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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not invite her in?

64 replies

Shwave · 24/12/2018 19:13

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here becuase my head is all over the place at the moment.

I lost my baby at 20 weeks about 4 weeks ago. Im heartbroken, confused, emotional, but trying to keep busy and have a nice Christmas for the sake of our DD. Me and DH had already planned to have his family over on Christmas evening after dinner for drinks/games so we decided we would stick with that plan and I am looking forward to it.

Sil’s boyfriend will be joining us later on in the night and because he doesn’t drive he will be getting dropped off by his sister, who DH’s family know quite well. However, she is currently pregnant and still smoking and drinking quite a lot. I don’t want to sound judgemental, but after what I’ve just been though, and giving birth to such a tiny precious baby, I just can’t fathom how someone could do this and I don’t want to be around her. I’m getting upset just thinking about having to face her.

Would it be really rude of us not to invite her in when she drops off her brother? It’s a 30 minute drive each way so seems really cruel not to, but I just don’t want to be around her. Am I an awful person for this? Part of my grief is feeling anger and unfortunately this anger seems to be directed towards her, whether she deserves it or not.

OP posts:

MonsterTequila · 24/12/2018 20:36

Yanbu OP. Can’t believe some posters are justifying smoking during pregnancy- it’s completely selfish (& vile, quite frankly) to put your baby’s health (& life) at risk so you can smoke.

delboysskinandblister · 24/12/2018 20:36

It's your house and your body. Do what you need.

If she asks to use the loo then I wouldn't refuse her as she is pregnant but then make your excuses so she leaves.

You have to be true to yourself after what you've been through and if she chooses to smoke while pregnant that's her choice but you have the right not to be around her because it is your house. If she has any sensitivity she would understand.

Andylion · 24/12/2018 20:42

The smoking and drinking aside, what if she thinks she would be rude to stay in the car and to not greet your after you have hosted her brother?

BottleOfJameson · 24/12/2018 20:42

Didn't drink throughout my pregnancy as I don't drink anyway but if I had wanted one then what gives a complete stranger the right to judge

I'm sorry but of course people will judge women who knowingly damage their child just because they want a drink. It's just staggeringly selfish. I do have sympathy for women who are addicted but to drink heavily just because you fancy a drink is outrageous and you'll be judged for it just as you would if you allowed your young child to drink.

coconutpie · 24/12/2018 20:49

It's a half hour drive, not a 3 hour drive! Why would you invite her in? No need at all.

Sorry for your loss

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 24/12/2018 20:49

I would stay out of the way. DH should answer the door, exchange pleasantries on the doorstep and ask if she needs to use the loo or would like a cup of tea before she does the return journey. Hopefully she’ll decline the drink, though she might appreciate a loo break. I think any less from you would be impolite, especially at Christmas.

0lapislazuli · 24/12/2018 20:56

You’re not an awful person, OP. You’ve been through a horrific time and so recently as well, so don’t feel bad about doing what you need to do.

It’s awful what she’s doing to her unborn baby and it’s so unfair what has happened to you.

To the person saying women used to drink and smoke all the time during pregnancy, this was before the large body of evidence that has been built since, showing exactly what the consequences are to babies. Knowing this and to still continue with this behaviour in 2018 is absolutely shocking.

HavelockVetinari · 24/12/2018 20:59

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lostmywayrightnow · 24/12/2018 20:59

I am so sorry Op for the loss of your baby. I truly don't think anyone can understand until they have experienced what it is like to lose a child (and I hope they don't). I agree about your DH doing the pleasantries etc. Take care .

Veterinari · 24/12/2018 21:04

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yesyouareyouare · 24/12/2018 21:16

Have you witnessed her smoking and drinking throughout or is it hearsay? Did you see her have just one or have you been seeing her drink daily?

yesyouareyouare · 24/12/2018 21:19

I suppose what I am getting at is is it second hand information? If it is then I think yabu.

MakeAHouseAHome · 24/12/2018 21:22

YABU. Your situation (sad as it is) is irrelevant. She can do whatever she wants when SHE is pregnant.

Handprints2018 · 24/12/2018 21:26

Be kind to yourself OP. I completely get feeling upset to see someone harm their baby by drinking and smoking, when you've lost yours despite trying everything to protect them.

Its not reasonable in some peoples eyes but grief isn't reasonable and this thread highlights that different people see different things as reasonable.

I wouldnt invite her in to see you. I would go upstairs so if she wants a drink or to use the loo she can but you don't have to see her. That's if your dh is ok seeing her too.

Graphista · 24/12/2018 23:07

Birds & hundredmile wtf is wrong with you?!

Smoking and drinking during pregnancy is completely unnecessary and can and does lead to pregnancy loss.

