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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite her in?

64 replies

Shwave · 24/12/2018 19:13

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here becuase my head is all over the place at the moment.

I lost my baby at 20 weeks about 4 weeks ago. Im heartbroken, confused, emotional, but trying to keep busy and have a nice Christmas for the sake of our DD. Me and DH had already planned to have his family over on Christmas evening after dinner for drinks/games so we decided we would stick with that plan and I am looking forward to it.

Sil’s boyfriend will be joining us later on in the night and because he doesn’t drive he will be getting dropped off by his sister, who DH’s family know quite well. However, she is currently pregnant and still smoking and drinking quite a lot. I don’t want to sound judgemental, but after what I’ve just been though, and giving birth to such a tiny precious baby, I just can’t fathom how someone could do this and I don’t want to be around her. I’m getting upset just thinking about having to face her.

Would it be really rude of us not to invite her in when she drops off her brother? It’s a 30 minute drive each way so seems really cruel not to, but I just don’t want to be around her. Am I an awful person for this? Part of my grief is feeling anger and unfortunately this anger seems to be directed towards her, whether she deserves it or not.

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 24/12/2018 19:14

You don't have to invite her in. A cheery "hello!" at the door is fine. She should know you have been through a lot recently anyway.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

arranbubonicplague · 24/12/2018 19:17

As she's pregnant and it's cold (well, it is by us) is it possible that she'll need to nip to your lavatory? In which case it might be pretty uncomfortable not to invite her in.

MakeItRain · 24/12/2018 19:19

I actually think it's fine not to invite her in as you dont know her, and she'll probably want to get back to her family anyway. Just get whoever answers the door to give a cheery wave/hello, she probably won't even get out of the car anyway. I wouldn't expect to be invited in if I were her.
You've been through a tough time and it's ok to put yourself first. Flowers

paintinmyhairAgain · 24/12/2018 19:52

i would go upstairs when the door bell went and let someone else answer the door. it's a bit much pp saying cheery wave and hello. you know what you've been told / heard about her and it is very early days for you. why would you want to engage on any level ?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 24/12/2018 19:59

Get DH to answer the door and to make sure she doesn't come in. If necessary, he can tell her it'd be upsetting for you to be around someone who is pregnant, without mentioning smoking & drinking.

Put yourself first, ahead of being polite to someone you don't really know.

greendale17 · 24/12/2018 20:05

Smoking and drinking throughout her pregnancy? I would feel the same as you OP.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 24/12/2018 20:09

So sorry op Flowers

I agree with pp. get dh to answer the door. I’m sure she’ll just drop off and stay in the car but otherwise He can explain why you wouldn’t want her here being pregnant.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do Flowers

Birdsgottafly · 24/12/2018 20:12

My other smoked and drank all through her pregnancies, as did most of her peer group.

This Woman isn't the devil incarnate.

Her behaviour isn't connected to you loss and youve no right to make a connection.

Don't invite her in, it's your house, but it's rude.

How far pregnant is she? If she gas to stretch, what are you going to do? Leave her to piss in the garden and stay out in the cold?

Make sure you react so harshly towards any Men that you know who aren't 50/50 Parents.

It's always Women that get the flack.

HundredMileStare · 24/12/2018 20:15

Very rude.

Didn't drink throughout my pregnancy as I don't drink anyway but if I had wanted one then what gives a complete stranger the right to judge? I did smoke through both.

I'm not seeing at all how this woman is connected to the loss of your baby in any way whatsoever Confused

It's your house so your rules, but if that is your only reason then yes I think YABMU.

HundredMileStare · 24/12/2018 20:16

Crossed with brids!

bobstersmum · 24/12/2018 20:18

She sounds very selfish and irresponsible. Sorry for what you've been through op. Definitely get dh to answer the door and don't invite her in. Say you're not well if needs be.

PointlessPigeon · 24/12/2018 20:19

Do what you need to do for you op. So sorry for your loss x

monkeysox · 24/12/2018 20:19

Stare
I think most would judge that tbh.
It's nasty

Woohoo1 · 24/12/2018 20:20

It’s Christmas Eve and the pregnant lady is not invited in!? No room at the inn?

Hoppinggreen · 24/12/2018 20:21

I wonder if the people who are being so harsh and calling you rude have actually lost babies themselves ( apologies if they have)
However, if not then they can’t comprehend how it feels and how they might react. Of course this woman has nothing to do with the sad loss of OP’s baby but that’s talking logic and having lost a baby at 12 weeks I can tell you that logic doesn’t come into it
OP I totally understand why you dont want to see a pregnant woman, especially one who seems to treat her pregnancy so casually- of course that may not be the case but I know that it all seems very unfair at this point
Just say hello from the top sof the stairs and go and be busy somewhere
X

Woohoo1 · 24/12/2018 20:22

I have, two in fact

BottleOfJameson · 24/12/2018 20:23

I think that's completely reasonable in the circumstances. I think most people in her position (although most of us wouldn't be smoking and drinking) if they knew you'd lost your baby would keep a sensitive distance anyway.

Jessica78 · 24/12/2018 20:23

YANBU. It feels very unfair when others can have what you can't. I've been there too. Feels crappy. I'd just send someone else to do the door, try to put her out of your mind. She probably will want to get home and will just drop him off anyway. Hope it goes ok!

Whocansay · 24/12/2018 20:24

How do you know this about her? I can't imagine why anyone would think this was a good thing to discuss with you right now.

I think yabu, but I can understand why., It must be a horrible time for you. So sorry for your loss Flowers.

ItIsChristmasTime · 24/12/2018 20:26

I’m sorry for your loss. Flowers

YANBU to not invite her in although if she asks if she can join you, I think you will need to say something or get somebody else to politely say it on your behalf.

My baby died shortly after she was born and a huge number of pregnant women or parents with young children found it very hard to initially talk to me. I would imagine she will avoid you if she can.

For those saying the OP is BU, grief isn’t reasonable and it has only been four weeks so all of the post pregnancy hormones are still in full force.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 24/12/2018 20:29

I’m so sorry for your loss. I do feel for you and your DH. But it would be unkind not to invite/let her in.

RichPetunia · 24/12/2018 20:30

Invite her in. She probably won't stay long anyway. If she's driving, she won't be drinking and if she asks to smoke, she'll need to do it outside. She might want to be on her way straight away, but if not it would be rude not to invite her in. It'll also make it obvious she isn't welcome which could make things awkward in the future.

category12 · 24/12/2018 20:32

Hopefully it won't come up as an issue, and she'll stay in the car anyway.

You are being unreasonable, but I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

HundredMileStare · 24/12/2018 20:34

Of course this woman has nothing to do with the sad loss of OP’s baby but that’s talking logic and having lost a baby at 12 weeks I can tell you that logic doesn’t come into it

Isn't that the point in the thread though, so that people who can think logically can say, wait a minute, you're potentially going to leave a pregnant woman on the doorstep on Christmas night in possibly freezing temps and refuse her the toilet because you don't agree with her choices during her pregnancy?

On what planet is that acceptable behaviour towards another human being?

It might be harsh, I am sorry for the OPs loss but there just isn't an excuse for that type of behaviour in my opinion. If you are that affected to the point that basic human courtesy goes out the window then should you really be entertaining/ throwing a party with drinks and games? Makes no sense to me.

fluffymrray · 24/12/2018 20:34

YANBU at all op and I’m so sorry for your loss. Flowers