AIBU to not invite her in?

[Shwave]

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here becuase my head is all over the place at the moment.

I lost my baby at 20 weeks about 4 weeks ago. Im heartbroken, confused, emotional, but trying to keep busy and have a nice Christmas for the sake of our DD. Me and DH had already planned to have his family over on Christmas evening after dinner for drinks/games so we decided we would stick with that plan and I am looking forward to it.

Sil’s boyfriend will be joining us later on in the night and because he doesn’t drive he will be getting dropped off by his sister, who DH’s family know quite well. However, she is currently pregnant and still smoking and drinking quite a lot. I don’t want to sound judgemental, but after what I’ve just been though, and giving birth to such a tiny precious baby, I just can’t fathom how someone could do this and I don’t want to be around her. I’m getting upset just thinking about having to face her.

Would it be really rude of us not to invite her in when she drops off her brother? It’s a 30 minute drive each way so seems really cruel not to, but I just don’t want to be around her. Am I an awful person for this? Part of my grief is feeling anger and unfortunately this anger seems to be directed towards her, whether she deserves it or not.

If his sister is dropping him off, I doubt she will get out of the car.

Be upstairs when she comes. Your DH should invite her in briefly for a loo break/ cup of tea and then move her on. Get through any way you can. Perhaps you will be able to use the day to in some way influence her to be more aware of her responsibilities towards her small passenger.

I hope your day is as happy as possible.

do you know her really well? How do you know for sure what she is or is not doing? Don't displace your sorrow onto her. You already show insight in your own post that you might be doing that. Nobody really knows what is going on in other people's lives, just be kind. Invite her in, her situation has nothing to do with you, you are just looking for things to distract from your grief. I mean this in the kindest way and I am so sorry for your loss. You will feel better for not alienating someone else through your own loss.

Not inviting in an uninvited guest isn’t mean!
There is no safe limit for alcohol consumption in pg. Children have been born with mild FASD to mothers who weren’t heavy or binge drinkers. A lot of it is dependent on luck and what week of gestation exposure happened. That is why the advice is not to drink at all. If you have to have the odd glass of wine during pg despite it being medically advised not to you’re either spectacularly selfish and/or you have a drink problem imo.

Not rtft but I'm so so sorry for your loss.
You could tell your DH about how you're feeling. Then right about the time she is due to arrive, you could need to go to the bathroom. Then stay there for the duration of any visit.
Obvs wire your DH off to your game so he can hurry her out.
Please don't let it ruin your evening. It's really important that you have as nice a day as possible... considering what you are dealing with xx

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

No YANBU to not want to invite her in and I would echo PPs and have your DH answer the door.

If she needs to use the toilet I think YWBU to refuse her, but there is no reason to offer coffee/tea/visit to someone if they aren't invited.

I'm not inclined to judge women who drink or smoke during pregnancy. However, in your circumstances I think being around any pregnant woman would be difficult, and it's even more difficult when her lifestyle choices symbolise a lack of understanding of what you've just gone through.

I agree with PP: get your husband to take charge. By all means allow her in for a quick pee, if she asks, but this isn't a social opportunity so no tea/coffee/chat. If she has any empathy at all she'll realise you don't want to deal with pregnant women anyway.

I honestly can't believe anyone would drink or smoke whilst pregnant, it's so not worth the risk and so selfish. I can't believe there's people trying to defend it either or saying OP shouldn't be affected by it.

Of course OP would find it upsetting and difficult, she's lost her child and then you have some selfish individual who can't put their unborn child first and continously puts their health at risk. It's disgusting and OP has every right to not invite a person like that in her home after what she's been through.

OP I'm truly sorry for your loss and completely understand why you wouldn't want this selfish excuse of a mother near you, she should be ashamed.

I second getting someone else o answer the door . You're under no obligation to invite her in or host her. If she knows you lost a baby then she should have sensitivity to that fact. If she needs to loo fine, but she shouldn't expect to stay beyond that.

As someone who struggled to conceive for 4 years and suffered a loss I do judge women who smoke and drink while pregnant. The baby is asking for 10 months . How selfish to not put the child before your needs.

Your anger is misplaced.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can't work out why she would even need to get out of the car given that it's a 30 min journey each way & she's only dropping someone off. No doubt if she was desperate for the loo OP would have let her in (fairly sure that OP didn't explicitly rule that out despite what people seem to be saying) but why would anyone expect to be invited in for a cuppa when they're merely providing a lift?
And I'd be inwardly judging the woman for smoking & drinking & I've never been pregnant. What sort of parent are you going to be if you can't stop drinking & smoking while their body & organs are at that most critical stage?
Hope it went well OP.

YADNBU. I haven't experienced a stillbirth but I would still find it hard to be around someone who is selfishly endangering their unborn child. I imagine it must be even worse in your situation - you have lost your child through no fault of your own but her pregnancy is continuing despite the fact that she doesn't seem to even care enough to quit smoking!

On a practical level I agree with pp who say get your DH to answer the door, she probably won't even get out of the car but if she does then he shouldn't invite her in, if she asks to use the loo then he could say that it's OK as long as she's quick and discreet as you would find it hard to see a pregnant person right now in light of your recent loss. That approach would avoid any awkwardness whilst also ensuring you don't have to see her.

I think other posters who are saying you must invite her in and be polite are being completely unreasonable. You need time to grieve and being around this person will not help you. Whilst I would generally agree that there is a lot of judgement unfairly placed on women and mothers, I don't think it's unfair for you to feel like you feel and smoking is just so dangerous for the baby it shouldn't be blithely accepted as one of those "happy mum, happy baby" sort of things anyway.

Sorry for your loss OP Take care of yourself and your mental health above all else.

I’m currently pregnant, and if I was the sister and knew what had happened to you I wouldn’t even get out of the car I don’t think. Honestly I wouldn’t be offended at all that you wouldn’t want to see me, I would completely understand how much seeing me might upset you and I wouldn’t want to do that. I think you are totally NBU. I’m sorry for your loss

I hope you are having a restful Christmas, OP, and managed to ignore some of the nastier posters on here. I know how horrible it is to go through a late loss. Decent people who don't know what it's like can at least try and empathise. Treat anyone else as
trolls with their own issues and agenda.