffic.
Bit of background so I don't drip feed. DH has ADHD.He struggles with his MH, and doesn't react well to stress. Been together 21 years.
DD aged 20, has high functioning ASD. She has major kick offs when stressed, and forgot her meds over weekend. She has done this before. She kicked off yesterday over something ridiculous. I told her to calm down, and come to the car when ready as we were going out. I went to car to de-ice it. Came back in and apparently she had a go at DH too, shouted and swore at him. He shouted back, and told her to leave and not return.
I told her to go to car, and spoke to DH calmly and said it's Xmas Eve, no one is leaving. I spoke to DD in the car, and told her on no uncertain terms, that her behaviour was unacceptable. She agreed, once she had calmed down, she always does, and is ready to apologise.
So we went out. He phoned me and stated that if she came back, he was going. I finished what I had to do ( with DD), and came back to house, leaving her in the car.
Got back, he's packed a case, taken down the Christmas tree and decorations, and said that Christmas is cancelled, and phoned my 2 older girls and let them know.
Off he went, and he is in a hotel, on his own. He says I am picking DD over him, but in my head, I cannot comprehend his wanting to chuck out his own daughter at Christmas, despite her behavior.
He says he won't return whilst she is there as it is one kick off too many and she needs to grow up. I refuse to kick her out.
Older girls think he is being a knob, and tree is back up, and we are carrying on Xmas as best we can.
I can cope with her behaviour, we fall out, but we sort it, and I don't go to these lengths. He is now refusing to speak to me or DD. He will speak to older girls, but today he won't speak to anyone.
Generally he is a good man ( despite yesterday), and DD being the youngest was always a Daddy's girl, despite her kickoffs.
I don't see how we can move on from this. I suggested Family Counselling. DD is willing, he won't have it, as he went through it before for himself, and he says it will make no difference.
Am now considering a permanent split, as am not sure I can forgive him.

Good to see so much compassion for the clearly mentally unwell husband on here...
Your daughter is 20 so maybe it is time that she found her own place to live as it is not sustainable for adult children to continue to live with their parents if they cannot get along.

Caught between an adhd'er and an asd is not a fun place to be. Unless you have this combo in your family then no one gets it's. Is dh on meds? Tbh sleep on it and give it space. Adhd'ers can rarely admit fault or mistakes and will argue to the death.

I'd get yourself counselling op to deal with the pressures.

I have to say I think some of the posts on here are very harsh on your DH.

It sounds like this is happening regularly and could be avoided if she took her meds. If that’s the case and her behaviour is entirely avoidable, I don’t see why your DH should put up with being verbally abused in his own home on a regular basis.

She is an adult and personally this not taking meds and having meltdowns would be incredibly worrying. If she ever behaves like this in public she is going to be in danger of being arrested. Is there anything you can do to stop her missing meds? Dole them out yourself?

It does sound like she is in a cycle of not taking her meds, being abusive, making an insincere apology then starting the cycle all over again. Especially given your DHs own issues, I do think there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

I think possibly your husband is right that they shouldn’t be living in the same house. In your position you need to decide whether looking at more independent living for DD or divorcing DH is the best option.

But I do have a lot of sympathy for him being used as a whipping boy every time she forgets her meds and dealing with his own issues can’t be easy.

Well said Augusta2012. You are spot on! There's nothing I can add as you said it all.

” tree is back up, and we are carrying on Xmas as best we can”

Sounds to me like you’re doing just great. You sound like a fair, loyal and resilient woman. Keep making good decisions.

He reacted badly, that doesn’t mean the end of your relationship. I feel for you. I do hope you are all back together and ready to forgive soon. Remind yourself how amazing you are OP!

I think both of them are equally selfish. Both are adults, and refusing to take responsibility for their mental health and fucking things up for you and your DDS. There is NO excuse for meltdowns when you can prevent them through medication. Similarly, there is no excuse for fucking off to a hotel no matter what your mental health.
I'd take a good long look at the dynamics of your family and put yourself first.

I'm with Emma, other than that I don't believe in making 'threats' or ultimatums that you don't intend to keep. So don't say you're going to leave unless you are prepared to carry it out. This is because it 'blunts your weapons'. Their behaviour isn't going to change overnight, there will be other 'kickoffs' and if you don't leave after you've threatened to, then they won't believe any other 'threats' (or promises) you make and will feel no need to change.

Things aren't going to change without family counseling. If your DH will not go, then you do need to end the marriage.

Thank you Augusta2012. I would say your analysis is pretty accurate. I did message him as someone suggested, and state that I although I found this difficult, I did love him and I was trying to see his point of view, and that I was here if he needed me. I didn't say that I struggled with him wanting his daughter chucked out at Christmas. Thats for another day.
The older girls are coming round soon, and we are trying to salvage the day as best we can. Especially as I have 2 excited grandkids coming too, and I will give an Oscar winning performance for them.
The 20 year old and I will have a discussion tomorrow about where we go from here re her kick offs. She did suggest she moves out, but we have to take a day at a time.
Can I say a thank you to everyone, you have all been very helpful to a miserable cow, when you should be enjoying your own day xx

So he is bothered that you picked her ? I wouldn;t want to be with nayone who didn't put their children before me and vice versa. The children will always come first. But in reality you should not be put in a position where you have to 'take sides' - he made you do that, he is the one who issued an ultimatum, not your Dd who kicked off, yes, but then calmed down and apologised.

