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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP BU to call me dumb

66 replies

BSmart · 24/12/2018 19:12

Hello,

To start with. DP has a very strained relationship with his grandma, who he hasn’t spoken to for the past 9 years. Due to this, DS, aged 8, hasn’t had a close relationship with this grandma. Though, occasionally both the grandma and I keep in contact.

Moving along, DP’s mum lives abroad, always has been since I’ve known her. I would like to think we are quite close and she regularly Skypes DS. After many years, due to my own fears of flying. I have finally renewed my passport and DS will be getting his shortly. I mentioned to DP that I’m hoping to visit his own mum, alongside with DS, to where she lives abroad and that his grandma, who lives here in the UK, recently got in touch with me to bring DS to here over Christmas.

Cue DP “ Why do you want to do that ?! Stop trying to beg a friendship with my family, they don’t even like you, why are you doing this ?”. I relied “Oh- well, they haven’t given me an impression they like me but if they don’t, that’s fine. I’m only doing it for DS’s sake”.

He replied “You are 100% dumb for real ! My family don’t care about our child, they only want to hear information about me, from you, because I don’t talk to them.... you don’t know them like I do. That’s how STUPID, you are- you don’t think”.

I replied “Ok, if they ask about you, I would just reply- I don’t know but DS really likes them and I was only thinking of his sake”.

He replied “They’re not your family, so just fuck off”.

Would IBU to dumb him over this ? Or is he in the right - but isn’t articulating it well.

OP posts:
Windgate · 24/12/2018 21:05

Why is your bar set so low? There is nothing 'DP' about this man. protect your DC.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 21:12

To be fair Lizzie and others. He has never had an issue with me speaking to his mother. The “ I don’t know why your trying to beg a friendship” just came out of the blue when I told him I was thinking of taking DS and myself to see her abroad. He still has a relationship with the mother. His grandmother, I understand.

OP posts:
redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 24/12/2018 21:13

That is very rude of him to talk to you like this, but like a few other posters, I think YABU. He doesn't get on with his family and is estranged from them, and yet you are trying to foster a relationship with them.

I have certain family members that I have cut off some years ago, and my life is better without these toxic fuckers, and if my husband/ partner went and tried to form a relationship with them, I would be livid. It would put our relationship in jeopardy tbh.

I think you need to think about his feelings too.

You are both behaving in a rather selfish manner, and you need to have a serious talk about this. He should not be speaking to you like shit, but you should not be going against his wishes either.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 21:15

Just There’s a difference between that and telling someone “You are SO STUPID, my family don’t like you- that’s how Inlnoe your so DUMB”.

It’s more to do with the way it is said.

OP posts:
InspectorIkmen · 24/12/2018 21:16

You don't seem at all outraged at the disgraceful contemptuous way this person has spoken to you. Why is that?
Nobody would speak to me like that - or if they did it would only be once.
Do you have so little self-worth? Do you want your child to grow up thinking this is ok?
For God's sake - raise your bar and get yourself out of this horrible toxic situation that you seem to accept as normal.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 21:17

Red It was his grandmother who called me and mentioned seeing her with DS. We have had previous contacts with her and even though DP is like “whatever” he presented no outwardly issues about it. This is why I was a bit-OMG at his reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 21:20

Inspector Your right. It’s hard to think like that when others on this board think I am BU- so I guess he is in the right to call me that- but it makes me feel like shit when he speaks to me like that. I would have rather he told me “BS- please, I don’t want neither you or DS to have a relationship with my family, I’m angry you went...” rather than “You are 100% dumb, my family don’t like you, that’s why your so stupid”.

OP posts:
redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 24/12/2018 21:27

Yeah, I agree his wording, and the way he spoke to you was pretty awful.

Cherries101 · 24/12/2018 21:42

You were out of order going over his head like that. If you loved your DP surely you’d want to respect his wishes over his family.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 24/12/2018 21:48

Op your response is really odd which makes me question your motives

No-one has said that it was ok for him to call you that

Nearly everyone has said he should not have spoken to you like that but it's not the same issue as you ignoring his wishes for your own needs

And it is a need...id bet my life you need to be the good family woman that makes the effort and makes peace blah blah blah

It doesn't make him right to speak to you that way but you saying that pur responses say it is ok means you are either not understanding or being a martyr

True partnership is supporting each other's views and wishes provided they don't hurt anyone

You have chosen to out your views first which hurts him

Still doesn't make it ok for him to speak to you like that nothing will ever make that ok

I do question how often he has tried to talk to you about this and you have ignored or dismissed and perhaps he lost it

However he still shouldn't have spoken to you like that

SwimmingKaren · 24/12/2018 21:50

He shouldn’t be speaking to you like that but you seem to be sidling around making plans with his family behind his back and against his wishes. It’s his family, his son too and his decision whether he wants contact with them. Families are complicated and you may not know the full story, I wouldn’t meddle tbh.

