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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP BU to call me dumb

66 replies

BSmart · 24/12/2018 19:12

Hello,

To start with. DP has a very strained relationship with his grandma, who he hasn’t spoken to for the past 9 years. Due to this, DS, aged 8, hasn’t had a close relationship with this grandma. Though, occasionally both the grandma and I keep in contact.

Moving along, DP’s mum lives abroad, always has been since I’ve known her. I would like to think we are quite close and she regularly Skypes DS. After many years, due to my own fears of flying. I have finally renewed my passport and DS will be getting his shortly. I mentioned to DP that I’m hoping to visit his own mum, alongside with DS, to where she lives abroad and that his grandma, who lives here in the UK, recently got in touch with me to bring DS to here over Christmas.

Cue DP “ Why do you want to do that ?! Stop trying to beg a friendship with my family, they don’t even like you, why are you doing this ?”. I relied “Oh- well, they haven’t given me an impression they like me but if they don’t, that’s fine. I’m only doing it for DS’s sake”.

He replied “You are 100% dumb for real ! My family don’t care about our child, they only want to hear information about me, from you, because I don’t talk to them.... you don’t know them like I do. That’s how STUPID, you are- you don’t think”.

I replied “Ok, if they ask about you, I would just reply- I don’t know but DS really likes them and I was only thinking of his sake”.

He replied “They’re not your family, so just fuck off”.

Would IBU to dumb him over this ? Or is he in the right - but isn’t articulating it well.

OP posts:
Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 19:14

Oh- and DP mentioned that, either his grandma or his mum, said “DS isn’t my grandchild”.

OP posts:
DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/12/2018 19:15

I'm horrified actually that he could be so vicious as to say these things to you. Does he usually speak to you like this?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/12/2018 19:16

Oh and if he speaks to his grandmother in acsimikarcway I'm not surprised they have a strained relationship!

DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/12/2018 19:17

A similar way - fat-finger syndrome!

Marshmallow91 · 24/12/2018 19:19

If my other half dared speak to me like that, he'd be spending his new year looking for somewhere else to live.

BrylcreamBeret · 24/12/2018 19:19

You don't deserve to be treated like that op, you are worth far more.

Sparklesocks · 24/12/2018 19:22

It’s absolutely disgusting he would talk to you like that. Disrespectful, vicious and nasty. Is this a common thing?

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 19:25

Thanks for your replies. His upset because I guess he feels like I’m going against his wishes.

OP posts:
DanielRicciardosSmile · 24/12/2018 19:28

Why are his wishes to keep you and DS away from his family? Something seems odd here - is there some history he's desperate to keep hidden?

twattymctwatterson · 24/12/2018 19:35

He definitely shouldn't be speaking to you like that but it sounds like there's information missing here. Does he view his family as abusive? If I was NC with family members and my partner was trying to maintain a relationship with them I imagine I'd find that upsetting

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 19:38

Something happened between him and his grandma, when he was a teen and then she kicked him out. Became homeless for quite a number of years. He resents her for that.

He tells me that they say nasty stuff and me and DS but he doesn’t tell me what.

OP posts:
Gettingbackonmyfeet · 24/12/2018 20:01

He is of course completely out of order speaking to you like that entirely unacceptable

But

Honestly from my view so are you , my DP were not pleasant to me , not abusive really but still very damaging emotionally and psychologically

My Exdh for his own reasons about his views on family being all even when they were toxic pushed me ( as I made the mistake of doing to him) to have a relationship

It was actually a huge betrayal

The people that had made me feel so small and worthless I was basically being told by my husband were more important than my own feelings

Thus dud untold damage

My DP on the other hand ...experienced their bile towards me and clearly told them that if they were so unpleasant to me and hurt me they would not be welcome in this house

He had my back,he would never dream of going behind my back for his own views

I have two children and they were stating the shaming and put downs with them

No of course he shouldn't speak to you like that but me ? Now after knowing what I know i would have left you for being so insensitive to my history and being more focused on your needs to be a family controller than what hurt me

TooManyPaws · 24/12/2018 20:07

They may not be your family but they are your son's family and he has a right to know who they are. Your partner needs to tell you why your son should not be in contact with his grandmother and great-grandmother.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 20:07

Thanks Getting. I think I would let this go. I wished DP will tell me WHY he doesn’t want DS to have contact with them instead of calling me stupid or dumb when I tell him they’ve made contact with me.

OP posts:
JustABetterPlayer · 24/12/2018 20:17

I actually find it hilarious that anyone would be offended or upset by being called a name from their partner or a family member Grin Thicker skin may be required, but I suspect this is a mumsnet only issue.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 20:20

JustAbetter

He calls me this every time I disagree with him. Along other words - bitch, no common sense, stupid...

OP posts:
LEDadjacent · 24/12/2018 20:34

LTB!

JustABetterPlayer · 24/12/2018 20:41

Context is impossible to determine from online forums and only one side. “You stupid bastard” i think is what my wife uttered to me only yesterday as I jumped heoroicly off a rowing boat to shore (And umm nearly capsizing the boat with said wife still in it). I’ve taken no offence and would probably have shouted worse had roles been reversed, should I leave her? Grin

Rachelle3211 · 24/12/2018 20:47

I think he is wrong to talk to you like that but I would be furious if my dh decided to contact my family if I was estranged from them. You don't need to know the details, you know he was homeless for years. That is enough.

museumum · 24/12/2018 20:47

No it’s not reasonable to call you names.

But I guess he feels betrayed by you. If my own family had left me homeless I’d be gutted if dh was all pally pally with them.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 24/12/2018 20:50

JustABetterPlayer I feel quite sad for you that you think this is normal...

OP this is not how someone who loves you should be speaking to you. It’s horrible.

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 24/12/2018 20:50

If my DP spoke to me like that it would be his own contact with the children he would be worrying about, not his mothers. In fact I wouldn't be having my children in contact with a man who thought it was ok to speak to the mother of his kids like that, until someone dragged me to court and made me.

BookwormMe · 24/12/2018 20:53

He shouldn't call you names like that, but if I was estranged from my family and my DP persisted in forcing a relationship with them when I made it clear I didn't want one (and thus didn't want my child to have one) I think I'd blow my top too.

Lizzie48 · 24/12/2018 20:58

He definitely shouldn't be speaking to you like that, it's really horrible, and not the way to speak to his DS's mother. But I also don't think you should be maintaining contact between your DS and his family against his wishes, either.

MiraculousMarinette · 24/12/2018 21:03

JustABetterPlayer are you one of those who claim that if you don't scream your face off at your loved ones you don't really care about them? Like all that 'abuse = passion' bollocks?

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