Op is still at a very early stage in dealing with her loss, ffs her body is still probably acting as if she's still pregnant! - just dealing with people that are pregnant at that stage is hard enough (I know and I've "only" had early losses!) without being confronted with a woman who won't for the sake of their unborn child quit 2 habits that are KNOWN to be deeply harmful to unborn children.

Op no YANBU if she needs the loo absent yourself for a while until she's gone but otherwise I see no reason for her to cross your threshold as she's just dropping someone.

So sorry for your loss

"I wonder if the people who are being so harsh and calling you rude have actually lost babies themselves" I too suspect they haven't. They also seem unable to accept not everyone is tough as old boots after such a tragedy.

My lovely now ex mil gave my ex an absolute bollocking for expecting me to attend a christening 5 weeks after our loss - I'd only been out of hospital a week! And she'd never had a loss herself but she had compassion & empathy.

Any woman that continues to smoke or drink while pregnant is bloody selfish considering we now know how harmful these are. No excuse.

Op have as good a Christmas as possible and do what you need to do to get through.

Gillian1980 · 24/12/2018 23:14

Yanbu.

So sorry for your loss.

Maybe someone can have a quick word with her beforehand to explain that it’s nothing personal but seeing a pregnant woman would be very upsetting to you at the moment.

I’m pregnant and would absolutely understand if someone said this to me. I lost a baby earlier this year and felt very emotional when seeing pregnant women or newborns.

AyoadesChinDimple · 24/12/2018 23:22

YANBU and anyone who says you are is also massively U.

I'm very sorry for your loss

Handprints2018 · 24/12/2018 23:26

I am sorry for your loss

FuckingYuleLog · 24/12/2018 23:37

Yanbu op. I would judge the drinking and smoking in pg. And I say that as a smoker who has been trying unsuccessfully to give up for about 15 years! I know how hard it is but from the moment me and dh started trying to conceive I didn’t smoke a single puff on a cigarette or have a single sip of alcohol throughout any of my pregnancies because I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself had anything happened that I could have avoided. It’s perfectly understandable having lost a pg so recently that you wouldn’t want to be around pg women let alone those who seem to be putting their pgs at unnecessary risk.
There is nothing to be gained from voicing your judgement though so I agree getting your dh to answer the door and explain, if necessary, that you’re not up to being around pg women is the way to go. If it was me and I knew your circumstances though I wouldn’t get out of the car.

Bambamber · 24/12/2018 23:41

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with pp who have said get someone else to answer the door so you can stay out of the way

Notasunnybunny · 24/12/2018 23:52

There is pretty much no evidence that moderate drinking in pregnancy causes any harm to baby, cases of damage that do occur seem to involve serious heavy habitual drinking. Obviously it’s impossible/ unethical to do clinical trials so easier to just say all drinking is bad as no actually safe limits can be proven. Women have been having the odd glass of wine whilst pregnant for years.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 24/12/2018 23:55

I remember that when I was very visibly pregnant with DS1 one of my work colleagues lost her baby. When she came back to work she found it really difficult to be around me and I completely understood. I did everything that I could to make it easier for her and would have never taken offence.

I cant understand why someone cant have a quiet word with her and explain that you feel uncomfortable being around someone pregnant. If she needs to nip in and use the loo thats fine, you dont need to see her. Its very early days for you, I think everyone should be bending over backwards to make it easier.

YANBU - I think you are being very brave to try and carry on with your Christmas.

PetronellaRabbit · 24/12/2018 23:55

It might be harsh, I am sorry for the OPs loss but there just isn't an excuse for that type of behaviour in my opinion. If you are that affected to the point that basic human courtesy goes out the window then should you really be entertaining/ throwing a party with drinks and games? Makes no sense to me.

Yes hundredmile it is harsh. Extremely harsh. OP can choose who she has in her own home - she can choose not to allow in a selfish inconsiderate woman who thinks nothing of endangering the health of her baby, and she can choose to host a party for friends who may help cheer her up in her time of loss. How are you so lacking in empathy that you cannot differentiate the two?

OP YADNBU and I am sorry for your loss

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/12/2018 00:08

It's pretty rude and unfriendly not to invite in a pregnant woman who is doing one of your guests a favour. As previous posters have said, her pregnancy and her behaviour in pregnancy isn't related to your loss.

Seeing signs of your loss in unconnected things that happen around you is pretty normal but wallowing in the bad feeling they stir up is not, and it's not helpful for processing your grief or moving on in a healthy way.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I know it's devastating. Be kind to your self, but don't be mean to others to do that. It won't really help.

Vicky1990 · 25/12/2018 00:15

I have been trying to find the words to convey my disgust and horror that a potential mother is engaging in practices that will harm her unborn child.
I totally understand how you feel and would not want to see or have anything to do with this woman.
Get somebody else to open the door if she comes to it and keep out of the way till she has gone.

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