Bunbunbunny · 24/12/2018 21:51

Why are you trying to create a relationship with individuals who saw your DH on the streets? Why would you want your ds to have a relationship with them? Just because of shared blood/DNA?

Your DH has made his feelings clear, yes in a spiteful way but you are being unreasonable trying to foster a relationship with them. My MIL made my DH homeless when he was a teenager, I don’t trust her at all,let alone want to speak to her. Your DH sounds like he could do with some therapy, does he struggle to discuss his feelings? He needs to learn to how to communicate with you, might be worth you both going to therapy so you have a safe space to discuss it.

EKGEMS · 24/12/2018 21:54

JustABetterPlayer You are a seriously warped individual to think there's something wrong with OP taking offense to being verbally abused by her partner

HollowTalk · 24/12/2018 21:55

I actually find it hilarious that anyone would be offended or upset by being called a name from their partner or a family member grin Thicker skin may be required, but I suspect this is a mumsnet only issue

It's so interesting that a poster just can't understand why the OP's partner is abusive. I'm always shocked at the low standards in relationships on here but this comment just about takes the biscuit.

JillScarlet · 24/12/2018 22:02

Of course he shouldn’t talk to you like that but I think it is really weird to start arranging to go abroad and visit his Mum, you and Ds, without discussing it with him first. And really quite odd to maintain a relationship with his grandmother who made him homeless.

In his shoes I would feel very undermined by you and think you meddling.

kmc1111 · 24/12/2018 22:15

If my DH had ever contacted family members I was NC with and tried to foster a relationship between them and our children, I’d have hit the roof, left, and never spoken to him again except through lawyers. Dumb and stupid would be the kindest words I’d utter in that situation.

Sparklesocks · 24/12/2018 22:20

JustABetterPlayer if you think it’s hilarious and normal for someone to call their partner stupid and tell them to fuck off then you must have very warped relationships with your loved ones, sorry to hear it.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 22:26

DP was abusive towards his grandmother. A situation occurred, she said this, he said that and I guess it was the final straw and she kicked him out. Though sadly he became homeless as a result of that.

DP has always known that I’ve been in contact with his family :s. I told him I was thinking of going- I didn’t arrange any plans. His grandmother, I understand but I didn’t know he had an issue with his mother too since he has contact with her and he knows we keep in contact too. I just found his reaction a bit odd when I said I was thinking of taking DS to see her abroad as she has never physically met him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 22:37

Why are you trying to create a relationship with individuals who saw your DH on the streets? Why would you want your ds to have a relationship with them? Just because of shared blood/DNA?

I had the same feelings. But DP was horrible- really horrible back then. I can’t imagine what he did to his grandma.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 24/12/2018 22:41

Your posts are quite confusing.
There’s a hell of a difference between, say, grandmother being in loco parentus whilst his mother was abroad and her making him homeless as a young teen, and him as an adult being asked to leave because he was rude to her. The latter wouldn’t be making someone homeless at all.

Frankly I think your priorities are all fucked up.

Either his grandmother is bad news and you should be respecting him and keeping away from her (though he still shouldn’t be rude to you) or your boyfriend is an arsehole and your mental energy should be going into leaving him - not flying abroad to his mum when you have a fear of flying.

All very odd. But no, he shouldn’t ever call you names.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 22:47

Sorry. I don’t think I was clear.

DP lived with his grandmother from late childhood to late teens. When he was a baby and growing up, he lived with his mother abroad but his mum sent him to live with this grandmother, in the UK, when he was around 11 years old.

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 24/12/2018 22:51

How do you know you DH was horrible back then? If it was so bad why did you choose to have a child with him? Did he get help to change? Is he still getting help?

Do you have a good relationship with your own family? How is he with them?

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 22:52

Ok. I understand Ellis. It was wrong for me to keep in contact with his grandma against his wishes.

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 24/12/2018 22:54

Sorry didn't mean to ask so many questions!

I'm Nc with my mother, people who have great relationships with their parents seems to struggle to understand I don't want a relationship with her as I can't trust her & my life is better without her. People who have difficult relationships with theirs gets it more as it's hard to let go.

Original poster
BSmart · 24/12/2018 22:54

Bunbun. He became horrible when I became pregnant. I had no clue regarding his relationship with his grandmother and him. It was only when DS was born that I realised how bad it was. Before then, no clue.

OP posts: