I was told in a meeting that sharing financial worries with children is abusive - AIBU to think it isn’t?

[badgertwilight]

Obviously, you wouldn’t tell a four year old the ins and outs of your finances but I have always bee honest with my kids if we couldn’t afford something or had to be careful with regard to things like not wasting petrol or to please be careful with things like school bags as I couldn’t afford to replace them.

I don’t think I was abusive to my kids!

What kind of meeting was this?!

I think it’s good for children to know that money isn’t limtless.

I think the odd “you can’t have those new trainers because we can’t afford them” is very different from constant cries of “I’m not sure how we will eat next week”. The latter is probably frightening for a small child.

Well, it was related to child protection - I do think I know what they were getting at, that adult worries shouldn’t be placed on young shoulders, but you can’t shield children from some things, sadly.

If you've left them with the impression that you could be destitute in the new year, then it's not great. But if you've just explained that things are tight then of course it isn't!

I think saying...no you can't have everything you want is healthy as is the basics of budgeting. Oversharing worries isn't.

Having recently been widowed with a teenager I shared a lot of money angst with my Ds .His counselor said to him, if mum is saying we can't afford takeaway this month'.thats ok. If mum is trying to explain how she is worried about meeting bills that's not ok and you should say..that's above my pay grade

I think this sums it up nicely

It depends on the age of the kids, and how it's done/how often. If they are left worried and are small, for example, then yes it's not ok.

I do agree with that. On the other hand, if (say) something really awful like eviction or similar was on the horizon then the children would have to know, wouldn’t they

It depends, some kids really take things to heart - dh wouldnt tell his mum that his shoes were too small as he knew there wasnt the money, dd1 would certainly feel an unhelpful amount of responsibilty.

Sharing worries is difficult, because how much do you expect the child to be able to control? Things will wear out and break, it can easily get twisted into kids thinking their existence is "too expensive" and it can shred their self esteem - not saying that saying be careful with belongings isnt a good thing - just the constant drip of comments can be unwittingly damaging.

But teaching budgeting skills and showing by example by not spending beyond your means are absolutely appropriate.

There is a fine line between explanation that you can’t afford things that they may want and making them worry about your financial issues.

My parents did this to myself and my sibling. My parents leaned heavily on me as the eldest as my mother was an alcoholic who lived on her nerves and wasn’t able to cope with things and my father was a weak man in general, he enabled her.

From about age 10 I was told about their money worries, exposed to regular arguememts about lack of money, told that maybe we wouldn’t be able to eat next week, that we could lose our home, that the bailiffs could knock the door etc. What the hell they expected me to do about it I don’t know, all it did was make us tense, worried children who were too scared to ask for anything, even essentials like clothing or toiletries.

My father had to go to court for non payment of the mortgage and I’ve never been so scared in all my life, my mother just blamed him for not having a decent job and kept crying and breaking down about the fact we’d be on streets. Thankfully it didn’t come to that.

As we grew older it didn’t stop, we just got leaned on more and more with occasional money being borrowed from us once we were working to scrape together mortgage payments. Looking back there was always money for drink and cigarettes though and they never learned - if there was ever any extra money it would be blown, never saved in case the shit hit the fan later at any time.

So yes, tread carefully, it’s messed my brother and I up quite a lot as adults.

As others have said, saying no we can't afford takeaway this week is entirely different to saying, I can't pay the rent and we nay be homeless next month. I'm a primary school teacher and there are children who know waay too much about their parents financial problems. It stresses them out.

I would not put the stress of eviction on their shoulders, no. I think I would personally tell some white lies and protect them from that.

I can remember as a child over hearing my dm discussing a worry about the cost of moving to a new house ( from a 5 bed to a 7 bed huge house!)
We were brought up with parents never discussing finances with children and it really worried me
As a single parent I just used to say to my children ' nope can't afford that right now'
There's no need for further conversation about adult problems

Dh and his family were homeless with 6 in one hostel room for around 4 months which covered christmas, he wasnt told until it was an actual problem and was shielded from the majority of the stuff that was going on.

As far as he was concerned, it really wasnt a problem (he says he was excited moving somewhere new), but there was very little hand wringing going on, dhs parents just dealt with what options they had and the kids followed suit.

Growing up I found my Mother’s financial woes very stressful. I can remember a horrible feeling in the out of my stomach aged about ten, trying to hide school trip letters from her so she wouldn’t worry. Even now I get a sick nervous feeling when looking at my bank balance, even though I haven’t been overdrawn for twenty years!

I think that while children need to know the value of money, they shouldn’t be burdened with adult stresses.

It's stressful. My father was very distant, and I think because of that my mum used my older sister and I as confidantes about her money worries, her family worries, her feelings about dad being distant... It was too much, and left us overburdened and even now I have to fight the urge to overshare with DS1

Depends what it is. Telling your child that they might have to leave the school they are happy at and thriving in because parents are struggling to pay the fees is a very different stress for a child than being told that a present is too expensive.

I discuss finances with my kids. I think it helps prepare them for when they have to deal with this for themselves. An example would be if they wanted tale away for tea I might say yes if finances allowed but if it was getting near the end of the month I might say something like "we have £150 to last us a week, we still have x, y and z to pay for. Takeaway will cost £25 or for £25 we could eat about 3 or 4 home cooked.meals. Do you think we should get takeaway or wait until next week when I have been paid?" Kids need to learn money doesnt grow on trees.

If there are child protection concerns, then regardless of what you think or what anyone on Mumsnet says, it seems that you're getting the balance wrong with your children.

Listen to what the professionals are saying and act on their advice.

As ever it depends how and why. The poster up thread who had threat of bailiffs etc.. That's obviously too much.

But at the same time dc don't get educated about money at school so that does need to happen.

Ironically the two people I know who fear money, are terrified by it, who will go out without wallet, can never relax and enjoy themselves for fear of spending money grew up in a wealthy household.

They seem crippled by it. Its very sad actually. Its a cage around them and how pointless when they really never needed to worry.

Just to point out someone can be sat in a house with millions be entirely solvent, have house paid for outright, and still worry about money because a friend is far richer. It's really a state of mind and doesn't just happen in families who literally have no cash

I agree. I was a worrier as a child and our girls are similar. We weren’t poor but had to be careful with money and I used to worry about it though my parents didn’t discuss with us would hear their conversations.

I forgot to get some money out the other day and muttered something about not having any money and both girls looked worried and dd1 asked “are we poor now mummy?” and they both looked really scared. Think they have watched dramas and documentaries about poverty

I think there is a need to instil financial understanding in children yes, like saying they can’t have x, y, z because you can’t afford it or teaching them to look after what they have and appreciate their possessions.

In the extreme example you give, eviction, obviously they’d need to know.

BUT I’m profoundly uncomfortable with the idea of children worrying about whether the lights will stay on, if there’s food for the next meal, or if they’ll have what they need in the days to come. That isn’t fair.

done because we are too menny

If you've read Jude the Obscure you'd know the risk of oversharing financial problems with little ones.

Spoiler child murders siblings & kills themselves as he believes they are the reason for the families ills... Thomas Hardy is a real chuckle fest.

Basically, let children be children, they didn't cause the problems and can't solve them. Age appropriate information is fine but don't expect them to share the adult burden.

If it was to do with child protection then surely it is part of a greater problem. It's all about the context.