If he needed to get away for a few hours to calm down, ok - go to a hotel. But to take down the tree and tell everyone Christmas is cancelled ? Says who? How dare he?

I have mental health problems, Christmas can be a real struggle, but I do my best and I get through it as best I can because I want others to have a good time.

I would receonsider my relationship with someone who wants to ruin Christmas for his wife and children. Carry on with your day as you are doing. Don;t let your DD think it is her fault - she didn't make him leave, he chose to. She has ASD, of course Christmas with all the changes and over load to the senses is going to be hard for her. he should know that. She doesn;t need to grow up, he does.

Sending you and hoping you can still enjoy your day and move on from this afterwards.

X-posted - I'm glad you have talked and that grandchildren are coming later.

I understand .ive 2 with autism.an adult dc and child dc.i think I have it too.sometimes I get so overWhelmed and stressed with life ,I could easily do what you husband has done..Xmas is very overwhelming for people on the spectrum,all the change ,and expectations.i struggle to not loose it daily.its so hard trying to manage a child's ASD when your struggling with your own mental health

it is one kick off too many and she needs to grow up
So why is she regularly kicking off?
By now she should have coping strategies in place when she feels herself getting angry, she can always remove herself from the room/people too until she's calmed down.
Instead she CHOOSES to shout at others knowing full well that she will get away with it by using her asd as an excuse.
Seems like this has been a constant and regular pattern.

I can cope with her behaviour, we fall out, but we sort it, and I don't go to these lengths
Well of course you don't - you're not the one suffering from MH issues or have ADHD!
You can understand your dd going to those lengths though can't you?
You've always got an excuse ready for her.

I told him I noticed his MH deteriorating yesterday
So on top of the usual daily stress he suffers, the christmas stress and now his dd kicking off with him how the hell can you not understand why he just wants to get away from it all?
He was managing fine before your dd started acting like an uncontrollable brat.
Now he wants some space to deal with his feelings and you're giving him grief over that too!
Fuck christmas - his mental health and wellbeing are far more important than partying and being forced to hang around toxicity.

I bet your dd is used to kicking off and not having to face any consequences, it certainly sounds like you never hold her accountable for her actions.

It seems like it's ok for her to involve the rest of the family in her dramatics and nobody is allowed to say or do anything other than pander to her.
You seem to expect your dh to behave in a neurotypical fashion when you know he isn't, yet you don't expect this of your dd.

It certainly shows how little you think of your dh and how little his feelings are valued.
Your dd needs to grow up and start acting like an adult - but that would require boundaries and discipline from you which don't exist.

Agree with augusta

And with heebie

Well obviously his behaviour is ridiculous. He can't unilaterally decide DD is kicked out and Christmas is cancelled. Either he's just a complete and utter dick or this is part of a larger issue. Perhaps he's had huge amounts of stress bubbling under the surface and he's become completely overwhelmed. Perhaps he feels a bit impotent in terms of DD and her treatment - as if he hasn't been listen to. Perhaps he's struggling with DD growing up.

Either way he shouldn't be dealing with it like this but it might be useful to know what's triggered it.

My first thoughts on reading the OP were completely in agreement with everything EmmaPeel said. Your DD is not a child so I don’t see why her condition and associated needs should trump your husband’s. They both need to learn to manage their issues better, before they drive you away altogether.

I must admit when I started reading the responses on here, I thought I'd read a different OP to everyone else, but some more balanced responses have come along later.

Yes, your DH is an adult - and so is your DD. Yes, your DD has ASD - and your DH has ADHD. And yet intially, he was being vilified whereas she had apparently done nothing wrong hmm

It's you I feel for, caught in the middle. Neither of them considering YOUR feelings in all this: both preoccupied with themselves.

Hes an adult shes barely grown up.

You should be the one going to the spa hotel and let them bloody well all deal with it. Same for our dd.

SusanneLinder I am so sorry for you. I cannot rival the excellent comments from IwantedtobeEmmaPeel.

Can you organise a respite break for DD so you can have an uninterrupted chat with partner?

I think you sound very strong and are doing the right thing. He doesn't sound great.

Hes an adult shes barely grown up
Grown up enough to go away on holiday without her parents.
Grown up enough to be allowed to do adult things and make adult choices.......but of course, never adult enough when it comes to self discipline and self control

I think wait til after Boxing Day when emotions are not so high, then re group & re evaluate. In future, can your DD set a phone reminder to pack meds if travelling to you (that you also double check she's done). Two sets of MH issues in one family is always going to be a challenge. If things are generally OK if DD takes her meds, chalk it up to Christmas mayhem & move on. If they are not, maybe re evaluate your relationships future (as your DP isn't up for counselling).

heebie, so how exactly do you suggest I discipline a 20 year old! Maybe it was fine for me to agree to chuck her out, and make her homeless. I love my DH to bits, this isn't an easy situation for any of us. I am caught in the middle of this between two people I love very much, but both of them have a habit of clashing with each other, and his first response is to kick her out, not for the first time. He chose to go, I didn't make him.