Is DP BU to call me dumb

[BSmart]

Hello,

To start with. DP has a very strained relationship with his grandma, who he hasn’t spoken to for the past 9 years. Due to this, DS, aged 8, hasn’t had a close relationship with this grandma. Though, occasionally both the grandma and I keep in contact.

Moving along, DP’s mum lives abroad, always has been since I’ve known her. I would like to think we are quite close and she regularly Skypes DS. After many years, due to my own fears of flying. I have finally renewed my passport and DS will be getting his shortly. I mentioned to DP that I’m hoping to visit his own mum, alongside with DS, to where she lives abroad and that his grandma, who lives here in the UK, recently got in touch with me to bring DS to here over Christmas.

Cue DP “ Why do you want to do that ?! Stop trying to beg a friendship with my family, they don’t even like you, why are you doing this ?”. I relied “Oh- well, they haven’t given me an impression they like me but if they don’t, that’s fine. I’m only doing it for DS’s sake”.

He replied “You are 100% dumb for real ! My family don’t care about our child, they only want to hear information about me, from you, because I don’t talk to them.... you don’t know them like I do. That’s how STUPID, you are- you don’t think”.

I replied “Ok, if they ask about you, I would just reply- I don’t know but DS really likes them and I was only thinking of his sake”.

He replied “They’re not your family, so just fuck off”.

Would IBU to dumb him over this ? Or is he in the right - but isn’t articulating it well.

How he spoke to you is out of order.

But u need to calm down on extending relationships with members of his family that he isnt comfortable with.

He wasn't right to talk to you that way, it was cruel & it's never right to call someone dumb

That's bit worrying, if he's repeated behaviours, what did he do that was horrible ? Was it way he spoke to you?

He's deplorable.

So he was effectively abandoned by both his mother at age 11 and then his grandmother a few years later and ended up on the streets......and you can't understand why he's reacted so strongly to both these people wanting 'in' with his dc when even still now they don't give two hoots about him??

They're lucky he's kept up any form of relationship with them.
Now, they haven't actually asked him about his dc, they've undermined him by going straight to you, and here's you putting so much effort into making it happen for them.

He's been civil about them so far because his boundary was safe and he was happy keeping grandma at a distance - you bringing these people into your lives and the increased contact tramples all over his boundaries.

If it were me i wouldn't be pushing for a relationship with them and allowing dc to be used as an excuse.
I'd respect his feelings on this.

He shouldn't speak to you like that and I wouldnt stay with someone that abusive.

You shouldn't force a relationship is your OH is estranged and doesnt not wanted.

He's awful and you've been very unfair and not listened. You should leave given his abuse.

You shouldn't force a relationship if your OH is estranged and doesnt want it.

one other thing - your first flight abroad having conquered that fear, the memory and experience of that is one i'd want to share with my partner.
Going to see the women who let him down, who he doesn't want involved in his personal life and the fact that he's so upset about it, would completely ruin the joy of going on my first flight.

Why doesn't how he speaks to you cause more concern OP?

And yeah, maybe dial back a bit on the contact with his family

Overall, it sounds like a shitstorm but his treatment of you is appalling and I don't understand why you're putting up with it

I find it hard getting my head around the fact that the mother sent him away aged 11! How can a mother do this to her son?

Given his history, I can understand him being prickly where his grandma is concerned, but if he jumps to calling you names at every disagreement, then he's a twat.

He was abandoned by his mother and grandmother. No wonder he is upset.

Oh dear, OP, I wonder if your DP has a lot of issues from being sent to live away from his Mum at 11, acting out until his Gm also kicked him out.

I knew someone with a similiar history who sabotaged every relationship. Expecting rejection and believing no one could or would love him unconditionally he took control by making the end of relationships a self fulfilling prophecy.

Would it be worth your DP seeking counselling? Or couples counselling and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel?

You need to apologise for having continued to make a relationship with his family without asking him how deeply he felt about it.

His actions show that he feels betrayed by you and he has lashed out. If that is unusual for him then you will know just how hurt, confused, angry he is.

It doesn't really matter why he feels as he does. He needs you to understand him, not to dismiss him and continue playing happy families with people who hurt him!

Long conversation required... good luck

I guess you'll find out one way or another by how you and DS are treated. He should not be verbally abusive, but quite often one partner will try and facilitate family connections which the other partner resents. It's hard to judge as he has not been forthcoming with his reasons for NC. Please do keep in mind they may want you as a "Flying monkey" so please do not discuss things which he would prefer to remain private.

He doesn't want to maintain a relationship with his grandmother. You should respect that. He probably shouldn't have spoken to you that way but I can see his side. If your guardian kicked you out and left you homeless during your teenage years would you be forgiving towards them?